doctor mark b.

It’s been two years in the making, filled with so many downs sprinkled with just a couple of ups.

I listened to practiced presentations, fixed typos in PowerPoint, and proofread papers. I showed up with sandwiches from the dining hall and made pasta and chicken dinners when he was too busy to eat. I sat on his bed, doing my own work and eating from a tub of animal crackers, gently pushing him to get back to work when he got frustrated. I drove to his house several times in one week, prepping him for the second round of MCATs.

I dried tears and spilled plenty of my own. Luckily most of my senior year was easy enough that I could spare my time when he needed me. There were countless breakdowns, mood swings and arguments, most of which I blindly submitted to without complaint. Occasionally I found myself overstressed and immersed in my own breakdown as a result, but nothing I couldn’t survive.

Many people ask, or at least wonder, why? Why would I sacrifice so much – sometimes at a heavy price – for someone else’s dream? Part of it was probably because I didn’t have a dream of my own that I could dedicate myself to, part of it was because I was in love. But most of it was because I knew that if I didn’t help, his dream, and subsequently his life, could fall apart in front of him.

He became a pessimist and at every challenge, he found it that much harder to go forward. Whenever he wanted to give up, I refused to let him. I calmly explained, I bargained, I comforted, I played the optimist, and at times, I just full-out yelled at him. I kept pushing because I knew that if it was truly what he wanted, he could achieve it. And after two years of poor MCAT scores, late applications, too few interviews, six-hour trips to far away schools, and a couple of acceptances to mediocre schools, he finally got taken off the wait list and accepted at his school of choice.

Last Friday, August 6th, it all became real. I sat in the fourth row, next to his family and behind a handful of fourth-year medical students in the indoor courtyard of the university hospital. It was one of the first times I was at a celebratory ceremony for one of my peers – I had been on the other side at my own graduations and in the audience for younger cousins and friends – and it felt strange. It felt even stranger that, when they addressed the family and friends in the audience, they were talking to me.

It took pretty much all I had not to start bawling at every turn – as the speakers talked about supportive family and friends; as they addressed the incoming class as “future doctors”; as Mark took the stage and donned his white coat. I have a habit of finding the strangest moment to become emotional and it happened again as my tears held out until the end, when the class recited the Hippocratic Oath. It wasn't a particularly poignant moment, but it was at that point it all clicked, that this was truly happening and Mark would eventually be walking around a hospital, taking care of people.

It’s been difficult and challenging to push him through this uphill battle, but it’s been completely worth it. Although our relationship is over, we're still really close like any best friends would be. And, honestly? I’ve never been happier for or prouder of any person, ever, than I was in that moment (and still kind of am).

the breakup.

This is a post I really wish I didn't have to write, but I do.

(Well, okay, I don't have to, but blogging tends to be my place to document things and this is a Pretty Big Thing.)

After a two-week-long series of discussions and mind-changing, The Boy and I have (amicably and mutually) decided to break up. Personally, I have yet to decide if it was the right decision in the long run - most times I think it is, but sometimes I hurt so much that I think this can't possibly be the road to take.

We both came to the realization that our relationship was coasting, mainly because we're both dealing with issues that the other can't understand. We think in two different ways and it's not working with the big things going on in our lives. All in all, it seems to definitely be an issue of poor timing, and neither of us knows if the pieces will come back together at a different point in our lives. That's something nobody can know, really. But we're planning on staying friends because while we don't work as a couple anymore, we still get along well and have no reason to cut the other out of our lives.

It seems so strange having this all happen just a month after Valentine's Day and only about two months before our two-year anniversary. It's hard to say goodbye to somebody after that long. I thought it was going to be easier than it has been (I don't know why I though it would be easy) and honestly, I'm a bit of a hot mess right now.

Since this is my first relationship, this is obviously my first break-up. I'm not really sure what to do with myself. Hopefully I'm making plans with friends this week, but otherwise I plan on laying low and watching a lot of TV. Any other sure-fire things to do to make me feel better?

good thing i've got all this chocolate.

Oh, internet. Do you know how tiring it is to be a Google Maps liaison for a traveling boyfriend who is neurotic and calls every hour to find out how much further until his six-hour trek from New Jersey to West Virginia is over? I DON'T THINK YOU DO. I feel like I'm the one who's been stuck in a car for hours. The best part (yes, it gets better!) is that tonight I get to spend a couple hours over the phone prepping him for a medical school interview, then do the whole where am I, how many more miles thing again tomorrow! Relationships are awesome.

