the root of the problem.

Note: Starting off the week before Christmas with a post like this is the last thing I want to do, really. But, I wrote it and need to publish it, because if not now, when? I can promise that the rest of the weeks' posts will all be holiday-based because I'm giddy with Christmas spirit.

I’ve spent the majority of my health issues being bombarded by multiple parties on how I should be better already, how easy it should be, and how the longer this goes on, the more it’s my own fault. My parents were sympathetic at first, but have now joked in a sarcastic and somewhat hopeless fashion that I’m going to live at home forever. My ex constantly checked up on me, told me things I should be doing as if he were my parent, and instilled a certain amount of guilt in me because I was usually unable (or unwilling) to go out.

Basically, I’ve come to believe that I am a sub par member of society and that my value is decreased because of my problems. My relationship would’ve been better if I could go out to dinner or the movies more; my parents wouldn’t be embarrassed to talk about me if I was healthy and had a job. The basis of these statements is accurate - my health is adversely affecting my life - but adding guilt to the list of things I struggle with isn't helping.

The other night, as I was having a down moment and contemplating all of the problems in my life, it became painfully obvious that I have major anxiety issues. I don’t even hesitate putting a name to it – my entire life, I’ve worried too much about things. I've woken up with anxious stomachaches on any day that included something out of the ordinary. I have issues with eating in front of people, even in my own home, and feel flustered before going almost anywhere. Being away from home for extended periods of time – unless it’s someplace that feels like home – makes me tired and ill.

If that sounds like a lot to deal with, it is. But, to be honest, until recently I had learned how to cope with it. I took medicine preemptively to calm my stomach. I laughed off my eating habits, getting through barely half of my meal in public places and eating normally once I returned home. I turned down invitations to go on trips or stay over people’s houses because I worried about feeling too sick or becoming an inconvenience.

For most of my life, I have found ways to temporarily solve the problems and live normally. With the onset of my health issues, however, I have lost those skills. What I have feared most – feeling sick, calling attention to myself, needing to find bathrooms quickly – has come true. They’re not irrational fears if they actually happen.

So what happens now? I make my way through Christmas, New Year's, and my birthday, using my well-practiced tactics. And then I look for a therapist. Honestly, I can’t do it anymore. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I have to admit to myself that I’m not superwoman, no matter how hard I want to be, and I can’t keep using quick fixes and putting a smile on my face. I can't keep popping pills and eating poorly just to go out, only to suffer for days after. It's a disservice to my friends to show up somewhere and be too concerned about how I feel to fully enjoy myself. Some lovely girls have inspired me and made me realize that it’s okay to ask for help when you need it. I know I have an extremely supportive group of friends who will see me through this and a family who, at the very least, won't judge me for this.

I just hope I’m brave enough to go through with it when the time comes.

jury duty, updated!

A few weeks ago, I got a piece of mail that sent me into a panic.

Jury duty. Tomorrow.

Under normal circumstances, I would have no problem serving my civic duty. It would probably be cool to actually get picked and sit on a jury. I know it's really not that exciting, but it would be an interesting experience.

However. I'm not dealing with "normal" circumstances. My anxiety is at an all-time high and my stomach is in no condition for me to be sitting around all day in a stressful situation. I know being called for jury duty and even serving is no reason to panic or freak out, but I'm not your typical every day girl, and the most random shit stresses me out.

I've been dreading it for weeks now, half-heartedly trying to go on a stomach-friendly diet the past few days, and crossing my fingers that I'll call the night before and won't even have to go in (which is the process in NJ, not sure if it's the same in other states). The fact that I have to report at 8am makes everything worse because that's my stomach's least favorite time of day to act normal. I'm up at the early (for me) hour of 7am today so that, hopefully, I fall asleep early and can wake up absurdly early so that I have time to feel better before heading out.

My mom has assured me it really won't be as bad as I'm imagining it, that once I get there I'm going to settle in and realize it's just a big time suck. My hope is that (if I call and I do have to go in) I won't even get picked from the masses so I can go home and not have to worry about explaining myself to anyone.

Because I don't even want to think about that.

Anyone want to share their non-exciting jury duty experiences to make me feel better?

UPDATE: So, turns out all that panicking was for nothing. I checked the website and my number is way past the cutoff, which means I don't even have to go in tomorrow! I am so relieved it's not even funny.

and now, a really long rant about life.

[Long, rant-y vent ahead. You've been warned.]

I don't like change*. Like, really. I'd go as far as saying I despise it.

