Re-examining how I set goals

{from here, found here}

I'm really fantastic at making goals. And lists, plans, dreams, and timelines. Organizing my thoughts is my jam and makes me feel comfortable and awesome.

But when it comes down to the action and the "doing" part? Not so great at that.

This weekend, after feeling particularly miserable both physically and mentally, I decided to stop complaining. Stop whining. Stop feeling sorry for myself. I was so tired of hearing myself and imagining what I sounded like to other people. And I got down to the doing.

I went for a walk on Saturday even though I had pretty terrible cramps and even though it was only for fifteen minutes.

I ordered salad when I was out to dinner two nights in a row.

I sat down and started revisiting all of my Holiday Council materials so that I can get my concrete, long-term goals into focus.

I read the magazines collecting dust in my room.

I prepared lunch and coffee for the next few days of work.

I went for another walk on Sunday for longer than I wanted and then I did an arm workout.

All of these things have been on my mental and on-paper checklists for months. Months. These are things I've been meaning to do since before the New Year, that I then excused myself from during the holidays, and that were meant to be worked on "just as soon as ____ is over" (my birthday, Valentine's Day, THIS AWFUL WINTER). The problem is that there was always something new to fill that blank and put off everything just a little longer.

For now, I'm throwing away my goal-setting tactics. I'm not setting goals the way I always have, because there's that quote about doing the same things over and over and expecting different results (spoiler alert: it's the definition of insanity). Instead, I'm making a list of things I want to do or improve in my life and when the time feels right, just do them. I don't want to save a specific dollar amount or exercise a certain number of times a week or eat sweets at this hour or that many times a day.

Instead, I want to be aware in the present moment and say "no" to spending on something I don't need, say "yes" to exercise as long as I don't feel completely like dying, and replace sweets with something healthier whenever possible and not giving a shit when I can't (or when I simply don't want to).

Plans feed my perfectionism and because of that, I always thought I was doing fine job setting goals. Then I wouldn't meet them and would wonder what's wrong with me. Unfortunately, my perfectionism prevents me from accomplishing almost any of the goals I set out for myself because I'm too specific, so when I trip up, I throw up my hands and say "fuck it."

Making a decision every time an opportunity arises, without having a set goal in mind, removes the temptation of "I'll just start over tomorrow" and forces me to do something. And that's the whole point of it all - not only creating pretty lists on how to become a better version of myself, but actually becoming that person.

just remember...

Perfect Saturday morning motivation.
{spotted on yes and yes}

progress.

{taken by my cousin, circa 2006; yes, old, but I like it.}

I’m not that person who finds it easy to follow the advice “if you fall off of the horse, get right back on.” Absolutely not. In fact, I’m that person who won’t even get on the horse, because if I don't try, I can't fail. Yes, I can't succeed, either, but I'd rather not try than try and mess things up.

Twice in the past few months, I proclaimed that I would be working on feeling better and living my life. Have I succeeded? Not 100%, not even close. But for the first time, I’m getting back on the horse when I fall off. When I start sleeping late again, I let it run its course then start taking steps to get back on normal hours. When I go off my diet, I acknowledge it and – after a six-Oreo binge – get back to eating fresh foods.

For once in my life, I’m realizing that success isn’t the absence of failure, which is something I believed for a long, long time. I give myself credit for pouring myself a glass of water and don’t punish myself for choosing to have a can of Sierra Mist every few days. Sure, I have my bad days when I’m not doing anything I should be and am blatantly choosing not to remedy the situation, but those days are becoming fewer and farther between.

I’m doing silly little things to make myself feel more motivated. In addition to my cardio, I found a plan to tone my body. My mom’s given me a list of projects to do around the house and outside, like finishing up the yard and making a scrapbook for my grandmother’s 80th birthday. I’m making shopping lists of things I keep forgetting I need and actually buying them. It gives me something to do during the day and helps me feel like I’m accomplishing things instead of sitting around the house like a bum.

Sometimes it’s really hard, but I feel like I’m making progress. It’s difficult to break a habit as big as not trying for fear of failing, but every time I do something healthy in lieu of being lazy and inactive, I’m one step closer to feeling better.