(I kid, mostly. I'm just tired and emotionally drained because I had sympathy-anxiety for him having to drive six hours, potentially in snow.)

Good thing he left me with these over the weekend:

And if that wasn't enough Valentine's Day swag, my weekend kicked off with the arrival of a Very Special Package on Saturday morning - the one from my Be My (Blog) Valentine. I was more excited than was probably appropriate when I saw the mail truck pull up and drop it off, but dude, I totally had reason to be that excited because when I opened it? It was filled with awesome.

ZOMG!

Upon opening the package it was revealed that my secret bloggy valentine was Brittney from LaMidge, and she totally pegged me. Included in the package was a pair of adorable and fluffy pajama pants, a custom-made dance music CD, Disney Princess nail polish (!!!), a face mask, a packet of raspberry zinger tea (my favorite!), and a bunch of goodies including some delish cookies, chocolate-covered marshmallows, and chocolate-dipped fortune cookies!

I had so much fun participating in Be My (Blog) Valentine. I loved every single thing in my package (thanks Britt!!) and I also loved putting together the package for my blog valentine.

And now, it's time for a nice helping of all of my Valentine's Day treats in preparation for the stress-inducing interview prep with The Boy.

about the boy.

A while back, The Boy and I were talking about my blog and I sort of promised that one day, I would write a blog about him. Not that it's something I need to be forced to do - I have plenty to say - but I'm not good with The Mushy. In person I am, but when I have to write about my feelings, especially for another person? Blahhhvomit.

But, I guess Valentine's Day is a good a time as any to talk about him.

Let's start with some basics. He does, in fact, have a name - Mark - although I rarely call him that (usually he's just 'babe' to me). The first thing anyone would notice about him is that he is ridiculously tall and lanky. I'm 5'7" and have always been known as "the tall one" amongst my friends and dancers, and he makes me look like the short one.

See? He's a giant.

He likes basketball and kayaking, is trying fervently to get into medical school, and has two best friends who are just as tall as him and are also studying to be doctors (I find the coincidences weird, he probably doesn't). He wears glasses for things like driving and even though he hates them, I really like them. He's can be a huge nerd at times and will always make the corniest joke whenever possible.

We first met in junior year at the EMS semi-formal. Mark was a part of EMS and so was my roommate, Danielle, so my other roommate Natalie and I went as her guests. Basically, my only interaction with Mark was being introduced to him - I spent the evening hanging out with my friends. We saw each other again briefly during our school's spring carnival, but again, it wasn't anything personal - we were both with friends and I don't think we talked at all.

Weeks later, in late April, he randomly friended me on Facebook (foreshadowingggg!). I remember being suspicious because it was completely out of the blue. Later that night, Danielle came back from studying with him and his roommates and dropped the bomb on me with the following story.

After she'd left the boys' townhouse, Mark came running after her to talk to her about something. She was worried because he prefaced it with a whole bunch of "I've never done this before" and "I don't know what to say," but then proceeded to ask her if she thought I would be at all interested in hanging out with him. And that's when my jaw dropped through the floor, because seriously, how often does something so adorable ever happen, never mind to me?! Needless to say, my friends and I were giggling like maniacs the entire rest of the night.

The earliest picture I have of us, from June of 2008.

Despite all this loveliness, Mark and I had a rough start. When we first hung out, which was smack-dab in the middle of finals no less, I felt we had absolutely nothing in common. It wasn't until we saw each other over the summer that things started to click. We started officially dating on June 3rd, but hit a really rough patch right after that regarding religion. Once we resolved that issue, though, we had relatively smooth sailing.

The two of us have been through a lot together. I've watched him struggle to get into medical school for two years, he's been there with me during my troubles with IBS. We are both quick to forgive which makes all the arguments we have seem totally worthless. He treats me like a princess in that he pretty much always thinks of me first. He'll go out of his way to do things for me if he knows it's something I'd like. When I'm sick, he takes care of me. When I don't feel like going out because of my stomach, he's content to stay in and eat Chinese food for the hundredth time. When I'm sad, he does every ridiculous thing until I smile and/or laugh.

I am so lucky to have such a wonderful person as my boyfriend. My day isn't complete unless I've talked to him and most nights, we chat over Skype before going to bed. I honestly don't know where I'd be, emotionally and mentally, if it weren't for him.

I love you babe. ♥

grace in small things, 17/365.

I've neglected GiST for far too long, so I'm bringing it back with a twist (at least for this post). I usually make a little list, but this time I feel a full entry coming on.

