Busy, busy, busy!

Life has been crazy, friends.

Last week we got all the big work done on our downstairs half-bathroom - the plumber put in a new sink and toilet and we got new flooring in the bathroom and entrance hallway. Tuesday was stressful as we had one bathroom so share between four people, three of whom tend to have nervous stomachs. I scrambled to fix the walls behind the plumbing before heading out to stay with my grandparents and aunt for a few days. When I returned, I got to see the finished product.

(I wish I had "before" pictures to show you because this is a VAST improvement. Just imagine tacky pastel-floral-print wallpaper, a deteriorating toilet, and white linoleum tile flooring that was un-cleanable. )

In the midst of my visit with family, I got an e-mail to schedule a phone interview for a job I had applied for. After a phone interview last Wednesday and an in-person interview yesterday, I'm SO happy to say that I finally have a job! It's such a relief, even though it added a bunch of stress to my plate for a little while.

On Sunday, we hosted an Easter party with family, which wasn't stressful itself but was tiring and busy. At the end of the night I was exhausted and on the verge of tears when Erik decided to leave early (instead of hanging out 'til 10 or 11pm) because I was so overwhelmed.

Additionally, Natalie's wedding is less than two weeks away and her bachelorette party is this Saturday, and Melissa's shower is also this Saturday morning. I've been busy figuring out what to wear, ironing out plans, and making sure I have everything I need.

So yeah, things have been busy, but in the best ways possible. Life is so unpredictable that way.

Every Day I'm Tumblin'

Folks, if you're not on tumblr, you're missing out. (And if you are, follow me!) I know some people don't "get" it; if you're one of those people, e-mail me and we'll have a chat.

It's great for finding some inspiring things and really expressing yourself. You "heart" what you like and reblog what you love, and the result is that your page becomes a visual description of your hobbies and personality (and maybe some obsessions, like when I reblog anything Harry Potter, Henrik Lundqvist, or Glee related).

Like I mentioned yesterday, I've been a little down-and-out, but scrolling down my tumblr dashboard always cheers me up, or at least allows for a place to vent. Here are some of my favorites from the past few days.

 

♥

♥

♥

♥

Happy Friday!

Eleven Meme.

Memes are my favorite. I was that girl who posted bulletin after bulletin on Myspace, filling out questionnaires whenever they popped up. So here we go!
 
Here's the rules.

1. You must post these rules.
2. Each person must post 11 things about themselves on their blog.
3. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post and create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.
4. You have to choose 11 people to tag and link them on the post. Go to their page and tell them you have linked him or her.
5. No tag backs and you legitimately have to tag 11 people.

11 Facts

1. I went to an all-girl high school and, despite the fact that I felt too sheltered, I absolutely loved it.
2. I took dance classes for fifteen years and my favorite style is hip hop (and I'm actually good at it, if I can toot my own horn for a second).
3. My only sibling is my brother, who's two years younger than I am.
4. My first kiss happened when I was 21.
5. I have a bad habit of chewing on my lips and the insides of my cheeks.
6. When I got my ears pierced, it was because my crush in third grade was getting one of his pierced. Except, when we came to school on Monday, he'd chickened out. I hadn't.
7. I have always lived in New Jersey and probably always will (maybe not when I'm retired, but I can't think that far in advance). I love it here.
8. I'm allergic to penicillin.
9. I am absolutely terrible at taking shots.
10. I don't have a smart phone.
11. When I was young, I used to hate the color pink.

11 Questions for Me
I definitely copied Stephany here and did a mix of questions from her and Erin, since I was tagged twice.

1. When was the last time you felt proud of yourself?
When I finally applied to some jobs on Wednesday. I've been dealing with a lot of emotional crap that's been holding me back and it was great to finally get over that hurdle.

2. What is your favorite day of the year?
My birthday. All year long I spend my time focusing on other people, so when my birthday comes around, I take advantage of the opportunity to make it all about me.

3. When you go to the mall, do you go with a specific purchase in mind, or just go to browse?
I would never go specifically just to browse. Either I need something and I go in-and-out just for that, or I buy what I need and browse afterwards.