I know most people aren't fans of change. Nobody likes things to be different, for chapters of their lives to close and be done with forever. New things are exciting, fun in their own way, and will eventually seem normal. I get it. But the part right before things settle in, when you're staring at the gap between you and what's next and you're not sure you can make it if you jump? That's where I am. And I'm afraid.

Graduating college has ended a part of my life I didn't realize would end. To be honest, I spent most of my time not acting my age - I was acting younger. I spent my high school years avoiding the typical teenager behavior because I was hanging out with people younger than me, specifically my four-years-younger cousin. Going through college was a similar experience. The group of friends I acquired spent more Friday and Saturday nights not at frat parties getting drunk, but watching movies and talking until 5am.

Up until now, I didn't see any problem with this. I enjoyed my high school and college experiences, even if they weren't what you'd call "typical." But looking back now, as I try to understand my dissatisfaction with my current life, I feel like I somehow missed out. In those moments, I didn't have any urge to go out and party. I had no scandalous prom weekend, where I snuck away from the careful eyes of my parents and drank myself silly. Not once did I drink before I was 21, nor did I even attend a party before last summer. And at the time, I didn't care.

Somehow, that's changed, and now I really, really do care. I feel like I'm behind, like I want to do things after the opportunities have passed. A big part of it is probably that I spent so much time with my younger cousin. She just had her prom and prom weekend, and for some reason I'm finding myself incredibly jealous. My prom was nothing like hers, and there was no trip down the shore afterwords for me. She's heading off to college next fall, and to be honest, that's right where I wish I could be in my life.

It's so frustrating to feel this way, to feel like I did high school and college completely wrong. I know I had fun while I did it, I really do. But sitting here, right now, I feel like I had no fun at all.

Change has totally knocked me off my feet, and I hate it. Not only have I graduated college with a less-than-stellar GPA in a less-than-stellar economy, but I missed my chance to secure a job through the school. They make it so easy for my major, but since I was going through a crisis about what I wanted to do, my grades slipped and I'm stuck without a job.

What does a girl need when moving from one phase of life to another? Girlfriends! Guess where mine are? Nowhere to be found. Everyone is so busy with their lives, and I seem to be the only one bumming around my house and doing nothing. My younger cousin, my so-called "best friend," has changed into someone I don't even know anymore, and it's hurting my heart. Sure, we exchange heartfelt gifts and words, but it's been a good year or more since we last sat down and actually talked. My college friends are scattered throughout, all busy with their jobs or continued schooling. I've barely spoken to my two best friends in the past few months since they both graduated early.

On top of all that, I can't keep my sleeping and eating habits under control, so my stomach problems rage on with no relief in sight. This makes me reluctant to spend time with anyone or do anything because I end up becoming a nervous wreck and making my stomach worse. So I confine myself to my house, opening myself up only to company of The Boy because he understands my situation the best. And what good does that do me? I'm almost positive that a handful of my friends (if not all of them) think I'm isolating myself and choosing to spend time only with him. My lack of communication with almost everyone is unsettling to me, and most of the time I feel like I've been abandoned.

It's just really difficult feeling so unstable, especially when I feel like I have no support. It's a terrible, terrible experience to feel not only unsure of yourself, but also of your friendships. All I want is things to go back to the way they were in junior year, when I was happy and healthy and enjoying my life.

But I can't. And it sucks. Because I have no idea when anything's going to get any better.

*I'm not talkin' Obama-type change. That change is good times. Obama change, FTW!

election day!

VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!

It's finally here! It's election day! And I am ridiculously excited!

Seriously, it's pretty monumental. I have a right to be excited. Don't judge me! I'm on very little sleep due to it being Day 2 of my Hell Week.

I mailed in my absentee ballot last week, so no fun-and-exciting experience for me. I know, I know.. it's exciting to just participate. But I'm missing out on the waiting in lines! And going in the booth! And.. and.. pushing buttons! Or whatever it is, exactly, that you do in the booth.

Anyway. Even with the insane amount of work I have to do today, I'll be spending most of my evening glued to the TV, watching the results pour in. I really want to find some people to watch with, but my friends are all going home to vote, and The Boy and I voted for separate candidates. Yes, that shouldn't make a difference, but when the election is brought up, we tend to discuss it way more than I would like. So I feel that watching together just isn't the idea of a fun date. Unless I can find someone to watch with, I'll probably end up chatting with people I don't know on some random forum. Yay, dorkiness!

Considering I have a quiz in my ten o'clock class, I should probably get as much sleep as I can.. which is only three hours at this point. Hell Week is AWESOME! Thank God for coffee.

trying not to go crazy.

Oh. Right. I have a blog.