This past weekend, I ventured out for the first time in a while. I was due to visit The Boy, and since his house is halfway between my house and my aunt's shorehouse, I figured the two of us would drive down and visit. Aside from the ridiculous amount of traffic, I'm glad we made the decision, especially considering there was a farewell party for my cousin and another neighbor, who are both going off to college soon.

The ride to The Boy's house and the subsequent drive to the shorehouse were nearly unbearable. While the combined time for both trips should've been just about two hours, instead it was nearly three and a half. Of course, it's mostly my fault for planning to make these trips on a Saturday. In the middle of the day. On the first sunny and warm weekend of the summer. In New Jersey.

If you're from North Jersey or travel the GSP to get to the shore, you can probably guess what bridge this is.

I was instantly at peace with my decision when I stepped in the house. As usual, I was offered a lovely alcoholic drink (which I passed on, since my tummy had been icky all day) and a comfy seat amongst family and friends. We talked, laughed, and traded playful banter about things like stupidly using your finger to test the heat of baked penne vodka, my aunt's hot flashes, and sneaking bread before the food was put out.

My cousin, at the ready to light the sternos at a moment's notice.

As we waited for dinner to be served, the guests continued to show up, sharing stories, hugs, and smiles. I love the people who live on the block by the shore house. They're so bubbly and welcoming, and remember me even if I only visit once or twice every summer. At one point, the random mix of old and new songs being generated by the random "party mix" TV music channel came to a meeting point when Only the Good Die Young started playing. My 18-year-old cousin, whom the party was for, came running inside with her friend and started belting out lyrics, along with me, our cousin's 27-year-old girlfriend, and a few of the parents. It was one of those moments that doesn't make for a great story, but at the time it just feels so good for your soul.

Sunset.

The best part was after we'd all eaten, when most of the party guests had drinks in their bellies and the sun had just finished setting, and the dancing commenced. My aunt recently had an addition put on the house - a gorgeous back patio with screen windows to keep the cool breeze coming in but the nasty greenheads and mosquitoes out. With the outdoor speakers blasting Just Dance, the twist, and everything in between, we all hit the makeshift dance floor. The older guests danced in a tipsy stupor, while the teenagers let loose as best friends enjoying themselves together one last time before my cousin left for college. We did the Hokey Pokey and the limbo, laughing and dancing and sweating.

My youngest cousin, giving the girls a run for their money.

She has no shame, although she did try to tuck her dress under before she went for it.

Those are the moments I live for. While we were spinning in circles during the bridge in the chicken dance, belting the lyrics to a favorite song, and laughing at made-up dance moves, everything else fell away into the background. All my worries, concerns, doubts, shortcomings, and feelings of sickness were gone, and I was happy.

I was letting go and laughing loudly, something I need to find a way to do way, way more often.

MCATs and new recipes.

Oh, Monday. This past week went by way too fast. I had off from work since my boss was on vacation (I work part-time out of her house) and it was bliss. Unfortunately, I'm still working out health problems, so I couldn't book every minute of my time to hang out. Mostly I just bummed around, actually. And visited The Boy.

Twice this past week I took the hour drive down to his house to help him study for MCAT (Medical College Admission Test). Now, I know what you're thinking, and you're right - I'm not doctor material and would never consider being a doctor. Plus, I'm pretty sure my hardcore fear of vomiting rules me out immediately.

However, on this Super Scary Medschool Exam there is a verbal section. That's where I come in. I can't really say I'm a pro (I scored a zero on one set of questions), but I'm pretty good. Good enough to offer some advice and a different perspective, anyway. So I've spent two whole days reading MCAT practice passages, and if you remember the SATs or have taken another standardized test recently, these passages are crazy and cover the strangest of topics. We did one about Typhoid Mary, another about how to improve your speaking, and yet another about the bible. Well, at least they're interesting.

We're making a fair amount of progress. Test day is July 30, so there's still a solid week left. I forsee another trip or two down to his house before that. I swear, his parents must think I'm crazy since I drive all the way down there just to help him study. My parents must think the same, actually. I guess I don't see it as a problem because I don't mind driving - I like blasting my music and getting some time to myself.

Other than that, I spent this weekend trying out some new recipes. My full-blown health kick lead me to making a yummy sandwich with turkey, provalone, black olives and lettuce, a blueberry smoothie, and an attempt at making my own tortilla chips.

