Sunday, April 13, 2008

going crazy

At least once every semester, I hit a point where I feel like everything is overwhelming me and that there's no getting through it all. It's usually right around this time, when there are about three weeks left until finals, because I'm realizing two things: I've put off end-of-the-semester projects for too long; and, I really, really need to do well on my finals.

What sucks about this feeling is that, instead of motivating me to actually, I don't know, get started on all my work.. I just feel like laying in bed. All day.

And of course it hits me today. I planned on being productive today, considering I was at Relay for Life from 6pm Friday until 6am Saturday, then sleeping for a bit before showing Lynds and her family around campus and going out to eat. I was in a daze after they left, because it felt earlier than it was and I was still pretty exhausted. I crashed at around 11pm, which was a lot later than I expected. Then for a million unexplainable reasons, I woke up today at 7am and I cannot fall back asleep for the life of me. Needless to say, it's frustrating.

All I wanted was to fall back asleep for a few more hours. I have been getting comments from many people about how tired I look all the time, and considering I only got about six hours of sleep after Relay, I wanted to get more than just eight today. On top of that, I can't shake this feeling of impending failure. That's part of the reason I think I couldn't get back to sleep - I kept thinking about how much work I'd have when I woke up.

One of the major reasons for my freak-out is this project I have due at the end of the semester. I have yet to do anything for it, except draft a couple of ideas for a topic. The problem is that the explanation of the project in the syllabus is very, very vague, and I'm not a fan of vague. The second reason is my financial accounting course. I have, once again, done very poorly on the tests, leaving me no choice but to study intensely for the final. So basically there's a war in my brain - part of me thinks Oh God, I need to get started on all of this RIGHT NOW and get a lot done today, but the other part says CALM DOWN. There's plenty of time. Go try to sleep. And it goes back and forth, back and forth.

When I get like this, it really feels like I'm going crazy. I can't relax enough to fall sleep, I can't lay around without feeling incredibly guilty, and still, I can't work up the energy to actually do any work. It makes me want to scream.

I'm going to try to sleep again before it gets too late for me to do so.

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