4. Do you use a planner? Paper or electronic?
Yes! I have an Erin Condren Life Planner and I love it. I’ve tried scheduling my life on an online planner, but I end up ignoring it. Having my EC planner laid out on my dresser means I’m always updating it.

5. What is your must-have beauty product?
Mineral powder foundation. It’s so light and fresh and easy to apply.

6. Where is one place (city, state, or country) that you are dying to visit?
Ireland. I have this strong connection to my Irish heritage, so I’d love to visit. However, my fear of flying and being away from home for too long might prevent this from ever happening.

7. What is one resolution or goal you have for 2012?
Finding a job! My word for the year is healing and I’m definitely focusing a lot of my energy there, but it’s an absolute necessity at this point for me to find a job.

8. What would be your last supper?
Caesar salad with shrimp, a plate of penne vodka and a foot-long Italian sub, with lots of meat on it. For dessert? Vanilla bean cheesecake.

9. If you could eat a meal with one person, dead or alive, who would it be and why?
Either my nana or pop-pop. If I could cheat, it’d be with both. They both passed away when I was young and I miss them a lot. Now that I’m older, I’m so much more curious about who they were.

10. What is your dream job?
I would love to be a wedding planner. Sometimes I go back and forth about it, but honestly, everything about it appeals to me. I would even grit my teeth and learn to be pushy with clients and vendors.

11. When you need a snack, do you reach for sweet or salty? (Bonus points if you list your favorite snack.)
Both. And here’s why – I have this awful habit of eating something sweet, then craving something salty, then craving something sweet again. It goes on and on. My favorite sweet treats are Kit Kat bars and any type of cookie. My favorite salty treat is pizza-flavored Goldfish.

11 Questions for You

1. What do you wash first when you're in the shower?
2. Favorite birthday celebration?
3. What's your favorite movie? (Or top 3, because I know I couldn't pick a favorite.)
4. Who changed your life the most?
5. What's your shoe size?
6. If you won the lottery, what is the first thing you'd buy?
7. What trait/skill do you have that you're most proud of?
8. Do you have a favorite scent of lotion/perfume/cologne/body wash? If so, what is it?
9. Which celebrity would you love to meet?
10. When was the last time you cried? What was it about (if you're comfortable sharing)?
11. What position do you normally sleep in? (On your stomach, on your back, etc.)

Tag! You're It!
Alright, I don't have confidence in my ability to tag 11 people who haven't done this yet, so if I'm re-tagging you, I apologize.

Ashley | Melissa | Suki | Linda | Joey | Natasha | Grace | Nora | Katherine | Katie | Ashley

Birthday Confessions.

My birthday is still four days away, but as you'll find out in my confessions, today is the middle of my birthday week! In the spirit of that, I decided to share some birthday confessions.

• I treat the whole week as my "birthday week." As soon as the excitement of New Year's dies down - usually on January 2nd - I launch into birthday mode. It's not really something I advertise; mostly, it's me celebrating myself. Sometimes it means dressing up for work (I never do and I like dressing up), stopping at Starbucks for a latte, or taking myself shopping for something small. Or sometimes it's just as simple as wearing my pink 'birthday princess' tiara around the house all week.
• I love getting gifts! Christmas, for me, is honestly more about the excitement of giving gifts. Yes, I enjoy receiving my Christmas gifts, but I'm usually focusing on the reaction of other people opening my gifts. For my birthday, it's all about me, and I can't lie when I say I really revel in it.
• Checking the mail becomes my hobby for the week. Our mail comes between 1 and 3pm, so during those hours, I keep peeking out the window to see if I can spot the mailman.
• For the third year in a row, I'm throwing myself a birthday party. It's always really great because all of my friends come over and it's like a big catch-up session between everyone. Plus, I love having everyone who's important to me in the same room. I look forward to it all year.
• This year I wanted to do something special for my 25th birthday, but I dropped the ball. My friend Ashley went to Disney World for hers, and while I wouldn't do something that big, I wanted to maybe go to the Poconos, Medieval Times, or even just the local club-like bar to go dancing. I ended up getting busy and the logistics were too much to work out, so it's back to my basic birthday party.
• Facebook birthday greetings make me so happy. I know some people think they're impersonal because random people you don't talk to comment on your page and most people wouldn't remember if not for Facebook, but I can't help smiling at all the notifications popping up all day long.

