February Goals

For the past few months (okay, more like an entire year), I have shied away from setting goals. Around this time last year, Erik and I had just started looking for apartments, which quickly turned into picking one and moving in. The rest of the year was also spent settling in while also dealing with a fairly busy schedule. It wasn't in the cards to set up any kind of goals other than remember to go grocery shopping before you have no healthy food in the apartment or don't wait to clean the bathroom until you can't remember the LAST time you cleaned the bathroom. Yeah, there might've been a huge adjustment period here.

That being said, I think I'm finally okay to set some (tiny) goals for the month of February. I have yet to complete my Holiday Council work - I am on the last week, which is goal-setting and action steps, aka my nemeses - but I didn't want that to prevent me from attempting to get my life in order. I have two overarching goals this month: start making doctor's appointments and get my finances in check.

Doctor's Appointments

I am notorious for avoiding doctor's offices because it fills me with anxiety. The last time I was at a non-routine doctor's appointment, I was as nervous as if I was speaking in front of a crowd as I sat in the waiting room. My heart was pounding, I was rehearsing everything (symptoms, health history, etc.) in my head, and I wanted to melt into the floor.

Even routine visits give me just enough anxiety that I keep putting it off until, whoops!, several months/years have gone by. The only doctor I've seen regularly is my gynecologist and, only recently, my dentist. I am way, way past due to see a primary care doctor - in fact, the last doctor I saw other than urgent care was my pediatrician. When I was 18. SO LIKE TEN YEARS AGO. Embarrassing.

My checklist is as follows:

• Find a primary care physician that takes my insurance and schedule a physical
• Go in for my semi-annual teeth cleaning
• Go to the eye doctor
• Find a new gynecologist

I also eventually want to see a dermatologist and a gastroenterologist, but I'm trying not to overload myself (or my wallet, because having shitty insurance and paying a lot out-of-pocket is going to suuuuuck).

Finances

I am generally good about saving money and not spending too much. However, moving into a new apartment - my first real living space that wasn't my bedroom or my dorm, which is essentially another bedroom - got me into the bad habit of just dropping money on whatever "thing" we "needed" to have. Some of them were legitimate, but then I got used to justifying things and I went a teeny bit overboard. I also got way off track with making and bringing my lunch to work instead of buying it, mainly during the holiday season when I felt too busy to make lunch every day.

I started curbing my spending at the tail end of January, but I'm taking this goal very seriously in February. I refuse to go shopping unless absolutely necessary and have been avoiding all of the promotional e-mails in my inbox (or, surprisingly, talking myself out of most impulse purchases I've wanted to make).

Additionally, I started tracking everything I spend by breaking it into categories. I have always tracked the purchases I make on my credit card so that I could tie it out to my statements, but I never recorded categorically what I was spending. I know there are tools out there, but I am a perfectionist and I dislike a lot of the categories/classifications used by websites. I'd much rather spend the time tediously typing them out in the hopes that it makes me that much more aware of where my money goes. Like oh, I'm copying over the fifth line that says I bought lunch at Quick Chek this week, maaaaybe I should stop?

The other thing I'm doing this month is something I picked up while dipping my toes into the world of bullet journaling. The idea of bullet journaling makes me light up like twinkle lights inside, but I know I'm too much of a perfectionist to give it a try right now. Maybe next year. But! I was inspired by the idea of a habit tracker, which is basically a grid you make for the month and shade in as you complete small, daily goals (for example, getting in bed by 11:30pm). It's like a gold-star chart, but miniaturized! Plus, it gives me a reason to use my planner more, which is nice because it's just been a pretty paperweight thus far in the year.

I have confidence in my abilities to tackle these goals. I mean, I'm finally feeling awful enough that I need to go see a doctor about my issues (isn't that the most pitiful statement ever?), so it has to happen whether I like it or not. Finances are always important, especially since I'm choosing to stick with my job for at least the next year and I don't make the best money in the world. Besides, it feels nice to focus my energy back on myself, even if these are not-so-fun tasks. I kind of missed goal setting, I guess!

I suck at self-care.

One of my secret talents is convincing myself I’m good at self-care while simultaneously being really terrible at it.

Recently, my life has felt like two ends of a spectrum: either I am frantically busy and filling every inch of my calendar, or I'm sleeping forever. Most of the time I’m doing the former - working all day, chatting with my mom, reading blogs and scrolling through Facebook. The weekends are similarly preoccupied, but because I’m doing “fun” and “social” things, I don’t always see it that way. I'm either here or at Erik’s, most of the time with plans to see other people as well as find date-type activities to do together.

The opposite of this is keeping an entire weekend free and spending it in pajamas and in bed, either sleeping, lounging, or eating. I don’t leave the house and I barely leave my room. Usually I’m still on the computer, catching up on the lives of everyone else. This is my I'm taking care of me plan of action, even though all I'm doing is giving in to the physical limits of my body running at full speed all the time.

I'm starting to realize it is absolute madness. I get nothing substantial accomplished unless I really force myself to wedge it into my “busy schedule.” I go and go and go until I crash completely, and even then I'm not actually recuperating but instead doing the bare minimum to feel better.

I have yet to figure out what self-care actually looks like to me, mainly because I thrive on short-term instant gratification. Self-care probably consists of one or more things off of the following list:

- Getting consistent amounts of restful sleep.
- Waking up in the morning with enough time to not have major IBS problems on my drive to work.
- Meditating.
- Drinking more water.
- Eating more fruits and veggies and staying away from processed food.
- Journaling.

The problem with all of these is that they sound boring. They sound hard. They sound like work. And how can work be self-care? Yes, doing these things would be beneficial both physically and mentally, but I seem to have attached “happiness” and “gratification” to the phrase self-care. My current list looks a lot like this:

- Lots of sugary and/or indulgent foods.
- Retail therapy.
- Sleep.
- Scrolling through tumblr for an hour.
- More sleep.
- Mindlessly watching TV.