The tortilla chips were a big, fat FAIL. But at least I know why! I think the oven was set too high, and also, I stupidly placed one of the trays on the lowest rack closest to the flame. So, of course, the bottoms crisped up before the tops did, resulting in them being burnt on the bottom but still soft on top. But it doesn't stop there, oh no. I still had the other tray that was successful so far. I turned my back to pour myself a glass of water and grab something else from the fridge, turned around to check on them, and they were already dark, dark brown. I was so, so frustrated because if I had just kept my eyes on them, they probably would've been really good.

Oh well. At least the sandwich and smoothie came out really well. Gotta take the bad with the good.

i can swing higher than you.

Sometimes, all it takes is a few minutes on a park swing set to make everything in life okay again.











What's something in life that ALWAYS makes you feel better?

feeling lonely.

This semester is turning out to be a really crappy one, considering it's my final one.

Last year was my favorite year of college, and I shared most of it with three amazing people. One graduated a year early and headed off to medical school, one graduated just last semester, and the third lives off campus. Okay, so maybe living off campus isn't really a valid reason not to see a person, but we just haven't found a schedule that works. I also spent three and a half years having weekly dinner dates with my friend from high school who also came here for school. She too graduated a semester early.

To top it all off, my three best friends from my major are in neither of my two accounting courses this semester. I didn't realize how awful this would be, because it turns out a lot of our hanging out was during or right before/after class. Seriously. I finally ran into one of them on campus the other day, and I realized I hadn't actually talked to her since break.

So basically, I've spent all my time either alone or with The Boy. It's difficult to make plans with people, especially since I'm still having all my fun stomach issues. The easiest way to meet up with people is to grab a meal together, and that is a situation that sometimes goes badly quickly for me.

I'm hoping to reach out to my friends and hoping to feel better as well, so that I don't spend this entire semester holed up in my room or only with The Boy.

happy turkey day!

Oh. Hi.

My geeky boyfriend (trust me, it's endearing) has me up at 5am scouring the internetz for low prices for a new digital camera. I'm stuck between two, and the fun! part is that the one that's more expensive (by $50 or so) is a tad crappier, but skinnier. So basically I'm paying a good chunk of change for less function and a smaller size. Bahhh. This is tough.

Of course, aforementioned boyfriend drove me insane today for reasons I can't go into, and is telling me to buy the camera I want and offering to pay the difference. Thing is, we already agreed no Christmas gifts because we're going to NYC over break and the money we'd have spent on gifts is going toward things to do there. So yeah.

Anyway! I'll be getting only four hours of sleep tonight, it seems. No, I don't need to be up to cook or clean... I need to watch the parade, damnit! I think my favorite part has to be that huuuuuge group of people that get to wear the matching colored sweatshirts and white gloves and pants, and do an awesome dance. Wheeee!

...right. I probably should've planned to get more than four hours of sleep.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody! Hope you enjoy your day - eat lots of food and let the tryptophan lull you to sleep. Mmmm, sleep. My favorite. But not before I eat pumpkin pie. Mmmm, pie.

trying not to go crazy.

Oh. Right. I have a blog.

School is kicking my ass. I'm really trying to put up a good fight but it's tough stuff. I've got so many projects, tests and assignments coming up that it's taking all of my willpower not to freak the hell out. On top of that, I have to meet with my adviser about my GPA (again), ask permission to take a fifth course at the same meeting (I'm already doing miserably.. can you let me take MORE COURSES?!), schedule my final semester (!!!), and maintain correspondence with the outside world.

Needless to say, my life is a mess right now. This weekend is the first in a series where I will probably be locked in my room forcing myself to study. I had fall break this past weekend, which meant also getting Monday and Tuesday off. Did I do any work? Nope. Nada. Zip. ZILCH.

It's triggering arguments with The Boy, too. Why? Well, mainly because he'll point out that Grey's Anatomy should not be a higher priority than studying. Should it be? Of course not. But it's only an hour, and that's an hour I can make up over the weekend. Regardless, he seems not to realize (and this is as much my fault as his) that spending time with him takes up a lot more time than taking an hour out of my day to watch TV. For example, instead of staying home an extra night this past weekend to extend my fall break (which would have given me Tuesday night to get some studying done), I chose to come back because he really wanted me to. Don't get me wrong - I wanted to come back, too. But I'm a weak person who's bad at saying no and/or setting myself straight on my priorities, so even though I knew I could be productive at home Tuesday night, I said screw it and went back to school. Needless to say, I still have barely cracked open a book. So for him to be criticizing how I utilize my time when any time spent with him is only minimally productive? Kind of annoying.