Christmas Haul.

While I finish up the recap of my fabulous Christmas weekend, today I'll be sharing a few pictures of all the goodies I got this year! To me, showing off my gifts is proof that I was excited and grateful to receive them. It’s like a great big thank-you note!

My very first gift was from Melissa a week ago – a pretty necklace that came in a cute little box. (She also brought cookies for my family, which were super delish.)

Since I missed out on my family’s Christmas Eve gift exchange, my next set of gifts were from Erik, and he did a good job shopping for me. I got a Rangers sweatshirt to wear to the game we’re attending in January(!), a pair of earrings I was lusting after, and a gift card to Victoria’s Secret.

My favorite part? The tie in the front is criss-crossed like hockey jerseys are.

 

 

I'm not lying to you when I tell you these match my eyes exactly. Love them.

Christmas morning was spent with Erik’s family, which meant swapping with Natalie. She knows me so well – I got sour gummy worms and a Starbucks gift card. Now I can buy lattes guilt-free! Plus, I was super surprised to find a gift from his family under the tree for me, containing a perfume set.

In between the morning’s celebrations and my family party, I unwrapped my gifts from my parents on my own (they were already out at the party). I did pretty well – an Erin Condren planner; the same earrings Erik got me (I did not expect my mother to buy them for me); a scarf; feather earrings; a calendar; the last two Harry Potter DVDs; and a buttload of candy.

 

My new scarf & earrings.

At my aunt’s house, I’m pretty sure I freaked out at every gift I received. My cousin Clancy made DVDs of all the footage she’s video taped at our family gatherings* and also got me cute knee socks, candy and nail polish. Lynds got me Hello Kitty pajamas and a necklace, about which I was the most excited. My aunt gifted me a satchel-type purse, which I really wanted because sometimes lugging around my big purse is too much.

 

I can’t help but get excited about receiving gifts, but I was also just as excited to watch everyone open the gifts I got for them. It’s one of my favorite parts of Christmas.

What was your favorite gift from Christmas? What was the best gift you gave this year?

* Clancy is the younger sister of my cousin who was in the Navy and lived in California. She would carry a video camera around to record all of our family gatherings and send them off to him. I asked her a few times if we could get copies and she was finally able to get them on DVDs!

Wordless Wednesday: Christmas Treats.

Bullet List Friday.

{♥}

Happy Friday everyone!

I'm running on five hours of sleep and am buried in holiday-related to-do lists. In the spirit of that, this blog post will also contain a list... a Bullet List, that is! Everyone's favorite!

What I've been up to:

• My obsession with Hello Kitty is coming back. I say 'coming back' because I used to love HK in high school. It was my 'thing,' which basically meant I carried around a lot of HK paraphernalia and my friends always gifted me with more. Once I packed up and headed to college, an affinity for Tinkerbell eventually replaced HK. Slowly but surely, I'm growing to love all things Hello Kitty again - I saw a Hello Kitty microwave at Target the other day and nearly died. True story.
• On Tuesday night I made all of my Christmas cards! I just need to pick up some envelopes and write them out, then they'll be on their way. You can still get in on this - click here to jump to the form.
• Last night, Erik and I had a major disagreement (okay, call it an argument if you will, but I think that's a dirty word). We eventually worked it out, realizing along the way that we handle our anger and emotions in nearly identical ways (the jury's still out on whether that's a good or bad thing). More importantly, it was one of those fights that forced us to peel back some layers and by the end of it, I felt like we were closer because of it.
• I successfully spent $100 less on Christmas gifts for friends and family this year than I did last year. I felt really proud of myself. Of course, I quickly realized that the $100 difference was spent on Erik's gifts... at least I didn't spend more than last year? That's good, right?
• There are still a few Christmas movies I haven't watched yet this year and somehow, they're all of my favorites - The Nutcracker, Love Actually, and The Grinch (the original cartoon). How have I not watched these sooner?! I will definitely be remedying this immediately.

Christmas (& Birthday) Wish List.