So what do I do? I am notorious for lack of discipline, so it’s a struggle to stick to that first list instead of the second. I’m trying to make it easier to develop healthy habits by setting phone alarms when it’s getting close to bedtime or making sure I bring salad to work every day. I’m identifying peak lazy times and working against them, like immediately after eating dinner, which is when I usually cuddle into bed with my laptop and social media.

How do you take care of yourself, in the non-indulgent, actually-caring-for-your-body-and-mind way? Do you have any tips? This is a serious question, because I can seriously use any and all advice. Teach me how to dougie self-care.

photo by me

January Review & February Goals.

January was a strange month - it was long but it went quickly. It feels like my birthday was ages and ages ago, like it should already be mid-March and not February 4th. Still, I'm in disbelief (as usual) at how quickly I was turning over a page on my calendar.

I didn't have any goals this month because January is always hectic. Having my birthday the week after New Year's means that my holiday season gets extended an extra week. On top of that, we had a lot of snow and I had a lot of year-end stuff to do at work, so I wasn't very motivated to do anything other than remember to sleep, eat vegetables, and drink water. (I can very easily live off of coffee and sugary snacks for quite a while without even noticing.)

Here are my goals for the following month. There are no more excuses - I spent the entirety of January on a break from most goals and responsibilities, so it's time to get back into the swing of it.

No-Spend February. Yup, another one of these. Actually, the only month I did this and was really successful was last August, the very first time I tried it. Even when I'm not super successful, though, it's still a good reminder not to spend my money on silly things. I do allow for spending on the weekends, particularly if I'm going on a date with Erik or out with my friends, but I try to limit it to one activity per weekend. I will also allow for any necessary grocery shopping, which is not a lot because my parents let me eat their food. Otherwise, no fast-food lunches or dinners, no coffee, no for-fun shopping trips, and no online purchases.

Weekly health goals. I'm already behind on this because I went to Erik's at the last minute this weekend and forgot to plan which goals I wanted to tackle on which week. My hope is that some of these will stick after doing them for a week, though the sleeping ones might go awry on the weekends. Anyway, I think it's going to look like this:

• Week One (Feb. 1-7) - Less screen time before bed / going to bed earlier
• Week Two (Feb. 8-14) - Getting up earlier
• Week Three (Feb. 15-21) - More water
• Week Four (Feb. 22-28) - Less processed foods

Since I don't use my phone or computer too much before bed when I'm at Erik's anyway, I already met half of this goal over the weekend. For the rest of the week, I plan on turning off electronics at 9:30pm, getting in bed by 10pm, and having the lights out by 10:30pm (unless I'm exceptionally un-tired, in which case I can stay up later). This will force me to catch up on reading my magazines and all the books I want to read, as well as encourage my journaling and cross-stitch habits, since those are the main non-electronic things I can do.

Complete my Holiday Council work. I was so gung-ho about all of my goals after finishing up the last Holiday Council call before Christmas. Because I knew I'd be busy for a while, I tucked away all of the unfinished paperwork and promised myself to come back to it in the new year. Well, I still haven't done that (oops). This month I plan on sitting down and re-listening to all the calls, reviewing the work I've done, and completing the remaining sheets. This year is going to be fantastic, but I need a plan and seeing as one of my goals is to Be Responsible, I have to sit down and do the work.

Blog more. I am slowly but surely blogging here a little more frequently than before. My goal has been to post twice a week, but I think I managed a weekly post only, if that (and not even on a consistent day every week). This month I'm hoping to stick to my two-posts-a-week goal. We'll see.

What are your goals or intentions for February? How was your January?

If nothing changes, nothing changes.

[Credit to Nicole for that title, which is my new mantra.]

Let’s talk about the fact that in about four days, I’m doing a five-day sugar detox.

Yes. You read that right.

A five-day sugar detox.

Me. The girl who eats a bag of marshmallow circus peanuts nightly and, most likely, other candy and cookies on top of that. The girl who goes shopping and comes home with something sugary every single time. The girl who would live off of vanilla cake batter and frosting if it was nutritionally sound.

I signed up for Nicole’s Sugar Detox program after Vegas for a few reasons. I had been thinking it over before Vegas, but when a bunch of BiSCuits joined the program, I took it as a sign and threw my myself into it. And guess what? It’s the fucking best thing ever.

There have been several times when, as I was reading the different materials, tears welled up in my eyes because finally. Finally somebody understood that it’s an addiction, that it’s not easy to give up, but also, that it’s accomplishable.

My brother and my parents have said a hundred times, “just stop eating sugar, it’s as simple as that.” Why I listen to them, I don’t know. My parents refuse to work on their own unhealthy habits and my brother is some magical unicorn who’s been able to make dietary changes with the snap of his fingers. (Seriously. He had little trouble going to vegetarian to gluten-free to a two-week diet of flounder and rice for an allergy test.)

It was always so disheartening because it isn’t that easy for me. If it were, I would’ve stopped already, no? They convinced me I was lazy and lacked willpower. They dismissed arguments that sugar is addicting or that I need to connect with the mental/emotional ties to sugar before starting to let it go. My brother basically scoffed at the idea that I was participating in a sugar detox that wasn’t just “Step One: Stop eating sugar.”

Even having someone telling me it’s okay, and it’s common, and it’s normal, made me feel ten thousand times better. Dismissing someone and blaming them for things that are not 100% in their control isn’t going to motivate them. Trust me, I’ve experienced it far too often with my family and nine times out of ten, it defeats me and nothing gets accomplished.