School is kicking my ass. I'm really trying to put up a good fight but it's tough stuff. I've got so many projects, tests and assignments coming up that it's taking all of my willpower not to freak the hell out. On top of that, I have to meet with my adviser about my GPA (again), ask permission to take a fifth course at the same meeting (I'm already doing miserably.. can you let me take MORE COURSES?!), schedule my final semester (!!!), and maintain correspondence with the outside world.

Needless to say, my life is a mess right now. This weekend is the first in a series where I will probably be locked in my room forcing myself to study. I had fall break this past weekend, which meant also getting Monday and Tuesday off. Did I do any work? Nope. Nada. Zip. ZILCH.

It's triggering arguments with The Boy, too. Why? Well, mainly because he'll point out that Grey's Anatomy should not be a higher priority than studying. Should it be? Of course not. But it's only an hour, and that's an hour I can make up over the weekend. Regardless, he seems not to realize (and this is as much my fault as his) that spending time with him takes up a lot more time than taking an hour out of my day to watch TV. For example, instead of staying home an extra night this past weekend to extend my fall break (which would have given me Tuesday night to get some studying done), I chose to come back because he really wanted me to. Don't get me wrong - I wanted to come back, too. But I'm a weak person who's bad at saying no and/or setting myself straight on my priorities, so even though I knew I could be productive at home Tuesday night, I said screw it and went back to school. Needless to say, I still have barely cracked open a book. So for him to be criticizing how I utilize my time when any time spent with him is only minimally productive? Kind of annoying.

This semester is really challenging me and so far, it's winning. But I'm not done yet. I'm putting up the best fight I can, so we'll see if it all works out in December.

there's no place like home.

Hi blogosphere. I skipped class today. Le sigh.

I absolutely could not fall asleep last night. The last time I remember seeing on the clock was 6:30am. I don't remember waking up very vividly - I had set alarms for 9, 9:15 and 9:30am, and don't really recall any of them going off. What I do remember is having the phone in my hand while I was in bed, looking at it in a confused manner when it rang (it was my friend who has class with me), and realizing that it was too late for me to get up and put in the effort of rushing to class.

So I skipped. And felt awful. Skipping class is a very bad habit that I had, for the most part, conquered this semester. I felt ridiculously guilty considering I wasn't deathly ill and there was no emergency. My sleep schedule had just gotten so out of control that I was going to get through the day on two hours of sleep. However, I justified it by saying that I would be on only two hours. Not five or six, or even four. Two. So I excused myself a little bit, considering my health ranks higher on my priority list than my schoolwork.

I ended up sleeping through my second class of the day, although that really has no consequence because attendance isn't really necessary. Still, I woke up in a really terrible mood. Within the first five minutes of being awake, I called my mom and told her I was gonna come home. I made up some excuses - about having things to do at home, wanting to visit but not wanting to waste a whole weekend - but really? I was really craving the comfort and calmness of home.

My schedule is getting to me. I wake up after five hours of sleep, go to class, eat lunch, nap until the next class, go to that class, eat dinner, bum around, then go to The Boy's room for homework. We always get distracted when we're together, so homework takes forever. I get done around two, but don't get in bed until three by the time I go back to my room, shower, check e-mail, etc. I haven't seen Natalie in more than a week. I haven't watched any of my TV shows except for Grey's. I've gotten in to a rut. Not that I don't enjoy seeing The Boy every day, because I really do - but I'm doing the same exact thing day in and day out, and I'm getting a little tired of it.

Fall break can't get here fast enough. I need a chance to take a huge breather, get caught up on sleep and work, and start fresh the next week. That's kinda what I'm trying to do here.. kind of a subconscious reason for coming home. Let's hope it works and lasts for the next week and a half.

already?!

It really can't be a good thing that on the second day of my Kicking Ass and Taking Names senior year, I'm freaking out. Could this possibly attributed to lack of sleep? Yes. I slept over* The Boy's room last night and PS, extra-long twin dorm beds do not comfortably fit two people. Especially those of us with ridiculously long legs.

Anyway. The Big Elephant-in-the-Room Issue between he and I is rearing it's head and it has the potential of knocking me off my path to success. I'm sitting here, my classwork to-do list staring me in the face, and all I want to do is curl up and sleep forever, because all I can think about is The Issue. Grahhhh.

I'm trying to let it go, to take some deep breaths and not let the lack-of-sleep-induced stress take over. Maybe a tiny power nap is in order.

_______
* Don't get any ideas, readers. Sleeping over means sleeping. Or at least attempting to sleep. Just wanted to clarify because neither I nor The Boy want anybody to misunderstand or get the wrong idea.

a little stressed

Greetings from the land of The Week Before Move-In Day!