'Tis the season for overindulgent wishlists! As you may or may not know, my birthday is a mere two weeks (on the dot!) after Christmas, so all of my gift-receiving is jam-packed into a small period of time. The following is a list of things I'd love to own, both reasonable (meaning I might actually get it) and unreasonable (meaning I'll have to save my own pennies).

 Pink sparkle TOMS

I've been lusting after these for the longest time. They're currently on my List of Things to Buy When I Finally Get a Job.

 

Glee the Concert Movie

When I saw this in the theater, I loved it. Ash and I were singing along to all the routines and dancing in our seats. I'm trying to cut back of asking for/buying DVDs because I have a huge collection that I rarely watch, but I'm such a Gleek that I have to have it.

The Black Eyed Peas Experience // Just Dance 3

No surprises here - I'm a huge dance addict. It makes sense that I squealed with excitement when I first saw the commercials for both of these games. I don't just want these, I need them.

Nail polish!

{photo source}

One of my big accomplishments this year was finally breaking my nail-biting habit after nearly sixteen years. Yeah, that's a long time. So I want to celebrate with lots of pretty nail polish colors! The OPI and Essie brands are a bit out of my 'daily splurge' range so onto my wishlist they go.

iPhone

I was on the fence about which smartphone to get when I could finally afford one. Well, for his birthday in October, Erik got an iPhone and it took about... a week of seeing him use it and occasionally using it myself to fall completely in love with it.

What are you wishing for this Christmas?

{Have you signed up to receive a Christmas card from me yet? If not, go here and do it!}

Wordless Wednesday: Belated Halloween Edition.

 

Just because I realized I never shared it. We're Arnold and Helga from 'Hey Arnold,' if you weren't sure and/or didn't watch 90s Nickelodeon.

Closet Re-Design.

Before I repainted my room, my closet had photos taped to the door in a grid. Everyone really liked it, but it was difficult to trade old pictures for new ones and all the pictures I took down had sticky residue where the tape was. I was trying to think of a way to easily swap photos and, thanks to some internet inspiration, came up with a clothesline-like setup.

As you'll see, I also pinned up a few non-photo things, like ticket stubs and things like that. My plan is to eventually print out all the pictures I have currently and put them in some albums or boxes, so that I can easily switch photos when I get tired of the ones up there.

And now, for the pictures!

Playing Favorites.

On the list of BEDS topics, the first few are about our favorite things. Since I like common themes and I didn't use any of those topics on those days, I'm going the first five prompts.

Your favorite song
My love of music is far too expansive for me to only pick one favorite, so here are three: Only the Good Die Young by Billy Joel; The Middle by Jimmy Eat World; Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson.

Your favorite movie
I'll list my top five, just for kicks -- Ferris Bueller's Day Off; Dirty Dancing; Grease; Anchorman; Centerstage.

Your favorite television program

So You Think You Can Dance?

Your favorite book
It's a tie between the Harry Potter series (if I had to pick a favorite, I'd go with Deathly Hallows) and Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.

Your favorite quote
"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -- Ferris Bueller

Share some of your favorites in the comments - pick one or answer them all! I'm curious.

Friday Finds.

I found a lot of cool stuff floating around the blogosphere this week, so I decided to round up all of the posts I found inspiring.

Don't believe everything you think. I'm pretty terrible with letting my brain get the best of me. Here's a list of four questions to help you remember that just because you think it doesn't mean it's true.

It only takes a moment. As a firm believer in random compliments, this post really touched me. This is the kind of person I strive to be - one who notices the little things and tries to cheer people up whenever possible.

Journaling to stay present. While I don't journal nearly as often as I should, I found this so insightful. I think I've accomplished all three of the main points mentioned at some point or another, but I really want to get back into the habit of journaling regularly so I can make sense of my life more often.

One of my blog crushes, Amy from Just a Titch, posted this week about changing your eating habits. I'm (very slowly) trying to get on a better, healthier diet, and I loved all of her tips - I especially agree with never saying never, because once you tell yourself that you can't have something, you're going to crave it more!

Confession time: I have a handful of wedding blogs in my GReader, so I get a healthy dose of wedding stuff every day. This, though, is the best thing I've seen - a make-your-own s'mores bar!