This semester is really challenging me and so far, it's winning. But I'm not done yet. I'm putting up the best fight I can, so we'll see if it all works out in December.

there's no place like home.

Hi blogosphere. I skipped class today. Le sigh.

I absolutely could not fall asleep last night. The last time I remember seeing on the clock was 6:30am. I don't remember waking up very vividly - I had set alarms for 9, 9:15 and 9:30am, and don't really recall any of them going off. What I do remember is having the phone in my hand while I was in bed, looking at it in a confused manner when it rang (it was my friend who has class with me), and realizing that it was too late for me to get up and put in the effort of rushing to class.

So I skipped. And felt awful. Skipping class is a very bad habit that I had, for the most part, conquered this semester. I felt ridiculously guilty considering I wasn't deathly ill and there was no emergency. My sleep schedule had just gotten so out of control that I was going to get through the day on two hours of sleep. However, I justified it by saying that I would be on only two hours. Not five or six, or even four. Two. So I excused myself a little bit, considering my health ranks higher on my priority list than my schoolwork.

I ended up sleeping through my second class of the day, although that really has no consequence because attendance isn't really necessary. Still, I woke up in a really terrible mood. Within the first five minutes of being awake, I called my mom and told her I was gonna come home. I made up some excuses - about having things to do at home, wanting to visit but not wanting to waste a whole weekend - but really? I was really craving the comfort and calmness of home.

My schedule is getting to me. I wake up after five hours of sleep, go to class, eat lunch, nap until the next class, go to that class, eat dinner, bum around, then go to The Boy's room for homework. We always get distracted when we're together, so homework takes forever. I get done around two, but don't get in bed until three by the time I go back to my room, shower, check e-mail, etc. I haven't seen Natalie in more than a week. I haven't watched any of my TV shows except for Grey's. I've gotten in to a rut. Not that I don't enjoy seeing The Boy every day, because I really do - but I'm doing the same exact thing day in and day out, and I'm getting a little tired of it.

Fall break can't get here fast enough. I need a chance to take a huge breather, get caught up on sleep and work, and start fresh the next week. That's kinda what I'm trying to do here.. kind of a subconscious reason for coming home. Let's hope it works and lasts for the next week and a half.

we are just breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

Thank you times infinity (plus one!) to all the people who commented my last two super-vague blog entries.

Basically last week went a little like this - The Boy didn't do as well on the MCATs as he'd have liked (not bad, but not great, either), and therefore fell apart for a few days back there. Much of last week was spent putting him back together and holding him there, including an almost-all-nighter so that I could redirect his frustration over a presentation due Thursday morning that took about six hours.

The breakdown I had myself (the previous entry) was in the wee hours of Friday morning, after a pretty normal Thursday night. I was all, yay, progress! But then I got a barrage of IMs around three proclaiming he was a failure and refusing to see his friends (who are already in med school) on Friday because he was embarrassed. At that point, I was exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally - I couldn't stop crying. I sniffled on the phone with him as I told him over and over that he wasn't stupid, that he was far from it, and reassuring him that seeing his friends would be a really good thing for him. I hung up the phone and just flat-out bawled for a good ten minutes. It was a really good cry - you know, those ones where you've been holding everything back and then BAM. It's all out there.

But many deep breaths, an initially-bumpy-but-overall-successful night visiting friends on Friday, and many hours of sleep later, we're okay. We made it to the other side. Of course, in the wake of last week is me playing catch-up with schoolwork, but I'm managing. Also, of lesser importance, my Google Reader exploded on me and I gave up with trying to get on top of that. I read my faves, took a deep breath before hitting the dreaded "Mark All as Read" button, and had a moment of silence for all the awesome entries that went unread.

Ah well. So is life.

[Title cred: Ingrid Michaelson, Breakable]

it's just those rainy days

This morning was awful. I was exhausted and it was cloudy and gloomy out, the perfect recipe for skipping class and staying in bed. But as New Cait, I hauled my under-rested body out of bed and went on my way.

On the walk to class I realized I was in a crappy mood for no reason, other than probably the culmination of the tiredness, the interesting convo with The Boy last night, and the poor weather. I was ragging on The Boy, bitching about class not being canceled (because I think cloudy/rainy days should be just as much reason for cancellation as snow days), and just being cranky.

We got out of class relatively early, something that made me happier. Lunch was a riot - who knew making fun of contemplating the complexities of OCD could be so hilarious*? And after all my complaining about The Boy (particularly how he wants to spend more time with me even though I spend 5+ hours with him every night), he was at the student center eating lunch too, came over to say hi, and it made me happy. I guess that's a good thing, right?