I've been squeezing every bit of fun I can out of the few days left until I move in to school. On Tuesday I hung out with the Former Roomies and we did what we do best: on-the-fly-back-to-school-clearance shopping! Yay! I came home with two new tank tops, a plain black tee, and a cute skirt I found at Old Navy. We ate at Panera in between (delish!) and spent a while there chatting about... our futures. Dun dun dunnnnnn.

I am extremely unprepared for The Real World, as I have mentioned several times. Where am I going to live? And with whom? Or maybe I should live alone? Will I get a job? Where will I work? How long are my parents willing to let me live here post-graduation? Am I going to be living in a cardboard box?

This year is going to be tough because I've got to suck it up and actually work really hard. I'm warning you now, this blog may turn into a place where I'm going to rantrantrant about schoolwork and be a baby about it. Feel free to, you know, completely ignore those entries when they pop up.

*

In other news, I've been putting off going to the dentist for some time now. I had an appointment to have my pearly whites cleaned up back in July, and was told I have a billion problems some issues to deal with: four cavities (one of which requires a crown), my wisdom teeth need to come out, and I have receding gums that need surgery. BLECH. I can handle the cavities, even though it's been over a month and I haven't called to schedule my next appointments. But the wisdom teeth? Oral surgery for my gums?! I just about crapped my pants in the office when he told me all that. I know that wisdom teeth are.. not impossibly scary/painful, but I'm thinking I would feel much better if they weren't impounded and were instead already grown in. However. My mother had the gum surgery and CAIT DOES NOT WANT. No thanks, I'll pass. Too bad my gums are so bad in places that the roots of my teeth are exposed. Great.

So those are the two things on my mind when I have the time to think. Luckily I spent a wonderful day at the beach on Thursday and have dinner with my old high school gang tonight, so I have opportunities to take those things off my mind for a while.

worrywart

To start, I'd like to thank everyone for the input I've gotten so far about how to get my hair cut. I think I might actually step a little further out of my comfort zone (the first baby step having been getting it cut short last year) and go with layers. Stay tuned!

*

Can somebody tell me when my sleep schedule went completely down the crapper all over again? A month ago, I had everything under control - actually getting sleepy by one in the morning and waking up before noon every day. Now? I'm nocturnal again. Seriously. It's 9am. I haven't slept yet.

Now I'm getting worried because I've got just over two weeks left until school. Considering this is the year that I'm hoping to eventually dub The Year I Kicked Major Academic Ass, I really need to get back to sleeping like a normal human being.

Of course, on top of having trouble falling asleep, my brain decided it was time to list all of the challenging, complicated aspects of the upcoming year. I just love. it. when that happens. It puts me in my "oh shit!" mode. Here's why: I'm considering getting a job this semester, because I need the money. So first I start wondering if I should work on campus or off, then move to worrying about obtaining either kind of job. Then I realize, hey genius, what happened to studying HARD this semester? Oh. Right. It's probably not smart to expect myself to be able juggle a job with my new-found work ethic (especially since, well, it hasn't actually been "found" yet). AND THEN. I remember that I need to check up on the resume I uploaded to the school-run job search engine, which is being reviewed by someone in the office. The issue there? My GPA isn't listed because it's completely embarrassing and would probably be laughed at by corporate recruiters. Of course, the person sitting in the office doesn't know that - she'll just casually note, "please list GPA." If it were only that easy...

I really just wanted to go to sleep. Is that so much to ask?

*

To put me in a better mood, let me mention that tonight I'm going to my Very First Concert. Yes, first. Yes, I'm twenty-one. Moving on. I'm going to see Counting Crows (who are good, but not who I really care about), Maroon 5 (hellooooo, Adam Levine.. yum), and Sara Bareilles!! I'm majorly excited about her and Maroon 5 - both of their latest albums are just amazing. What's more exciting is that I get to see a whole mess of people who are also going, including one of my roommates, one of my accounting major friends, and the whole "lifer" gang from dance. It's going to be a blast, even though it's supposed to rain. We've all got lawn seats so we're pretty screwed, but I'm sure it will be fun anyhow.

the life of a dancer

Ah, recital times. It's an interesting week of preparation that happens just before our dance recital every year.

Daily practices are assumed, although often times and locations are unannounced until hours before. Practice itself is an organized chaos - this year our studio is our dance teacher's house - with three different dances being performed at once. Dancers are running from room to room, completing one dance and scurrying off to jump into the next one.

