Getting over it

I almost don't know what to do with myself now that competition is over. Saturday was actually pretty calm, especially compared to Friday, which included the biggest argument I've ever witnessed in the history of my dance school. It was.. scary and upsetting. I don't really feel like recounting the entire thing because, well, I want to pretend it never really happened.

Competition flew by, as it always does. As usual, I ate nothing all day until after my performances, because my nervous stomach would've rejected anything I tried to eat. Our duet came first, and we both came off stage thinking it wasn't so great. Then we got ready for our group hip hop, which felt like it went amazingly. At the end of it all, though, they both scored the same. Of course Chris's two solos - which for the most part were made up on the spot - both got High Gold. Ashley's solo got Gold. The other two were High Silver.

Going into this, I thought we'd do really, really well. I thought the hip hop would at least get Gold. Needless to say, I'm pretty disappointed, and I think this was just the final moment to realize that it's time to retire, at least from the competition circuit. I always have a false sense of confidence going into competition, because I forget the technique levels of all the other schools.

I keep trying to hold onto this dance thing, and watching it start to slip away is a little disappointing. What's strange is that all the dancing I do that's not for competition is what I do best. Whether it be me just blowing off stress here in my dorm, or the routines I learn at dance conventions or in hip hop class that are just for fun, I seem to nail all the movements. But when it comes down to the routines that I'm actually responsible for, that are going on the competition stage, seem to fall a little flat on my part. I don't know if it's stress or what, but my performances on Saturday were not my best. And it's upsetting.

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You know, the worst part of being a girl is not the once-a-month cramps, but the once-a-month bout of emo-ness. It's really frustrating. I can feel it coming on, and basically what happens to me is that I feel like crying. So, of course, I think of things that will make me cry. And we all know what's still on the top of that list. If you don't know.. then you need to talk to me and find out.

For the most part, I'm past it. Percentage-wise, I'm 95% over it. But there's still that lingering 5% that imagines "what if" and wonders if any of those "what ifs" will come true. I think I hang on to that 5% because I don't foresee any other opportunities arising in the near future, so I keep that little bit of hope. At the same time though, that hope is like a double-edged sword. While it's great to think positively, it's basically a constant disappointment. That's why I'm trying to reduce that percentage until it's down to two or one, because obviously I can't hold out hope forever. I give myself a lot of credit, because I can tell you that I was holding on to a lot more in the initial aftermath. To tell you now that there's only that little 5% left is an accomplishment on my part. That's how I know that I'll be able to reduce that even more.

Another reason I keep holding on is because I never actually got an explanation. I hate that, in general. I have a couple of unanswered questions that I would prefer to have answered, which is constantly irking me. I gave up my opportunity to ask these questions. In all honesty, I could probably still ask them, but I dislike confrontation and awkward conversations, both of which would be the result of asking the questions. So I'm stuck, unless the information is offered up voluntarily. And let's just say, I sincerely doubt that will ever happen.