Anyway, I'm still exhausted and in dire need of a power nap before my class at two, which is a joke. Attendance isn't mandatory and he ONLY teaches from the slides (that he creates) which are then posted online. Basically that means I'm very tempted not to go. But! As New Cait, instead of telling myself it would be okay to miss it, I'm just going to tell myself I can go to class in my post-nap daze and it won't matter! Sweet.

__________
* I understand OCD is a serious issue and shouldn't be mocked. I have mild OCD tendencies about my body, like my awful nail-biting habit. But in discussing it, it becomes pretty comical and it's hard not to laugh.

have fun trying to top *NYSNC, jonas brothers

So here's an example of how little taste I have - I was about to record the MTV VMAs over my still unwatched recording of the Olympic opening ceremonies. Except then I remembered that MTV will play the VMAs ad nauseam. This turns out to be a good thing, because I completely forgot they were on tonight and promised to let The Boy cook me dinner have dinner and hang out with The Boy tonight. But I need to see them. I crave the train-wreck-ness that is the VMAs.

They used to be good. Really good. Interesting things happened. Like when Lil' Kim showed up in this ensemble. AND DIANA ROSS TOUCHED IT. Or when that one guy climbed up onto the set which definitely wasn't meant for that. And of course, who can forget the jaw-droppingly, blow-your-mind performances?

I have always been and will probably always be a shallow, pop-music-loving girl. This means that I was a huge fan of all things *NSYNC and Britney Spears. Therefore, I would remain glued to the television on VMA night waiting for the moment they'd show up on stage. And rarely was I disappointed.

Here's my favorite *NSYNC performance, from 2000.


LOVELOVELOVE. I'm pretty sure that year I watched MTV every day to watch repeats and watch that performance over and over.

And my favorite Britney performance, also from 2000.


I remember watching this and thinking, I WANNA DO THAT. I don't care about the controversy, about how she lip synchs, blah blah blah. The girl's got dancing talent and I LOVE IT. (And actually? She's singing in the beginning, bitches. Take THAT.)

I'm not a huge Britney fan, but I do feel that she's gets way too much criticism. I'm glad that she's doing better now, that everything seems to have calmed down for her. Watching her "comeback" performance last year made me feel very, very sorry for her. I hope that whatever she's scheduled to do on this year's show goes a thousand times better than last year. I miss the old Britney!

Now I'm off to see The Boy. He's lucky he doesn't have a TV, or else I would probably insist on watching tonight. I'm such a whore for TV.

run down

I just typed "blooger.com" into my address bar instead of "blogger.com." I'M TIRED. And apparently very sick, too. Why don't I seem phased by that? Well.. I don't feel particularly ill, except for my awful sore throat. It started bothering me on Tuesday night but hasn't really worsened day by day. Otherwise, I'm fine and dandy for a girl who's staying up until 4am doing homework for a class at 10am the same day. Seriously though? My throat looks really, really scary. There are red spots on the roof of my mouth and some sort of sores on my tonsils... blechhh. I really hope it's just strep so I can get some meds and be on my way to feeling better.

School is trying to kick my ass, but I'm fighting back hard. It's not uncommon when The Boy and I study together to hear ME telling HIM to focus. Crazy, right?! I don't know what's come over me. I'm actually reading. And learning. And answering problems.. CORRECTLY! It's doing wonderful things for my ego, but unfortunately I haven't gotten the time management down yet. Like how I still have another problem to tackle for my class at 10am today. Which is in seven hours. And I have to sleep.

I'm hoping to fall more gracefully into my school schedule now that there are no more three-day weekends to fill with activities and throw off my sleeping. Labor Day was absolutely fantastic, as I spent most of the weekend dancing, eating, or sleeping. Friday was a trip to the mall with Lynds, where I bought a cute Going Out to Tha' Club dress and a top that we both picked out to try on without consulting each other. I'm convinced we're the same person.

Saturday was a block party at Lynds's shore house, where I was tempted to get my drink on but couldn't because I was driving two hours home at the end of the night. Boo. Because they totally had Jell-O shots around eight. BOO I SAY. I had a ton of fun anyway - the theme was Christimas so Lynds, her friend Erin, and I were all walking around together in matching red-and-white outfits (unintentionally, I swear). Everyone is so friendly down there. I went down earlier this summer and was the palest girl on the beach, so when I was at the party, one of the neighbors kept referring to me as Sunburn Girl. BAHAHA I love it. Anyway, I danced the night away, sweating from every pore because the party was outside in the humidity. I totally did not care - I was dancing so hard.. sort of as a last hurrah to what was probably one of the best (if not THE best) summers of my life.

