Thursday, June 11, 2009

and now, a really long rant about life.

[Long, rant-y vent ahead. You've been warned.]

I don't like change*. Like, really. I'd go as far as saying I despise it.

I know most people aren't fans of change. Nobody likes things to be different, for chapters of their lives to close and be done with forever. New things are exciting, fun in their own way, and will eventually seem normal. I get it. But the part right before things settle in, when you're staring at the gap between you and what's next and you're not sure you can make it if you jump? That's where I am. And I'm afraid.

Graduating college has ended a part of my life I didn't realize would end. To be honest, I spent most of my time not acting my age - I was acting younger. I spent my high school years avoiding the typical teenager behavior because I was hanging out with people younger than me, specifically my four-years-younger cousin. Going through college was a similar experience. The group of friends I acquired spent more Friday and Saturday nights not at frat parties getting drunk, but watching movies and talking until 5am.

Up until now, I didn't see any problem with this. I enjoyed my high school and college experiences, even if they weren't what you'd call "typical." But looking back now, as I try to understand my dissatisfaction with my current life, I feel like I somehow missed out. In those moments, I didn't have any urge to go out and party. I had no scandalous prom weekend, where I snuck away from the careful eyes of my parents and drank myself silly. Not once did I drink before I was 21, nor did I even attend a party before last summer. And at the time, I didn't care.

Somehow, that's changed, and now I really, really do care. I feel like I'm behind, like I want to do things after the opportunities have passed. A big part of it is probably that I spent so much time with my younger cousin. She just had her prom and prom weekend, and for some reason I'm finding myself incredibly jealous. My prom was nothing like hers, and there was no trip down the shore afterwords for me. She's heading off to college next fall, and to be honest, that's right where I wish I could be in my life.

It's so frustrating to feel this way, to feel like I did high school and college completely wrong. I know I had fun while I did it, I really do. But sitting here, right now, I feel like I had no fun at all.

Change has totally knocked me off my feet, and I hate it. Not only have I graduated college with a less-than-stellar GPA in a less-than-stellar economy, but I missed my chance to secure a job through the school. They make it so easy for my major, but since I was going through a crisis about what I wanted to do, my grades slipped and I'm stuck without a job.

What does a girl need when moving from one phase of life to another? Girlfriends! Guess where mine are? Nowhere to be found. Everyone is so busy with their lives, and I seem to be the only one bumming around my house and doing nothing. My younger cousin, my so-called "best friend," has changed into someone I don't even know anymore, and it's hurting my heart. Sure, we exchange heartfelt gifts and words, but it's been a good year or more since we last sat down and actually talked. My college friends are scattered throughout, all busy with their jobs or continued schooling. I've barely spoken to my two best friends in the past few months since they both graduated early.

On top of all that, I can't keep my sleeping and eating habits under control, so my stomach problems rage on with no relief in sight. This makes me reluctant to spend time with anyone or do anything because I end up becoming a nervous wreck and making my stomach worse. So I confine myself to my house, opening myself up only to company of The Boy because he understands my situation the best. And what good does that do me? I'm almost positive that a handful of my friends (if not all of them) think I'm isolating myself and choosing to spend time only with him. My lack of communication with almost everyone is unsettling to me, and most of the time I feel like I've been abandoned.

It's just really difficult feeling so unstable, especially when I feel like I have no support. It's a terrible, terrible experience to feel not only unsure of yourself, but also of your friendships. All I want is things to go back to the way they were in junior year, when I was happy and healthy and enjoying my life.

But I can't. And it sucks. Because I have no idea when anything's going to get any better.

*I'm not talkin' Obama-type change. That change is good times. Obama change, FTW!


Melissa said...

Another marathon comment from Melissa.

I'm so glad you wrote this. I'm not *happy* per se that you're feeling this way--more like relieved. Because this is exactly how I've been feeling for the past few weeks. I can especially identify with you on the issue of graduating into an unstable economy with an unimpressive GPA and resume, as well as the problem of coping with friends who seem too busy or simply different. It's like everyone changed right under my nose and I didn't even notice until now [I'm referring to home friends, not college friends, don't worry :)]. I've been feeling so lost as well and I was convinced I was the only person I knew going through this.

And I can only speak for myself, but I definitely don't assume that you're isolating yourself or hiding away from company--I figured it was the same as everyone else: settling in, trying to adjust to post-college life, maybe unpacking like crazy or even job hunting (...HA).

I don't know how much of this entry was really directed to me, but nonetheless I still feel guilty for not being there for you, especially when you and I are going through so much of the same thing. I'm really sorry about that, because your friendship means a lot to me even, and I hate to think that it could fade away because of neglect. So I guess I just wanted to say that I'm always here to talk, and umm we should hang out and catch up!! So much more Jon and Kate gossip to discuss!

cloverything said...

I figure it's about time I stop pretending that I don't secretly read your blog without your knowledge. Because I do. Read your blog. And I enjoy it very much.

Although I have not yet joined the ranks of the graduated (one more year to go!), I think I can still weigh in. You know you had a great time doing those things that aren't "typical," so just try to remember that! Don't worry about what you could have done, or how it could have been. It happened and you had fun! That's all that matters. And honestly, going to frat parties is definitely not all it's cracked up to be. I speak from experience. My experience of attending one frat party. I had no desire to attend another. There is no way you did anything wrong. It's your life, and I don't think you can really do anything wrong in life. You just choose a different paths at different times in your life. So no regrets! Blah blah, I just sounded like a Hallmark card. I apologize. But I speak the truth, or at least in my opinion I do.

I'm not sure if this will help or not, but I hope it does. And sincere congratulations on graduating--as a fellow procrastinator I know that it's no small feat! :)


ps. Sorry this is a million years long.

k.m.h said...

[I also must admit that I follow your blog and I'm not sure you knew that!! :)]

1. The up-side of a bad economy: the freedom to pursue what *you* want. The lack of "safe" jobs is a perfect excuse to choose the road less traveled--celebrate the fact that you're not handcuffed to a desk at H&R Block!

2. What you miss about college reminds me of my own nostalgia--for Wolfe 1 -esque camaraderie, the familiar routine, the endless possibilities-- the really, really good times. Those things don't go away just because you graduated. While it is bittersweet that a chapter in life is definitely closed, you're now free to really pause for a "moment" (days, weeks, months) and just assess. Outside of the constant grind of school, you can just *breathe* for a second and figure out what comes next. While certainly frightening, this time is so unique and wonderful--you have a bachelor's degree, now what? What cool, new direction is your life going in?

3. Maybe feeling really down right now is part of a bigger transformation that has only just started. Let yourself be sad about everything, but don't forget all the really great things that graduating means for you. I'm proud of you and all of our friends for accomplishing something huge. This is all part of the fascinating Western rite-of-passage to adulthood that begins with drivers licenses (or maybe 6th grade lockers? the revocation of snack time??). Part of the experience, I think, is feeling ridiculously imbalanced (hence the fact that your blog's title is so perfect... I wish I had thought of it!).

Realize that everything I just wrote is to console myself as well...I feel exactly the same way as you and I keep latching on to weird truisms like "This too shall pass!" I do lots of laundry. Eat. Cry. And such. If I've learned anything, though, it's that 5 years into the future I'm always going to be yearning for today--or this "time" in my life. So I try to keep that in mind.

We should start a stitch-and-bitch club that meets monthly? I need to learn how to knit first, but I'm so serious you have no idea.

<3 Katie Hynes

k.m.h said...

I meant Wolfe 3 btw... oh god, am I already forgetting?? LOL.