The program has also made me more confident to challenge my dependence on sugar because I am armed with information and coping mechanisms, along with a bunch of really specific guidelines (which I love, because I’m a rule-follower). I’m actually looking forward to five days of absolutely no sugar – I feel like I’m up for the challenge, despite having a stressful time at work and missing a weekend with Erik to do it properly.

The truth is, I've realized I'm strong enough to get through life without pacifying every problem with sugar. It's time to flex my muscles and show sugar who's boss.

Project: No More Sugar, Update #1.

Three weeks ago, I officially restarted my step-by-step process of cutting sugar out of my diet. I haven't checked in since then and honestly, it's difficult to determine exactly how much - or how little - progress I've made.

On the one hand, I am much more aware of how much sugar I eat. I check everything from breakfast cereal to a package of frozen veggies in light butter sauce to Goldfish crackers. Whenever possible, I try to peg what I'm craving. Sometimes I just need to eat something else, so I'll whip up a salad or have crackers with cheese. Other times I really do want something sweet, so I reach for fruit.

On the other hand, however, I haven't exactly followed the plan I set out for myself. The last week of March was supposed to be completely free of sugary snacks... most days, I still had some cookies or a scoop of ice cream after dinner.

Part of the problem is that I get so hungry after dinner. My old eating habits were: eat dinner, eat dessert, crave something salty/savory again, crave something sweet again, and on and on. As soon as I finish a salty snack or a small post-dinner meal, my body revs up for a sweet treat. Combine that with low will power and a house full of snacks, and there I am, eating dessert every night.

I'm trying to acknowledge the progress I've made in noticing sugar content in my food and avoiding temptation as often as possible. That's a huge improvement considering half of my snacking after dinner, as I mentioned above, used to be comprised of sugar processed foods. Still, I wish I had more self control.

As I mentioned in yesterday's post, I'm hoping to start a very simplistic diet after Easter Sunday. No more unhealthy, processed foods; only fresh fruits, veggies, protein, and grains, with a touch of dairy mixed in. I hope that during this process I can completely cut ties with my sugar cravings.

Do you get crazy sugar cravings? Or are you addicted to salty foods? What's your biggest weakness? (Mine is cookies.)

The Return of Project: No More Sugar.

Before getting on with this post, if you're viewing this in a reader, please click over to my blog! My forever-talked-about, much-needed new redesign is up and I'm obsessed with it. I did it all myself with my very limited design skills (meaning, my MS Paint skills). Hope you like it as much as I do!

We’re smack-dab in the middle of March and I am just starting to tackle my goal of cutting back sugar.

Despite giving up sugar for Lent, I have been cheating left and right (sorry God!). Really, though, giving up sugar cold turkey was never going to happen, so “cutting back on sugar” is my corrected Lenten vow.

For those who’ve been reading for a while, you’ll know I was somewhat successful with weaning myself off of sugar last spring. It was right before Easter and I had promised I would keep the habit up through Easter weekend… but then I was presented with my favorite cookies from my favorite bakery and too many clearance candy temptations at Target.

Here’s a breakdown of what I hope to accomplish in the next few weeks:

• For the rest of this week (March 14 – 17), I’m doing my best to choose non-sugary, non-processed snacks, but am not limiting myself in any specific fashion.
• For the week of March 18 – 24, I will only be allowing myself one sugary treat per day after dinner. This will be optional; I’ll attempt to substitute fruit towards the end of the week.
• For the week of March 25 – 31, I will stop eating sugary snacks. This doesn’t include “hidden” sugars in bread, pasta, tomato sauce, etc.

To help me achieve these goals, I will not be allowing myself to go into our basement for snacks. My mom stockpiles chips and cookies and sugary cereal down there – almost like an extended pantry – so I find it best if I just don’t go down there when I’m hungry.

I hope to maintain this habit into April, particularly up until Natalie’s wedding but also past that. Eventually I want to refine my diet so that I eliminate more processed foods, but for now, the focus is on my snacking.

How are your March goals going?

move over april, it's time for may.

My April has been absolutely fantastic, really and truly. Promises of warm weather were finally delivered just in time for Easter and I was able to pull dresses and skirts out of the dark corners of my closet.

I spent a lot of quality time with E (more on that later this week). I had movie and lunch dates with friends, bridesmaid dress shopping with Natalie, a wonderful Easter celebration with family, one house party with E’s friends to start off the month and another with my friends to close it out.

This month I finally started to seriously kick my nail-biting habit by painting them pretty colors and made a fairly regular habit of exercising. I’ve started making my annual list of springtime chores and have been working up the courage to start seriously job searching and making important doctor’s appointments.

April was still filled with navigating my emotions, but while it started out with a fair amount of angst, the last couple of weeks have been some of my absolute happiest. A trip to Ashley’s beach house yesterday dangled summer right in front of my face, so as sad as I am to see April go, I’m extremely excited for flip flops and beach trips.

A quick look at my resolutions for this month:

Get healthy. I was doing so, so well in the beginning of the month. Project No More Sugar was actually working, I was exercising five days a week, and I was eating fruits and veggies. Then Easter weekend hit and things went downhill from there, except for the exercising. Luckily that’s only been about a week of unhealthiness, and I’m hoping to get back on track starting today.

Work on my anxiety. With the exception of a few not-so-great car rides, I’ve been doing miles better. I’m still considering therapy, but it’s something I’ve been putting off thinking about (surprise, surprise).

Live in the moment. A little bit of no, but mostly a big fat yes.

Stay in touch. Trying! I saw several of my friends this month and have been in touch with anyone I haven’t seen.

Be me and stop worrying what other people think. Check! I did so well on this one – the big thing was letting go of all of my insecurities in my relationship, but I also did pretty good not stressing about my tendency not to drink a lot in the face of two house parties.