The rest of the weekend was uneventful. I slept. A lot. And yet I guess not enough seeing as my throat is rebelling against me.

This week has been tiresome and it went by super fast. I can't believe it's Friday already, but I am so glad it's the weekend. Now I can actually catch up and, oh my goodness, maybe even get ahead in my schoolwork! And sleep a lot. Can't forget the sleeping. Mmm, my favorite.

excitement

This past week has been a total blur. I was reunited with all my college friends, started classes, got settled in my dorm, and did more hanging out than work. I can't help that, though - both of my classes on Thursday were canceled, and since they meet on Mondays and Thursdays, I haven't had either of those classes yet.

I suppose I should also mention that I spent probably more time with The Boy than was necessary, but hey - we only saw each other four times over the summer. We had some, erm, catching up do to. A-heh. Actually, in all seriousness, we decided that until The Big Elephant Issue was resolved, there would be very limited physical activity. And guess what? The Big Elephant Issue? IT HAS BEEN [mostly] RESOLVED. Basically? I need to learn to suck it up and say what I feel instead of holding it in until I'm 99.9% sure of what I want to say.

So.. that's pretty exciting. (Understatement of the year.)

***

I don't feel like recapping my Labor Day Weekend halfway through, so since I was tagged by my lovely Meloogal, I will now disclose seven random facts about myself.

#1. I have never been on an airplane. Ever. Unless you count the time I was a fetus in my mama's belly and she flew to Ireland. Other than that, I've never even been in an airport. To be honest, I'm dreading the first time I'll have to fly because it's becoming more and more likely that I'll be flying on my own, which scares the crap out of me even more. It doesn't help that I have motion sickness which is amplified by mild claustrophobic tendencies.

#2. I [heart] video games. I guess it's because I have a younger brother, but we have a bunch of different systems and a ton of games to go with each. As a pre-teen, any spending money I got was immediately put towards trips to Best Buy to get the newest games. Sometimes I feel like a dork for admitting this, but then I realized that guys love chicks who play video games. BOOYAH.

#3. Up until two months ago, I had never been kissed. And up until this past summer, I'd never had a boyfriend, either. It was a struggle to be twenty-one and have no experience, not only because I felt like nobody would ever like me, but also because I would panic about that lack of experience as each year passed. But now that it all happened, I feel like I was really worrying too much about it.

#4. I once had a pet hamster. I believe I got her when I was fourteen and she lived for about three years. I tend to forget that I had her, but I loved her very much. Hamsters fall second on my list of preferred pets, with cats ranking first.

#5. I can't deal with my clothes being disorganized in either my closet or my bureaus. I just recently got over the need to fold my underwear and have it neatly lined up in my drawer. Yeah, I know. However, my closet remains organized in color order and my other clothes are folded in specific ways in my drawers.

#6. My favorite kind of ice cream from a parlour is soft-serve vanilla with any of the following toppings: chocolate chips, chocolate sprinkles, or Oreo cookie pieces (or if they have it, any kind of crumbled candy bar pieces). It's my go-to ice cream when I don't really like any of the other available options.

#7. I am ridiculously obsessed with anything holiday-themed. Decorations, candy, food - you name it, I want a part of it. Just ask my townhouse roommates from last year. I decorated - when possible - for every holiday, and bought related candy items when I had money. If I can afford it and I have time, I will probably be "one of those people" who seasonally changes the decorations in my house.

Argh. I suppose now I have to actually tag people. Um.. can I be a lazy bum and just go with the standard "if you want to do this, go ahead" line? Great, thanks.

already?!

It really can't be a good thing that on the second day of my Kicking Ass and Taking Names senior year, I'm freaking out. Could this possibly attributed to lack of sleep? Yes. I slept over* The Boy's room last night and PS, extra-long twin dorm beds do not comfortably fit two people. Especially those of us with ridiculously long legs.

Anyway. The Big Elephant-in-the-Room Issue between he and I is rearing it's head and it has the potential of knocking me off my path to success. I'm sitting here, my classwork to-do list staring me in the face, and all I want to do is curl up and sleep forever, because all I can think about is The Issue. Grahhhh.

I'm trying to let it go, to take some deep breaths and not let the lack-of-sleep-induced stress take over. Maybe a tiny power nap is in order.