 

{via Grey Likes Weddings}

Happy Friday everyone!

These Are My Confessions.

This whole blogging-every-day thing is really tough, you guys. I don't like today's suggested topic and I'm totally stumped. Time for some random confessions.

1. I am totally impatient when it comes to people posting pictures after an event. During Friday's festivities, the MOH and our junior bridesmaid were snapping pictures all day and night, and I'm dying for them to get posted. I already have to suffer through the wait for the professional photos, I want something.
2. E left an extra set of clothes here (for when he forgets to bring some, which has happened a handful of times) and I have been shamelessly sleeping with his shirt because it smells like him. Is that weird? I don't really care if it is, because I'm going to keep doing it.
3. I am slowly running out of money. It's not pretty. And it's embarrassing, because my grandparents gave me a significant amount of money to put towards Danielle's wedding (for the dress, shoes, gifts, etc.)... and I spent all of that money, even though half of it wasn't wedding-related. It makes me feel awful.
4. Occasionally, when I don't hear from people for a long time, I imagine they're planning a surprise for me and that's why they haven't been in touch. But then I remember they're probably just super busy. Still, it's fun to pretend sometimes!
5. My job search has to start up again soon (especially with my dwindling bank account), and even though I know it's a necessity for me now - both for monetary and health/anxiety reasons - to get a job that isn't prestigious, I still feel like a supreme disappointment to everyone. I grew up being the honors student, the prized daughter and first grandchild who was destined for and capable of being something amazing, like a doctor or teacher... and I'm going to end up with a mundane desk job. That's really why the job search takes so much out of me; I feel like a huge failure.

monday is for bullet lists.

• This month, in an effort to be more connected to the blogosphere, I'm participating in VEDA, which stands for Vlog Every Day in August. (Never heard of it? Go here to get the info and sign up if you'd like!) I rarely vlog - I've only done it twice - but I've always wanted to do it more often, so this is the perfect way to accomplish that goal. Plus? I think it's going to be super fun. I won't be posting many (or any) videos here, unless I find one particularly worth sharing. If you aren't participating but still want to follow along, click here and subscribe to my channel.
  
  
• I'm coming off of another awesome weekend today. After an afternoon of (successful!) shopping, I headed to E's house on Saturday and we went to a graduation/birthday/new job party for one of his friends. It was a laid-back barbecue, so I spent most of my time lounging in lawn chairs with a beer in my hand, watching the boys plan Kan Jam and bonding with a few of E's friends. On Sunday, we slept in and spent the early afternoon hours snuggling in bed, E with his new Macbook, showing me all the cool stuff on it, and me with my crappy Dell laptop, enviously glaring at him. We headed out to meet Natalie, her fiance, and a couple of their friends for dinner, a last-minute addition and great end to our weekend.
  
  
• My youngest cousin turned seventeen yesterday and I just feel so old. Being seven years older than him, I can vividly remember playing with and taking care of him when my mom babysat. The fact that he now has a job, will be able to drive, towers over me, has gotten past the awkward teenager phase and now hugs me when I see him? I can't deal with it. He needs to stop growing up.
  
  
• I've restarted my sugar fast, although this weekend I definitely cheated. A lot. I got through Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday without any at all. On Friday, plans fell through with E and I got moody about it, so I splurged and had an ice pop. Saturday I had two cookies, and Sunday I went all-out and had a green tea frappuccino from Starbucks, two cookies, a Kit Kat bar, and some peach rings. Whoops. I plan to start it up again tomorrow and go most (or all) of the week without it.
  

feed me!

Okay, so last week when I got my grown-up blog address, I said you didn't have to do anything.

I fibbed.

This is proof of how extremely disorganized I can be sometimes, considering this is the second post about me switching URLs. You can tell that I didn't plan this out at all - I bought my domain last week after going back and forth about it and figured, well, that's all there is to it! Because clearly, I don't know what I'm doing.

Anyway, the point is that I realized that my post from yesterday didn't show up in Google Reader until midnight even though it posted here at 5am. Which means I needed to update the feed, which also means all of you lovely people who use a reader need to update your feeds as well.