April’s goals were mostly a big, fat flop. The only thing I’m (mostly) decided on is where to self-host – I’m probably just sticking with Blogger because I like it and am used to it. Unless someone convinces me otherwise, that’s my decision. Be on the lookout for big changes soon!

Goals for May: make a written-out plan to improve my life; try two new recipes; schedule that damn dentist’s appointment and one with the lady doctor; apply to jobs; read at least one book; start replying to blog comments; get my blog redesigned.

Sounds exciting, doesn't it? I'm going to try really hard to focus on my goals this month instead of pushing them of in lieu of having lots of fun. May is one of my favorite months so I don't expect it to disappoint.

project: no more sugar, check-in #2.

Let me start off by saying, this past week is an example of why I don’t make specific plans and goals for myself.

I started out thinking that I’d actually be able to give up sugar completely for the entire month of April. Even as I wrote the original post and the first check-in, I knew it wasn’t really a possibility, but it sounded nice. I figured I would throw it out there, just in case I managed to complete it.

The problem is that I’m surrounded by junk food and sugary snacks. There are granola bars in the basement, cookies in the cookie jar, and cake mix in the cupboard that’s begging me to make cupcakes. That’s not even the worst part, though, because I’m able to avoid those since they’re obvious. I’ve been falling prey to frozen waffles, processed peanut butter, and the occasional bowl of cereal. (I also had a completely “duh” moment when I reached for a very sugary green tea when we were out to lunch on Saturday; luckily I noticed after the fact and only drank about half of it.)

I’m not mad at myself for these things, but the perfectionist side of me feels disappointed. Considering all of the resources on eliminating sugar emphasize cutting it out 100%, I feel as though I’m not really reaching my goal and won’t notice any difference because of it. But, I’m starting to realize that I’m adapting to my situation – while I wish I was living on my own and had complete control of the groceries that come into the house, that’s not the case and I’m dealing with it accordingly.

In general, though, things are going pretty well. I make conscious decisions to avoid sugar and even other snack foods. How I feel has been inconsistent in terms of my stomach, although I do notice I’ve been a little bit cranky and lethargic. I’m still doing a lot eating because I’m bored, but I’m more aware of it and try to stop myself when I can.

Hopefully I’ll be able to find a stretch of days when I can avoid sugar completely, but that’s going to take careful planning to make sure that I eat full meals and am busy enough that I don’t eat out of boredom. Overall, though, considering my main goal was to cut back in any fashion, I’m labeling this a success so far.

ready for april.

{♥}

As I mentioned yesterday, I am looking forward to April. Warm weather, Easter crafts, plans to see my friends, and a little surprise project in the works had me eager to turn the page on my calendar.

This is definitely going to be a big month for me. After reading some books about being a bridesmaid*, it really hit me that my involvement in two weddings in the next twelve months was going to mean being healthy and as anxiety-free as possible. I'm starting to take my goals more seriously anyway, but having another impetus is always a plus.

I tend to haphazardly declare the beginning of every month as "my month" to make improvements, but the problem is that I make that decision the night before. This time around, I've had my mind set on really starting in April and practiced eating less sugar, eating more fruits and veggies, drinking more water, and exercising this week. Now that it's April 1st, it's time to kick off the training wheels. While I'm still lacking things like a formal list of goals and any sort of meal planning, I can make do with what I have and develop a better laid-out plan over the weekend.

What will this plan entail? The usual. Drink more water. Stay away from sugar completely, or at least as much as possible (more about that next week). Start trying different grains instead of defaulting to pasta. Eat more fruits and vegetables. Recognize when I'm actually hungry and not just bored. Exercise daily. Get back to sleeping when the rest of the world sleeps.

But first, a recap of how March went for me.

Get healthy. Getting there. Though giving up sugar has been hit-or-miss, it has helped me be more aware of what I’m eating on a daily basis. I’ve been trying a lot harder to eat healthy by avoiding sugar as well as fattier foods. I also started taking probiotics every day, and although I haven’t felt much of a difference, I have faith. I’ve been drinking a lot of tea lately, so my water consumption has probably gone up, and I started easing myself back into exercising this past week.

Work on my anxiety. Oh yes, my loves. Including my visit to Melissa’s at the end of last month, I took two – two! – successful, anxiety-free, longer-than-an-hour trips with E in the car with me. I don’t talk about details of my IBS on here much, but for whatever reason my nerves mess with my stomach on car rides to my destination, resulting in at least one pit stop. Having someone else in the car usually amplifies the problem because I become more aware of and worried about it. But these two trips? Not. a. stop. (Okay, one stop on the way to Katie’s, because it was my bladder’s turn to be a whiny bitch.) It doesn’t seem like a big deal and is a little TMI, but honestly the fact that I made these two trips without incident speaks volumes.

Live in the moment. Not really. The month flew by because I was always looking ahead to the next big thing. When I was actually in those moments, I was worried or preoccupied. One of the only times I recall really being present was when it was extremely warm and I dragged a chair outside and read books, skimmed magazines, and just looked up and observed the clouds.

Stay in touch. Yup! I was lucky enough to see quite a few people this month, including all of my (local) dance girls. Anyone I couldn’t see in person this month received Facebook messages, e-mails, and texts so I could stay up-to-date on their lives.

Be me and stop worrying what other people think. Yes and no. For the most part, I was good about this one. But some of my more emotional days were filled with self-conscious worrying about my personality and life choices, particularly how they affected my friendships and my relationship.

March's goals fared better than February's. I (slowly) started eating healthier and cut out some sugar. If you count Guinness cupcakes with Bailey’s frosting as a “meal,” then I tried one new recipe this month, and I made it through two books about how to be a kick-ass bridesmaid. As for applying to jobs, getting my butt to the dentist, and cooking actual meals… those didn’t go so well.

