Tuesday, March 4, 2008

An explanation

princess cait x0: so a little bird told me that you were asking around about my eating habits
jd1686: the little birdie got me and kyle confused
jd1686: it happens all the time lol
princess cait x0: well it was implied that you were BOTH involved
jd1686: ok that might be true
jd1686: lol
princess cait x0: !!!
princess cait x0: why don't you believe me? :-(
jd1686: we don't want you to be sick anymore

Assuming that the reason provided is the real reason for questioning my eating habits, this is cute. It's nice to know that in at least one instance, there's actual, legitimate concerns backing up their constant ridicule.

Let me explain. On Mondays and Thursdays, in those five minutes before our second accounting class starts, the boys find a way to make fun of me for, well, everything. Monday's topic: my eating habits. Because apparently, since I don't get lunch with them in between classes or after our second class, I don't eat at all. Even after explaining that usually I have my lunch here, from the food I buy at the grocery store, as well as letting them know I eat at the dining hall almost every night... they didn't believe me. Then, while having my dinner date with Katrina this evening, she tells me that they were asking her about my eating habits. And I was insulted.

My eating habits are messed up, and I'm the first to admit it. It has taken a lot for me to be okay with eating in public. Something happened in elementary school that has stuck with me for a really long time, although I can't specifically pinpoint an exact event that triggered all of this. All I know is that for a couple of years, I insisted on eating lunch at home EVERY DAY. After that, my lunch consisted of a juice box. Eventually I was able to go back to eating a little bit, usually crackers or rice cakes and fruit snacks. Middle school was no better. High school wasn't, either - I went from eating just a small package of Pringles, to just salad, to just yogurt. And that was it.

The problem, at least in those cases, has always been amplified by an unwarranted fear of feeling ill after eating too much. The thought of having to sit through 2-3 hours of classes after eating always stressed me out for reasons I can't really explain. That habit hasn't gone away, which is why I can't bring myself to go grab lunch in between my two classes. Those who know me might notice that I also have a problem going to eat before any class, be it breakfast or lunch. If I could tell you why, I would be able to just get over it, wouldn't I? But I don't know why, so I can't.

Eating in public in general is the main issue, but clearly the one I have been able to overcome in many ways. I was actually quite worried about coming to college because I knew I would have to eat in public all the time. Luckily, I got over that, at least enough to eat a healthy amount for my meals. Still, I struggle with this. People who eat with me see it, but don't get it - they see that I never finish my entire meal, especially in a restaurant setting. This is probably the thing that makes me feel most self-conscious, because it's the thing people notice most, and comment on. I bring home food every single time I go out to eat, with very few exceptions.

Obviously I don't expect people to know all of this, because I don't really share it. Why? Because it takes a lot of time to explain, and there's no real reason for it, so I don't usually feel like making people try to understand it. By not explaining myself, however, I open myself up to misconceptions. On the surface, people just poke fun at me. I'm sure there are a handful of people who watch me eat barely half of my meal and think certain things, assuming I'm doing it on purpose to diet or something. I've had people think I'm anorexic. It all really hurts, because it's not something under my control. When I stop eating, it's because I feel that if I take another bite, I'm going to be physically ill.

Honestly? I wish that everyone I know would read this blog and understand what I'm saying. I'm starting to get tired of being made fun of and having people think I have a serious problem. Besides, all anyone needs to do to prove all their assumptions wrong is to come to my house, either here or at home, and spend one afternoon/evening with me. Because in the comfort of my own home, I eat NONSTOP. Trust me.

Wow, I totally didn't mean to go off on a tangent like that. But it really feels good to let it all out.


Speaking of being sick, I still am. I'm losing my voice and I'm still congested. But it's okay - as opposed to Melissa saying I sound like a man, Katrina says I have a sexy bedroom voice.

The weather has been gorgeous lately, although I understand that it's only temporary. Today it was 65 degrees. I walked outside in a short-sleeved shirt and was comfortable. I'm going to miss it when it goes back to being freezing cold.

I'm currently watching the primary results, and getting kind of frustrated. Texas is pretty much half and half, and I'm crossing my fingers that the votes coming in are going to Obama. And of course, as I'm typing, they're calling Ohio for Clinton. Son of a B.

Well then. I'm off to sulk about Clinton making somewhat of a comeback and wait for my loverly roommates to come back from their hardcore studying.

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