Spots, formations, and transitions are clarified; choreography is broken down count by count. This is the time to get every question in the open, to fix every muddled movement. Costumes are discussed and argued about, until we agree on the same old black-and-other-color scheme.

Late hours are kept, tempers flare, attitudes worsen. Arguments ensue, usually about the stupidest things. Stress runs high as music lists are compiled. Programs are written, which is a daunting task as you consider how to make sure nobody has too many quick costume changes.

Your diet goes to hell. Sipping a bottle of water turns into chugging down one or more thirty-two-ounce bottles of Gatorade. The schedule leaves time only for fast food. Then you sweat out the liquids, burn off the greasy calories, rinse and repeat. For a whole week.

All for those few performances, each of which will last but a few moments. But it's worth it, and that's all that matters.

[Note: I decided on the orange dress, by the way.]

just four more days...

Here I am, visiting you from the desolate world of Studying for Finals. Ugh. Ick. Gross. And many other outbursts of disgust.

I think I'm going to have nightmares about Post-It flags, present value formulas, p-values, and strangely enough, Mahjong Safari, which is one of the only things keeping me sane right now.

As most [read:all] people, I don't like finals. My break from studying for one final? Studying for another one. I have my Super Huge Accounting Final on Wednesday, so that's basically all I've been studying for these past four days. However. I also have a Capital Budgeting final tomorrow. To convey the lack of importance I'm placing on this particular final, here's a thought that crossed my mind: I wonder how long it'll take me, so I can get back to studying for accounting. Right. I also have two more exams, one on Thursday and one Friday. Needless to say, I haven't even touched those books yet. In fact, I barely remembered what my fourth final even was.

My accounting tests are absolutely dreadful. Just when you think you have a grasp of the concepts and the calculations that need to happen.. WHAM. There's a completely messed up problem with tricks and turns. It's always one of two things. The first is that one tiny sentence in the description of the problem that you've never seen in any of the thousands of examples done in class. The other is that wonderful moment when you're halfway through the problem, and you look back up at the information to find a number that is usually given only to find IT'S NOT THERE. Yes, I understand the logic behind this - if you really know what you're doing, you should be able to know where all the numbers came from and how to find the missing ones. Too bad that, say, 90% of the class has NO IDEA what they're doing. It's just a little frustrating to go into a test, think you've prepared well by doing all the problems twice over, then finding out the professor wanted to "challenge" you. Especially when you're me and you basically have to ace the final to get a decent grade out of the class.

**

At my school, we have a system of "points" as part of our dining plan. Essentially, these points are just dollars. And I happen to have 450 of them waiting to be spent in the next four days. It happens to a lot of people here, which is why our on-campus convenience store inflates prices to ridiculous things like $40 for a twenty-four pack of water. Plus, the store gets flooded with all these students who feel bad about having leftover points and are therefore spending them on anything possible. Here are my purchases for today:

• Two Sesame Chicken Lean Cuisines
• Two bags of Flat Earth veggie chips
• Four bags of Pepperidge Farm cookies
• A bag of Tostitos (the lime ones, of course)
  
• Gummy bears
• Gummy Savers
• French Vanilla Pirouette Cookies from Pepperidge Farm
• Vanilla Dibs
• Some fancy Pepperedge Farm cheese cracker stick things

Yeah. I've already eaten the gummy bears, sampled the cracker sticks and some of the cookies, and inhaled half a bag of the veggie chips. Sadly, when I went on my second trip (yes, that's right - I was there twice today), they didn't have the case of the drink I really like. Hopefully they'll have it tomorrow, because I'm sure it'll be some insane price and will hopefully bring my total down a bit.

If only they sold shoes here on campus for points. Do you know how easily I could spend $450 on shoes?

i hate mondays

Today was a sucky day.

First, I started the day with a grand total of three hours of sleep. Yes, three. After spending five hours on an Excel problem that I thought would take about an hour.

I got a response to an e-mail I sent to my Accounting Information Systems professor, which borderline-angrily accused her of giving out points for an assignment based on attendance. Of course, I sent that e-mail at around 4am, after the guys told me what I'd missed on Thursday, and before actually thinking about what they really meant. So basically, the response was uber confrontational and slightly bitchy, and it made me upset. Mainly because I dislike confrontation, but also because I felt bad about the wording of the e-mail in the first place.

My e-mail seemed to hate me today, because I also got one from the recruiter I e-mailed about a summer internship, asking for my GPA. Great. Better just cross that one off the list. It was just a big slap in the face about how hard it's going to be to get an internship with the terrible grades I have.