Goals for April: make a written-out plan to improve my life; try two new recipes; schedule that damn dentist’s appointment (seriously! I have multiple cavities that I’m aware of!); apply to jobs; break my "addiction" to sugar and snacking; read at least one book; start replying to blog comments; decide what to do about self-hosting (switch to Wordpress or stick with Blogger).

I have a really good feeling about this month, so I'm ready for it to start. Let's go, April!

*Yes, I actually read books about being a bridesmaid, for a couple of reasons. One, despite being obsessed with weddings, I've never been in or even attended one, so I wanted to get more informed about what a bridesmaid actually does. Two, I like to be prepared in general. Three, yes, I am just that excited about it.

project: no more sugar, check-in #1.

Current status of Project No More Sugar = total failure.

The main reasons for this are as follows: I am a pro at making excuses, I play the “I’ll start fresh again tomorrow” card way too often, and I am the worst offender of eating because I’m bored.

On the excuses front, I’ve had a ton. First I was sick, then I was just crabby, and I was also excusing myself at any social gathering. I made cupcakes for my brother’s birthday and ended up eating the majority because nobody cared for them. My “defense” was that I made them from scratch, so even though they had sugar, they were better than processed cupcake mix and frosting.

My love of fresh starts and clean slates always does me in. Too many times, I’ve been reaching for a second helping of cookies after dinner and thinking, well I already messed this up, I’ll just start fresh tomorrow.

The last reason is the worst and the hardest to stop doing: eating out of boredom. After dinner, I consistently snack right up until it’s time for bed. Mixed in are healthy things – sometimes I nosh on a salad or a few pieces of toast – but mostly it’s junk. I honestly can’t tell the difference between being truly hungry, having an unnecessary craving, and feeling false hunger because I’m bored.

To deal with that issue, the advice is typically to clear your home of junk food. However, since I live at home and my mother is notorious for stocking up on snacks, I can’t exactly expect my parents to throw away all that food just because I can’t control myself. Since my lack of willpower is a weakness of mine, it’s a recipe for disaster.

I decided it was time to reevaluate my plan and truly start over. My new goals are to stop eating obviously sugary foods until the end of March and stop eating sugar in any form for the month of April. Also, I’m barring myself from our basement, which is where we store the majority of our junk food. That should help with a lot of the unnecessary snacking.

If I do end up indulging in something, I’m not going to beat myself up for it and I’m not going to throw in the towel. Two cookies after dinner doesn’t make me a total failure and I have to realize I’m doing more harm than good by trying to constantly start over.

Here's hoping take two goes a lot better. And yes, making an snazzy graphic is definitely a motivator, in case you were wondering.

project: no more sugar.

{via}

Last week, after posting that one of my goals this month is to cut sugar out of my diet, I got a handful of comments about how I was going to go about it.

I'll be honest - when I wrote it, I had no plans about the "how." I just knew it had to happen because one, I am very aware that I consume too many sweets on a daily basis and two, all the research I’ve been doing about my health problems suggest that eliminating sugar is a smart choice. (It's also a smart choice in general, as explained in this post. And? According to this book [which I'm planning on reading], the typical American consumes a 5-pound bag of sugar per month. Um, gross.)

In the long run, I’m going to strive toward eating more wholesome, unprocessed foods, but sugar sounded like a good starting point. Since going cold turkey is not a strategy that works for me, I've developed the following basic plan:

Stage 1 – Stop eating all obvious sources of sugar. Since my junk food consumption is excessive, the first step is to drop the habit of reaching for cookies, cupcakes, candy and soda all the time. For my sanity, I’ll still allow certain foods that I know have sugar, like cereal. Trust me when I tell you that this will be the hardest part.

Stage 2 – Start avoiding all sneaky sources of sugar. This is when I’ll start reading labels and being aware of hidden sugars, like in pastas and breads.

(I should also note that, though the goal is to stick to these very strictly, I expect that I will slip along the way in these two stages. Meaning, I may allow for a couple of cookies or a snack-sized chocolate bar at the end of my day if I absolutely cannot curb the craving. I’ve learned that if I don’t do this, I’ll just keep eating other things and feel continuously miserable, then finally indulge and end up over-indulging.)

Stage 3 – Completely eliminate sugar. By this point, I won’t really allow for any sugar intake unless it’s absolutely necessary or impossible to avoid (a PMS-induced craving or going out to eat with friends and not wanting to dissect each option to find out the sugar content).

I’m expecting the first two stages to last anywhere from one to two weeks each depending on how I feel, which means that I’ll hopefully be on track to start stage three by the end of the month. My goal at that point is to go the entire month of April avoiding sugar as much as possible, preferably completely. Of course, I expect Easter to be my breaking point – I love me some Peeps and Cadbury eggs – but I will hopefully have broken my addiction to it by then and won’t go crazy.

This is the first time I’ve actually sat down and made a plan for my diet changes (thanks blog friends for being interested, because that's what really pushed me to do it!), so we’ll see how it goes. I have confidence in myself, but have accordingly built in room for error because I know that if I don’t, I’ll throw in the towel super early. I plan to put up a couple posts throughout the process to explain how it's going and also offer tips that I've found to work for me.

Here goes nothing!

[If anyone reading has given up or cut back on sugar in any capacity, feel free to shoot me an e-mail if you have any advice/resources!]

just keep swimming.

A couple of months ago, I realized that at the core of all of my recent emotional struggles was a lot of grieving over all of the changes in my life. In the past year and a half, I dealt with graduating from college, not seeing my friends as often, losing the battle to keep a strong friendship with my cousin, breaking up with my boyfriend, and dealing constantly with my health problems. Once I understood that it was grief, I was able to work through some of it instead of crying into my pillow every night because I was so overwhelmed.