So if you would, please click the link below so you don't miss anything!

http://feeds.feedburner.com/findingherbalance/rss

Thank you kindly and happy hump day!

movin' on up!

So, after three and a half years of blogging with a blogspot-dot-com URL, I finally put on my big girl panties and bought a custom URL. After hemming and hawing, I stuck with Blogger (because WordPress scared me too much). Presenting, my Taking This Blog Seriously URL:

http://www.findingherbalance.com

As far as I know, if you're subscribed in a reader, this changes nothing since I bought the domain via Blogger. However, if you've been visiting me by using my blogspot-dot-com URL (or searching some variation of princess and cait and blogspot), you can start using this instead, since it's hopefully a bit easier to remember.

Unfortunately, findingmybalance.com was already taken, and I'm still not sure if I'll officially change the name of the blog so as not to confuse people. Thoughts?

Happy Friday!

lessons learned from eat, pray, love.

Last weekend, I began reading Eat, Pray, Love. It was a spur of the moment decision to read it – I actually wasn’t sure if I wanted to, seeing as it’s received mixed reviews, but my mom had picked it up at the library and I just happened to be looking for something to read while lounging in my backyard.

As I read through the first section about Gilbert’s travels through Italy, I found it strangely fitting that I’d picked this book up when I did. I had vowed to take Memorial Day weekend to relax and unwind, putting away my responsibilities and stresses for a couple of days. My goal was to connect with and enjoy the moment; this was Gilbert’s goal as she spent her days in Italy.

In her quest to figure out her life, Gilbert spent several months in Italy simply because it was something she wanted to do. She didn’t have a set plan to visit certain places or do anything specific. She got up in the morning and did whatever she felt like doing. I found that so truly inspiring that I almost wanted to get up and go to Italy, too, except then I realized I don’t much care for traveling or being in a country where I don’t speak the language. Instead, I tried to extract this revelation and apply it somewhere in my own life.

If you read this blog regularly, you know that one of my goals this year is to live in the moment because I have a hard time doing so. I’m constantly dragging the past along with me like a ball-and-chain and simultaneously worrying about all the possible outcomes of any given day in the future. If I’m not doing that, I’m busy listening to music, reading blogs, or watching TV to distract myself from my own thoughts. Rarely do I ever just sit with myself and breathe.

I am, however, pretty good about indulging myself on a regular basis. If I want a treat from Starbucks or a cute top from Forever 21, I go ahead and get it, so I’m no stranger to the whole “doing what I want when I want to” mantra. But usually I don’t go deeper than simple things. I don’t stop and listen to my mind, my heart, or even my body to figure out what it is I want on a daily basis. Last weekend, I had no choice – my body was pretty much demanding that I take a break and spend time in the fresh air.

I really enjoy the way Gilbert weaves her story because it’s relatable. I’m hopeful, but not necessarily expectant, that perhaps I’ll find inspiration in the next two parts of the book. For now, though, the reminder to check in and do what makes me happy is floating around in the forefront of my brain and it’s doing wonders for me.

i hate being sick.

Things have been a little quiet around here this week because I've been sick. And no, not just with my stomach (although that's been persistent), but with another viral throat infection as well. I've spent the better part of this week either in bed or moping around the house, trying to be productive while feeling terrible about canceling all of my plans.

It's hard to find the energy to do anything when most of it is sapped from, well, being sick and the rest is spent being upset about it. All of my chores and to-do lists are piling up and I simply don't feel like touching any of them. I haven't even found the motivation to do my Joy Juice journal prompts or blog.

When I get sick, especially with my stomach troubles, I always get caught up in all the things I can't do. I can't go out this week. I can't go out this weekend. I probably can't go out next week. I can't see my friends, go dress shopping during the big sale weekend, or take a last-minute trip down the shore like I wanted. I can't eat what I want because I need to be on a bland diet, even if it doesn't even seem to be helping. And the ultimate can't that is I can't be a good girlfriend/friend/employee in this condition. (Leave it to me to be the most concerned about how this affects everyone else.)

This weekend is going to be spent collecting all of the bits of energy I have and improving my health. That's Step One, and nothing else can come before it. I have to put aside all my concerns for everyone else and fix myself first. There will be meal plans, daily schedules, and strict dietary guidelines. It won't be a fun and crazy Memorial Day Weekend, but it will ensure that I can have fun for the rest of the summer and beyond.