Additionally, I went way over budget for Lion's Fest stuff, and I failed to keep everything on separate receipts. Meaning, I'm only getting about $50 in cash for my supplies, and I spent close to $100. In both cases, I bought other things for my own personal use, so I can't submit those receipts. Good job, self.

But, at the end of the day, I went out and bought new black sneakers (which I'd been wanting for a while now), a pair of cute brown sandals, and a yoga DVD. Yay, shopping.

going crazy

At least once every semester, I hit a point where I feel like everything is overwhelming me and that there's no getting through it all. It's usually right around this time, when there are about three weeks left until finals, because I'm realizing two things: I've put off end-of-the-semester projects for too long; and, I really, really need to do well on my finals.

What sucks about this feeling is that, instead of motivating me to actually, I don't know, get started on all my work.. I just feel like laying in bed. All day.

And of course it hits me today. I planned on being productive today, considering I was at Relay for Life from 6pm Friday until 6am Saturday, then sleeping for a bit before showing Lynds and her family around campus and going out to eat. I was in a daze after they left, because it felt earlier than it was and I was still pretty exhausted. I crashed at around 11pm, which was a lot later than I expected. Then for a million unexplainable reasons, I woke up today at 7am and I cannot fall back asleep for the life of me. Needless to say, it's frustrating.

All I wanted was to fall back asleep for a few more hours. I have been getting comments from many people about how tired I look all the time, and considering I only got about six hours of sleep after Relay, I wanted to get more than just eight today. On top of that, I can't shake this feeling of impending failure. That's part of the reason I think I couldn't get back to sleep - I kept thinking about how much work I'd have when I woke up.

One of the major reasons for my freak-out is this project I have due at the end of the semester. I have yet to do anything for it, except draft a couple of ideas for a topic. The problem is that the explanation of the project in the syllabus is very, very vague, and I'm not a fan of vague. The second reason is my financial accounting course. I have, once again, done very poorly on the tests, leaving me no choice but to study intensely for the final. So basically there's a war in my brain - part of me thinks Oh God, I need to get started on all of this RIGHT NOW and get a lot done today, but the other part says CALM DOWN. There's plenty of time. Go try to sleep. And it goes back and forth, back and forth.

When I get like this, it really feels like I'm going crazy. I can't relax enough to fall sleep, I can't lay around without feeling incredibly guilty, and still, I can't work up the energy to actually do any work. It makes me want to scream.

I'm going to try to sleep again before it gets too late for me to do so.

Change of pace...?

You're all going to be very proud of me, because I went shopping today without buying things I didn't need. Hooray! What I did pick up:

• a pair of plain jeans (because on several occasions, I've gravitated towards the ones with pretty sequined designs on them, and it's best I have a few more plain pairs)
• a bathing suit bottom (long story short, I bought a size too small last season, but the top still fits; luckily I was able to find a pair that matches perfectly)

Ta da! I am a reformed shopper. Hopefully this will keep up, because I'm becoming painfully aware of how close I am to entering The Real World (no, not the MTV show, unfortunately), and how much money I do not have.

That was one of the reasons I couldn't fall asleep last night - my brain decided it was time to run through the list of things I try to keep quiet for the majority of my waking hours. This list includes how I haven't put much effort towards getting an internship for this summer, how I screwed myself by having a low GPA, how I'm going to have to move out of this house as soon as I graduate college, how I definitely do NOT have the funds to support myself, and of course, how I'm going to be a lonely cat lady for the rest of my life. Yeah, my brain just likes to tack that to the end of the list, just for fun. For shits and giggles. Except I'm not laughing.

*

Break has been relatively relaxing so far. I got home Friday and celebrated by purchasing some lightweight-esque alcoholic beverages: Watermelon-flavored Smirnoff Ice. Of course, I had to convince both my brother and my mom that it was NOT pure vodka, as they previously thought. My first argument was that they wouldn't put pure vodka into beer-like bottles for easy consumption. My second, more convincing argument was the tiny print on the label that said "malt beverage/5% alcohol." Like I said, I'm a lightweight. As long as it has a low alcohol content, tastes good, and makes me look cool because I'm over the drinking age and actually taking advantage of that fact... then I'll drink it.

*

Tomorrow's Monday, and I kinda, sorta told myself that once the actual weekdays started, I would start homework. Great. I don't really have a ton of work due at the end of break, but I would like to catch up on my reading and homework assignments. It would be wonderful to go back next week and not have that constant, quiet nagging in my brain about how I should be catching up and keeping up with work.