Fall of last year was my lowest point. I still hadn’t fully accepted that I was done with college and that I would never see my friends as often as I had while at school. I was in complete denial both about my health issues and my deteriorating friendship with my cousin. It all upset me because I had no control over it. The only thing still intact at that point was my relationship.

Since then, I’ve gained closure about moving on with life in many ways. By the end of January, I’d say, I was finally okay with the idea that my friends and I were moving into a new stage in our lives. I also accepted that my friendship with my cousin was never going to be the same and that I should stop putting in so much effort to save it if she didn’t care.

In the spring, I realized my relationship with Mark needed to end, but it was an emotional rollercoaster all throughout the summer. I never mentioned much here and don’t want to go into a lot of detail, but as much as I tried to imply I had moved on, I hadn’t. It was an example of my horrible indecisiveness because I couldn’t decide if the decision we’d made was right. When he was stressing out and bringing it to me, it was the right decision; when we would hang out and get along, it was the wrong one. It wasn’t until I realized that I could find the good parts of our relationship somewhere else without all the negative ones that I was able to completely wash my hands of it. We’re still friends, but there isn’t anymore emotional flip-flopping on my part. It was an incredibly difficult decision to come to terms with, but doing so took a lot of weight off my shoulders that I didn't even realize I was holding.

Even with all of those accomplishments, all of those changes that I’ve finally accepted and settled in my mind, there’s one that continues to linger: my health issues. It always comes back to that. I could write pages about it, how I’m tired of feeling like I have no control over it, how often I think about what I could’ve done to prevent it, how I just want to go back to my old self, or how I constantly think about all the things I could be doing if I were healthy. It’s becoming harder and harder to tell people that no, I’m still not better and no, I haven’t really tried much.

There are things I should be doing, OTC medicines I can take and changes in my diet that should be relatively easy. Something, though, is holding me back – fear. Fear that I’m going to try any or all of the suggestions out there and that I’m not going to get better. Fear that this truly will be something with which I’ll have to constantly struggle. Fear that I will never have the life I’ve always wanted – hosting parties, going out with friends, being an event or wedding planner, even being a mother – because I’ll be too hampered by my illness. That’s really the part of it that keeps me up at night, that makes me cry and feel lonely, because it’s really difficult for anyone else to understand.

I know I’m making myself sound like a victim when I’m the only one who can fix my problems. Still, though, I want to say this: be thankful if you are untethered by health issues, either physical or mental. For much of my life I held back from things not because I couldn’t do them, but because I chose not to because I was afraid. Now that the ability to choose is taken away from me in most instances, I realize how much I took it for granted. It sounds silly and dramatic to say that considering I just have IBS and not something worse, but it’s really the truth.

As much as I’m afraid of none of my efforts being worthwhile, I don’t really have a choice. So I’ll keep trying and keep pushing and hope that some day, I can look back on this time in my life and be glad I made it through.

progress.

{taken by my cousin, circa 2006; yes, old, but I like it.}

I’m not that person who finds it easy to follow the advice “if you fall off of the horse, get right back on.” Absolutely not. In fact, I’m that person who won’t even get on the horse, because if I don't try, I can't fail. Yes, I can't succeed, either, but I'd rather not try than try and mess things up.

Twice in the past few months, I proclaimed that I would be working on feeling better and living my life. Have I succeeded? Not 100%, not even close. But for the first time, I’m getting back on the horse when I fall off. When I start sleeping late again, I let it run its course then start taking steps to get back on normal hours. When I go off my diet, I acknowledge it and – after a six-Oreo binge – get back to eating fresh foods.

For once in my life, I’m realizing that success isn’t the absence of failure, which is something I believed for a long, long time. I give myself credit for pouring myself a glass of water and don’t punish myself for choosing to have a can of Sierra Mist every few days. Sure, I have my bad days when I’m not doing anything I should be and am blatantly choosing not to remedy the situation, but those days are becoming fewer and farther between.

I’m doing silly little things to make myself feel more motivated. In addition to my cardio, I found a plan to tone my body. My mom’s given me a list of projects to do around the house and outside, like finishing up the yard and making a scrapbook for my grandmother’s 80th birthday. I’m making shopping lists of things I keep forgetting I need and actually buying them. It gives me something to do during the day and helps me feel like I’m accomplishing things instead of sitting around the house like a bum.

Sometimes it’s really hard, but I feel like I’m making progress. It’s difficult to break a habit as big as not trying for fear of failing, but every time I do something healthy in lieu of being lazy and inactive, I’m one step closer to feeling better.

not another false start.

Oh hey April, how nice to see you! Way to sneak up on me. Yeah, yeah, I know I said that March was my month... and in a way, maybe the break up was the first step of my fresh start. One of the big reasons for splitting was that we both decided I need to be sans relationship for now and conquer my health issues solely for myself. So now, I have no excuses at all.

There are goals floating around in my head that I need to sit down and put on paper this week. I'm absolutely terrible at coming up with firm resolutions, so it's going to take some time for me to think about them and force myself to get at least a few out of my brain. Overall, I just need to get better.

With all of my health problems, I'm in a situation in which I never expected to be. Whether it's anxiety, my IBS, or a combination of both, I feel extremely limited in what I can do on a daily basis. I feel handicapped. Feeling this way at age 23 just doesn't sit right with me and it's time I do something about it.

I feel like I've written this post about a billion times so I know it sounds redundant. I'm getting sick of writing it, then coming back to it and realizing I've made no progress. This time will be different. There will be meal planning, cutting back on processed food, drinking more water, and exercising more. I'll maintain a normal sleeping pattern, go to work on a regular schedule, and eventually get back to looking for (and scoring) a real job.

I'm looking forward to feeling better, to feeling normal again.

[I want to say again, thank you for all the support. I'm having a hard time finding words to really talk about it to anyone - with the exception being actually blogging about it, because that's more like talking to myself - so I apologize for not reaching out to each of you personally. But seriously, thank you so much.]

ready now.