And besides, I can lay out in my backyard and it's almost as good as the beach - and I won't even need to deal with horrendous traffic!

(P.S. - I'm guest posting at my friend Stephany's blog Stephany Writes today while she's on vacation this week! I rarely get asked to guest post, so swing by and say hi!)

it's monday.

It's Monday.

It's Monday and I don't really have much to say, because my weekend was shot to hell from an IBS flare-up that had me laying and bed and sulking, not because I felt all that bad physically but because I felt emotionally broken again.

For months and months, I built up my confidence, pushed through my anxiety, and made really big leaps in terms of my eating habits. I've been on a relatively low-fat diet for months and had given up sugar for a while; I take probiotics and mulitvitamins every night, eat fruits instead of sugary snacks, and do yoga every morning.

Then Easter came. I allowed myself a break, eating cookies and candy and not feeling guilty for it. Even after that weekend, I kept giving myself reprieves, promising (as always) that I'd get started again tomorrow. Tomorrow never showed up.

In the past two weeks, I had not only been eating poorly but I was also getting cocky. Normally, I make sure to consolidate plans for one or two days a week, because going out means eating even worse and taking medicine, so it's nice to have a few days in between to "recover." Last week? I went out every. single. day. for a full week, just because. Seven days of not eating breakfast, not working out, treating myself to fast food or Starbucks, eating only one healthy meal, spending the night snacking, and overloading on my medicine.

Around Tuesday last week, I could feel my body giving out. The stomach cramps were coming back, I had indigestion when I went to bed, and I was exhausted. I promised that after going to work on Wednesday, I would give it a rest and get back to normal. Usually it just takes a day or two to get back on track after a long stretch of busy days. This time, it's taken four days, and I'm not even feeling back up to snuff yet.

I'm so frustrated with myself and my body. Obviously it's my own fault for giving up completely on my healthy habits and letting everything slide, but it really should not be this bad. I haven't felt like this for months and months. I've had weeks worse than this one and have recovered in a day or two. The fact that I've been taking it easy since Thursday and have still been feeling crummy makes me worry that I made things worse or that something not in my control brought me back to square one.

Square one is a shitty place to be, because square one is where I feel like nothing I'll ever do is going to fix this. And since I worked so hard for six months and one week undid all of that work? That fear of never solving this problem is back in my face, and I really don't like it.

why i love suburbia.

On the sunniest, warmest day of last week, my neighbors across the street had their three grandbabies over for a visit. The oldest one is no older than six, the youngest around two, and the third is somewhere in between.

They ran around the driveway, the youngest one obviously anxious to ride the “big boy” bike (which was still a three-wheeler) like his two elder brothers. The oldest, with firey-red hair, held the handlebars and helped him from toppling over.

Later on, two of them went on a walk around the block with their grandma, the middle one staying behind. His grandpa, a man whom I have only witnessed as a parent of teenagers and then adults, took turns pitching and hitting a wiffle ball with his grandson. Hearing his "grandpa voice" - the one that’s light, fun, and encouraging - made me smile. But it was hearing the ball smack against the bat and come bouncing across the street that warmed my heart.

Once upon a time, before my neighbor was a grandpa, he was simply a father of his own three boys. They are all a good ten years older than me; I only ever remember them as teenagers. Back when my brother and I were little balls of energy and spent hours playing outside, they’d occasionally come out and hit the wiffle ball. At first they’d come across the street to get the ball themselves when they hit it, other times we’d stop our own activity to throw it back. But then they did something awesome: they officially invited us to be their outfielders.

We never played for long and I don’t remember it happening more than a few times. Still, it stuck with me. The older kids let us play with them. We were part of their wiffle ball game even though they were in their late teens and we were still under the age of ten. It was the coolest thing ever.

Since then, the boys – now men – have grown up and moved out, one of them sadly passing away much too soon. The oldest one is married and now brings his three rambunctious sons to play in the driveway in which he once swung the bright yellow plastic bat. It's memories like these that make me love suburban life and never want to leave it.