Also tomorrow - dance class. Which I may or may not be ready for. See, after what went down with this competition and the preparations for it, I was sick of everything and everyone. I'm even sick of the music, which never happens. One time, after attending one of Katrina's dance recitals, I told her how awesome this one routine was. She told me she liked it too, but was so sick of the song (which happened to be Beyonce's 'Crazy in Love,' a song I still really like). I didn't understand that sentiment until after this competition. Now, whenever Michael Buble's 'Feelin' Good' or even Janet's 'Feedback' (*tear*) comes on my iPod, I want to throw it against the wall. Not cool. Hopefully I'll be able to reconcile my feelings with those songs in time. I've had a week away from all the drama, so I'm thinking that should be plenty of time. Just remind me never to get involved with this nonsense again. Remind me that I'm retired, as of March 2nd, 2008. Thanks.

*

I suppose I should go fetch my laundry from the dryer, where it's been sitting for three hours now. Right.

Getting over it

I almost don't know what to do with myself now that competition is over. Saturday was actually pretty calm, especially compared to Friday, which included the biggest argument I've ever witnessed in the history of my dance school. It was.. scary and upsetting. I don't really feel like recounting the entire thing because, well, I want to pretend it never really happened.

Competition flew by, as it always does. As usual, I ate nothing all day until after my performances, because my nervous stomach would've rejected anything I tried to eat. Our duet came first, and we both came off stage thinking it wasn't so great. Then we got ready for our group hip hop, which felt like it went amazingly. At the end of it all, though, they both scored the same. Of course Chris's two solos - which for the most part were made up on the spot - both got High Gold. Ashley's solo got Gold. The other two were High Silver.

Going into this, I thought we'd do really, really well. I thought the hip hop would at least get Gold. Needless to say, I'm pretty disappointed, and I think this was just the final moment to realize that it's time to retire, at least from the competition circuit. I always have a false sense of confidence going into competition, because I forget the technique levels of all the other schools.

I keep trying to hold onto this dance thing, and watching it start to slip away is a little disappointing. What's strange is that all the dancing I do that's not for competition is what I do best. Whether it be me just blowing off stress here in my dorm, or the routines I learn at dance conventions or in hip hop class that are just for fun, I seem to nail all the movements. But when it comes down to the routines that I'm actually responsible for, that are going on the competition stage, seem to fall a little flat on my part. I don't know if it's stress or what, but my performances on Saturday were not my best. And it's upsetting.

*

You know, the worst part of being a girl is not the once-a-month cramps, but the once-a-month bout of emo-ness. It's really frustrating. I can feel it coming on, and basically what happens to me is that I feel like crying. So, of course, I think of things that will make me cry. And we all know what's still on the top of that list. If you don't know.. then you need to talk to me and find out.

For the most part, I'm past it. Percentage-wise, I'm 95% over it. But there's still that lingering 5% that imagines "what if" and wonders if any of those "what ifs" will come true. I think I hang on to that 5% because I don't foresee any other opportunities arising in the near future, so I keep that little bit of hope. At the same time though, that hope is like a double-edged sword. While it's great to think positively, it's basically a constant disappointment. That's why I'm trying to reduce that percentage until it's down to two or one, because obviously I can't hold out hope forever. I give myself a lot of credit, because I can tell you that I was holding on to a lot more in the initial aftermath. To tell you now that there's only that little 5% left is an accomplishment on my part. That's how I know that I'll be able to reduce that even more.

Another reason I keep holding on is because I never actually got an explanation. I hate that, in general. I have a couple of unanswered questions that I would prefer to have answered, which is constantly irking me. I gave up my opportunity to ask these questions. In all honesty, I could probably still ask them, but I dislike confrontation and awkward conversations, both of which would be the result of asking the questions. So I'm stuck, unless the information is offered up voluntarily. And let's just say, I sincerely doubt that will ever happen.

Here I go again...

Not much has changed since the last entry, except that I'm even more fed up than before.

This competition is just draining me off everything I have. I'm sick, I have three tests this week, and still I have all this nonsense to be worrying about. I'm angry about how unorganized we've been, how unprepared we still are, and the addition of the fourth kid to this group.

We weren't always a group of four, and we probably should've never been more than three. This fourth kid doesn't show up to any extra practices and is apparently behind on learning the choreography. Of course, then he has the nerve to talk crap about me (when we've never even met) because he doesn't understand how I could be any good since I don't show up to class on Mondays. I'm not even going to get into how completely irrelevant that is, or else I could go on for days.

So why did he end up in our group? That is the main issue behind all of my stress and anger. If he wasn't in the group, then things would be SO much easier. The original three of us have practiced together many times and actually work really well together. I just don't understand why this fourth kid needed to be included. It's ridiculous! But of course, nothing can really be done at this point. Basically, though, all my other aggravations stem from this issue. Why do I have to haul ass back and forth for practice in the middle of the week? Because this kid can't practice on the weekend. Of course, it doesn't help much when he doesn't even show up for the middle-of-the-week practice, either.