Over the past few weeks, that little saying about insanity has been crossing my path again and again, almost as if the universe is screaming it at me. I'm talking about the quote from Albert Einstein - "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." That's basically the story of my life.

I have a hard time trying things for fear of failing. With my recent health problems, I've taken little initiative to change my diet even though that's one of the key steps to feeling better. Why? Because what if it doesn't work? My friends and family will argue, well what if it does; my argument tends to outweigh theirs. Changing your diet is a difficult task, never mind the fact that I don't even know exactly what is causing my problems. Could be sugar, could be artificial sweetener; could be vegetables, could be whole wheat. The problem is that I could very easily cut out A and overload on B, only to find out that B is the culprit. I just don't feel like I have the energy.

Being averse to change doesn't help, although my frustration with my problems is enough to counter that fear of something new. I did, at one point, find comfort in my IBS - I had an excuse not to look for a job straight out of school because "I needed to work on my health." Of course, I didn't do much to actively work on it, so obviously, nothing got better and I never started looking for a job again.

By doing all of this, I've realized how it is actually driving me insane. Staying at home all the time, having trouble leaving the house to go my part-time job or even just to Target, turning down plans with all of my friends - it takes a toll on my mental health. My unwillingness to try to fix things once outweighed the negatives about being sick; I was content sitting at home all day. Now, though, I've had far too much alone time and have missed out on so many opportunities, so I'm finding myself more eager to take action as each day goes by.

It kills me knowing that it's going to be extremely difficult. I have to stop eating processed foods, yet there are chips, cookies and frozen dinners in the house that are all easily accessible to me. I have to go for at least a week without certain foods even if I'm not sure that's the solution. The hardest thing of all is being unable to see immediate results - I have to keep at it, relying only on the hope that I'm doing the right thing. But if it means that at the end of it, I'll be better than I am now, I am absolutely willing to do it.

I'm ready to end this insanity that I've let rule my life, now that I no longer find any sort of comfort in it.

happy thanksgiving!

With all the health problems and emotional drag that I've been having lately, it's hard for me to remember all the good things in my life. I've always been thankful for family, friends, my general good health, and all my material things. It's just a little difficult to focus on that when my stomach won't act right and I have anxiety attacks whenever I leave the house.

But today is Thanksgiving, so it's a kick in the pants for me to realize how lucky I truly am.

I have an amazing family, both immediate and extended. My parents have been extremely understanding in letting me stay here while I figure everything out, with limited griping about why I haven't found a job yet. I have a hilarious younger brother who always understands me, listens to me vent or cry, and actually offers pretty decent advice. I have aunts and uncles who would take me in at the drop of the hat if they had to, cousins who I share so many fun memories with, and grandparents who spoil us rotten, even today.

Then there are my friends. I don't even know what I'd do without them. College was a wonderful experience for me just because I ended up with a handful of really close friends, each of which I can relate to in different ways. Whether it's my roommates, my accounting major friends, or my RHA cohorts (oh, the memories of 9am exec board meetings), I love them all so very much and would not have survived college without them. As for my dance friends, they are my go-to people. I grew up with them and spent more time in the studio with them than I did my high school friends. They are practically my sisters.

My boyfriend (aka The Boy, aka Mark) is absolutely amazing. First of all, he puts up with my insanity and nonsense basically all the time, which is saying A LOT. He has been incredibly supportive these past few months with everything I'm going through. Even though we get in a lot of silly arguments, we're both too forgiving and too in love to really let anything break us. (For the record, I'm not good with this mushy stuff, and rereading that sentence? Kinda makes me wanna vom [shout-out to Katie and Melissa!]. But it is the truth.)

And last, but certainly not least, are people in the blogosphere (that means you!). While I did have this blog last year, I wasn't as nearly as involved in the community as this year. I'm thankful for everyone who takes the time to read my thoughts, comment on posts, or just say hi on Twitter. It's awesome to be able to connect with so many people so instantly.

I hope every single one of you lovely people has a wonderful Thanksgiving, whether it's sharing a small meal with loved ones or a large shindig with a 20 person extended family. I hope there's plenty of pumpkin pie, and if you have any left over, I will gladly come visit you and finish it off. I'm up early to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade (SO. EXCITED.) and then my Dad's side of the family is celebrating at our house a little later today.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

~~

Super Serious, Day 8 - Wednesday.

Sleep: Went to sleep at 4am, woke up at noon = 8 hours.

Breakfast (12:30pm) - 1 full egg and 2 egg whites scrambled with shredded cheese
Lunch (4pm) - Crab salad sandwich on rye bread
Snacks - Pretzels; taco shells with salsa; 1 pumpkin cupcake; Mike & Ike
Dinner (10:30pm) - Cup o' Noodle soup
Snacks - 1 scoop pumpkin ice cream; Mike & Ike

Drinks: 1 glass of water; 1 can of Sierra Mist
Vitamins: none
Exercise: 1 hour of raking/sweeping; intermittent chores throughout the day (cleaning, bringing stuff up/down the stairs)

i love prep work.

Yesterday was spent cleaning and baking and crafting, and I'm tired!

I spent two hours doing place cards, because I'm a freak like that. My mom was seriously surprised and annoyed that I'd taken so long for that one task. But I did get my cupcakes done, which need to be iced and decorated tomorrow. They are absolutely delicious even sans icing.

Today is dedicated almost completely to cleaning, as company comes tomorrow and the house has to be as clean as possible. At least I have my baking to look forward to - pumpkin pie and decorating the cupcakes.

