Thursday, February 11, 2010

ready now.

Over the past few weeks, that little saying about insanity has been crossing my path again and again, almost as if the universe is screaming it at me. I'm talking about the quote from Albert Einstein - "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." That's basically the story of my life.

I have a hard time trying things for fear of failing. With my recent health problems, I've taken little initiative to change my diet even though that's one of the key steps to feeling better. Why? Because what if it doesn't work? My friends and family will argue, well what if it does; my argument tends to outweigh theirs. Changing your diet is a difficult task, never mind the fact that I don't even know exactly what is causing my problems. Could be sugar, could be artificial sweetener; could be vegetables, could be whole wheat. The problem is that I could very easily cut out A and overload on B, only to find out that B is the culprit. I just don't feel like I have the energy.

Being averse to change doesn't help, although my frustration with my problems is enough to counter that fear of something new. I did, at one point, find comfort in my IBS - I had an excuse not to look for a job straight out of school because "I needed to work on my health." Of course, I didn't do much to actively work on it, so obviously, nothing got better and I never started looking for a job again.

By doing all of this, I've realized how it is actually driving me insane. Staying at home all the time, having trouble leaving the house to go my part-time job or even just to Target, turning down plans with all of my friends - it takes a toll on my mental health. My unwillingness to try to fix things once outweighed the negatives about being sick; I was content sitting at home all day. Now, though, I've had far too much alone time and have missed out on so many opportunities, so I'm finding myself more eager to take action as each day goes by.

It kills me knowing that it's going to be extremely difficult. I have to stop eating processed foods, yet there are chips, cookies and frozen dinners in the house that are all easily accessible to me. I have to go for at least a week without certain foods even if I'm not sure that's the solution. The hardest thing of all is being unable to see immediate results - I have to keep at it, relying only on the hope that I'm doing the right thing. But if it means that at the end of it, I'll be better than I am now, I am absolutely willing to do it.

I'm ready to end this insanity that I've let rule my life, now that I no longer find any sort of comfort in it.