Then there's the nitty-gritty of competition stuff - costumes, positions, and accuracy of the choreography. Besides the shirt Ashley just found today, we really have no definite answer for costumes. We just figured out spots and transitions, but have yet to work as a complete group to make sure nobody runs into each other. And as for the choreography... I'm just praying that this fourth kid has finally learned the rest of it and has been working on it. I'm praying for a miracle, that we'll all get together to finally practice, and the whole thing will run more-or-less seamlessly. Right now, I don't have much hope.

I'm completely sick of the way this has gone down. I'm done with the disorganization, lack of communication, and lack of even giving a shit. I've spent too many hours of "practice time" sitting on the floor watching Chris run through his solo for the five hundredth time, or all of us just sitting around doing nothing. My parents are on my back for good reason, because I'm out at practice until 2am, and as of late, with a horrible cold on top of that. It's just ridiculous. Everyone just assumes that I'm available at any given time, and that driving back home isn't a huge deal or that it takes time out of my schedule. They think it's okay for me to stay out until 2am when I'm completely drained and sick, with three tests in the next week to study for.

It's done on Saturday. I'm sure we'll have a really fun time once we actually get to the competition. As I've discussed with Ashley, if we don't get a high score because the guys don't take this seriously, then I'm going to be really pissed off. And I'll probably cry. This routine is one of the best ones I've been involved with so far, and we've worked so hard on it. The last thing I need is for this to be ruined by stupid shit.

Ugh.

~

I'm sick, again. Last week I was definitely getting better, until I woke up on Friday. Luckily we had a snow day, because my throat was killing me and I was completely congested all over again. I spent all of Friday in bed, hoping to regain my energy for the weekend.

Saturday was Julianne's Sweet 16!! It was so fun, and Julianne looked so pretty. I spent most of the night chatting and catching up with Dawn. We talked about a lot of... interesting things, and it's really funny to know that she feels the same way I do about stuff. Then I was supposed to have competition practice, but that never happened (of course).

Today I drove back here and studied. Well, sort of. I procrastinated a lot. But I've been studying in between that! My habits will never die, I suppose. I was all set to start studying on Friday, but napping, watching TV, and talking to Natalie trumped studying in terms of importance, heh.

Saturday can't come fast enough.

At what price

What am I doing with my life? Sometimes I truly wonder.

As much as I hate to admit it, I'm really getting sick of driving to and from school for these stupid dance rehearsals. This Tuesday, I made a special trip home so that the four people in my group could finally practice all together. (Yes, that's right. There are eight days until competition, and we have yet to run through the routine as a complete group. ) Anyway, I arrive only to find out THE FOURTH KID ISN'T COMING. What. The. !@#$%^&. Seriously. Additionally, I just got a phone call that our plans for costumes fell through because we couldn't get a discount on the $70 hoodies that we wanted. Wonderful.

I don't like when dance turns out to be more stress than it's worth. I'm not going to competition "for fun" - I want to win. I didn't pay the expensive entry fee to get there and have this be a big joke. No. Practices are turning into arguments and, unfortunately, a waste of my time. On Tuesday, for our big "practice," we spent an hour dancing at our makeshift studio, then went to a diner before finally ending up at my studio director's house. There, though, we sat around for a half hour watching videos from dance class. Meanwhile, my mind is running a mile a minute in different directions - how I have three tests for next week, how mad my mother was going to be that I was out late, when I was going to get back to school, what costumes we're going to wear, and not to mention remembering all that choreography. Luckily, that last one has never been a problem for me.

March 1st can't come soon enough. I wish that my friends could at least stop by and watch, but it's so far away that I feel bad even asking.

~

The house is eerily quiet right now, and it's a little bit strange. Usually we're bustling about, distracting each other and making a lot of noise. I don't like it so much when it gets quiet, probably because then I'm actually forced to do my work.

I'd like to make mention of the fact that I'm doing pretty decently with my resolution to do better in school. I haven't had a lot of turn-in assignments yet, so I don't have actual grades... but I find that reading the material ahead of time really does wonders. The full effects of my work will be seen in this upcoming week, wherein I have three tests. It shouldn't be too bad, but I'm still worried.

Speaking of resolutions, my sleeping schedule is getting... a little better? My eating habits have definitely improved, as have my exercising efforts. But the sleeping thing is just taking a little longer. However. I am quite exhausted, so I'm off to bed.