I always have so much anticipation before a holiday. Things are fast-moving and exciting. Everyone's tidying up, making food, bringing out the good china, and in some cases, wrapping gifts. The actual holiday usually goes by much, much faster than I'd like it to. Still, I can't help looking forward to them even if they do go by in the blink of an eye. It just doesn't hurt that I absolutely love the prep work part of it as well.

~~

Super Serious, Day 7 - Tuesday.

Sleep: Fell asleep at 6am, woke up at 5pm = 11 hours.

Dinner (5:30pm) - Taco salad (ground beef, lettuce, tomato, corn tortilla, cheese)
Snacks - Pasta with sauce; ravioli; 3 pumpkin cupcakes; cup of noodle soup

Vitamins: none
Exercise: 10 minutes of Wii Sports and 30 minutes of DDR
Drinks: 1 glass peppermint tea; 2 glasses of water

Notes: Bad, bad news all around. I'm really not doing such a swell job. I'm not too sure why I couldn't fall asleep last night, but then I never woke up when my alarm went off so I went into a Coma Sleep until 5pm. Yikes. I'm having my mom wake me up today, so I should be back on track. I still really need to work on the exercise, though.

blast from the past.

For the past few weeks, I've been organizing the family photos. We had envelopes upon envelopes of developed film dating back to around 1996. Yeah, that's thirteen years worth of photos.

During the organizational process - sorting out doubles, numbering the envelopes, and putting everything in albums - I decided to snap pictures of some of my favorites. My original purpose was to put them on Facebook to thoroughly embarrass share them with my family, but then I realized I could also give you guys a peek into my past.

My older cousins, my brother, and me, being a distraction.


Classy, I know.


Christmas photo! I'm retroactively pinching my OWN cheeks.


Proof that I did, in fact, play sports at some point in my life.


Go, go power rangers! You mighty morphin' power rangerrrrrrrrrs! In case you were wondering, this was the year that EVERYONE was a power ranger.


There's nothing like an eighth grade dance photo to scream LIFE AS A PRE-TEEN WAS TOTALLY AWKWARD.

~~

Super Serious, Day 6 - Monday.

Sleep: Went to bed at 4am, woke up at 3pm (hooboy, that's no bueno) = 11 hours.

No breakfast, no lunch - I went to work as soon as I got up.
Dinner (9:30pm) - Pasta with sauce
Snacks - 2 scoops pumpkin ice cream; salad with shrimp, shredded cheese, croutons & Caesar dressing; 2 blueberry waffles

Vitamins: none
Exercise: none
Drinks: 2 glasses of water

Notes: Eep, I was really bad. No real meals, no exercise, and not-so-healthy food. Hopefully I'll make up for it for the next two days. I'm probably going to do a "cleansing" diet, by which I mean I'll try drinking only water and tea, eating only "good" foods as much as possible, and completely avoiding the "bad" foods. I guess that means the pumpkin ice cream in the freezer is going to go untouched. Sad face.

day five.

No regular entry today, folks. Sorry about that. I was out all day yesterday at The Boy's house and today, I'm off to work for the afternoon.

I'll be back tomorrow!

Super Serious, Day 5 - Sunday.

Sleep: Fell asleep at 5am (oops), woke up at noon = 7 hours.

Lunch (3pm) - Turkey and pepper jack cheese sandwich on an English muffin
Dinner (6:30pm) - Chicken and broccoli with jasmine rice; small serving of salad
Snacks - One scoop of cookies & cream ice cream; a handful of popcorn; 1 slice of pumpkin pie; 1 oatmeal cookie; leftover ravioli

Vitamins: Multivitamin, iron supplement & calcium chew
Drinks: 2 glasses of water & 1 Capri Sun
Exercise: 2 hours of washing cars/running around at The Boy's house

my goals, explained.

I guess since I'm doing pretty well with documenting my project, I should list what exactly I'm trying to do here.

• Reducing snacking. This means eating more full, scheduled meals and having substantial snacks. I'm also trying to minimize snacking past a certain point before bedtime.
  
  
• Eat more 'good' foods. Regarding my health problems, I have found a website that lists food I should eat, ones I should be careful with, and ones I should completely avoid. I'm supposed to stick more to things like pasta, rice, bread, and potatoes. So basically, carbs.
  
  
• Avoid the 'bad' foods. As per the list of foods I should be eating, the "completely avoids" are things like caffeine, chocolate, coffee, dairy, and fatty foods. I have become much more conscious of eating less butter/oil, checking the fat content of packaged foods, and limiting dairy.
  
  
• Drink more water. Like I noted in my last post, I'm really bad with having enough water per day. This one's pretty self-explanatory.
  
  
• Exercise. This has been tough since my sleeping has been off. I'm spending the day with The Boy, so a short walk may be involved, but I'll definitely be back on track with this tomorrow.
  
  
• Sleeping. Basically, stop sleeping for 12+ hours. Friday night I hit 15, but that was after staying up Thursday into Friday after my ridiculous sleeping binge. I'm shooting for 10 as my "regular" number, for now.
  

So there you have it. I don't exactly have too many specific goals because I find that if I do, when I don't reach them or am doing badly, I give up more easily. Having open-ended goals is better for me because I find that I'm more productive that way.

~~

Super Serious, Day 4 - Saturday.

Sleeping: Woke up at 2pm after going to bed at 11pm = 15 hours.

Lunch (3pm) - Pasta with sauce
Snacks - 1/2 bowl of Jell-O
Dinner (5:30pm) - 3 pieces of skirt steak; 1/2 a large potato with Smart Balance; salad with fat free ranch dressing
Snacks - 1/2 bowl of Jell-O; 3 vanilla sandwich cookies; 3 homemade oatmeal raisin cookies; slice of pizza; steak quesadilla

Vitamins: Multivitamin, iron supplement, & calcium chew
Drink count: 2 glasses of water
Exercise: 10 minutes of Wii Sports