_______
* Don't get any ideas, readers. Sleeping over means sleeping. Or at least attempting to sleep. Just wanted to clarify because neither I nor The Boy want anybody to misunderstand or get the wrong idea.

summertime

This summer has treated me very nicely, despite a few bumps in the road concerning The Boy. But even that got sorted out this weekend, leaving me with a good two weeks left to enjoy and wind down.

Earlier this summer I expected to have found an internship or at least a more full-time job. I found neither and ended up being very grateful for that. I think subconsciously I needed this summer to be completely relaxed and enjoyable, since it was my "last" summer. After this school year, I will hopefully be working full time at an accounting firm somewhere (fingers crossed).

In exactly two weeks I go back to school. It seems like the summer has flown by, because it has. I did so many fun things and had so many new experiences that I can't even begin to recount all of them. Of course, many were cataloged here in this blog, which is one of my main reasons for blogging. I love to go back on a stressful night during the school year, or even a laid-back afternoon in the summer, and read all my old blog entires.

As I mentioned above, The Boy and I have worked things out completely now. We both realized what everyone around us probably knew - that starting and maintaining a relationship knowing full well it would be semi-long-distance was an awful idea. On top of that, he's now realized that the intense stress he was under regarding MCATs was spilling over more than once into the relationship. So here's where we stand now: we're calling it "friends with interest," which basically means taking it back to friendship until we get to spend more time together in person back at school. Then we'll see where it goes from there. And honestly? For the first time since all the issues started popping up between us, I feel unbelievably relieved.

These next two weeks are probably going to fly by just as quickly as the rest of the summer, so I'm going to milk them for every enjoyable moment that I can.

it's monday?

Yup. It's Monday. I guess I knew that, but it really doesn't feel like a Monday. It's probably because it's summer and I don't have a full-time job (don't be too jealous - I'm pretty broke). So to me, it's just any other day.

Anyway.

Random things making me smile at the moment:

• A wake-up call from The Boy. We've come to the conclusion that we definitely don't act like people who are "on a break" from their relationship. I could definitely get used to using him as an alarm clock, especially since I can't snooze him as easily as my radio. Heh.
• Jamie's puppy video! Nevermind that her pup is the cutest thing ever, but add a hose and a baby pool? Super prosh!
• THIS CUPCAKE. Ouuu, pretty colors. I want.
  
• There's only one month left until school. I'm actually excited to go back (for the second year in a row!), mainly because this time around, it means more time with The Boy. But I can't wait to be back on campus and have easy access to all my friends. Plus, I'm [trying to] get psyched about all the effort I'm going to put in this year. Since I kinda slacked off didn't do my best the past two-ish years, I'm really going to step it up this year. I'm pulling that GPA out of the toilet if it's the last thing I do!!

So what's making you smile this Monday? I'm sure you can think of something.

lack of motivation

Let's being by stating the obvious: I am not a motivated person.

I don't really know where this bad habit of procrastination began, but it is a huge struggle for me to get things done that I don't want to get done. It's more complex than simply putting off work, but I'm having a difficult time peeling off all the layers and getting to the core issue.

One aspect is that I like to be easily defined and I like attention. In my group of friends, I'm the one who's playfully picked on for skipping classes, sleeping too much, and never studying. Yes, it's attention for the wrong things, but it's attention nonetheless. I don't know if that's uncommon, but I do know it's damn hard to stop. If I start doing my work and going to class, I lose that.. defining characteristic, I guess, that I've created for myself.

I've gone back and forth trying to decide if I'm afraid, either of success or failure. I've always concluded that I can't be afraid of failure, because I've failed many, many times. Although, perhaps I'm not afraid of actual failure, but of failure to meet my unrealistic and perfectionist goals. At times, I was intrigued with the idea of being afraid of success, but I don't believe that's it.

I just got done reading The Boy's essay for his med school applications, and holy cheese and crackers, I am speechless. I mean, since I met him, I knew that he had a passion for medicine - he told me he's wanted to be a doctor since he was eight years old. He's been saving money for med school since then, went to a pre-med high school, and worked as an EMT. So yeah, I know it's what he wants to do. But reading the essay just amplified that passion by one million. It really opened my eyes to how he feels about all this, how determined he is.

My next feeling? One of envy. Not a negative envy; a weird, awe-filled envy. I told him this, too. I told him I wished that I had been lucky enough to know exactly what I want to do with my life and had the motivation to work towards that goal. At first I felt this aspect of his life was intimidating, but now I just admire him for it. Unfortunately for me, though, without a goal, there is no motivation. Accounting was a decision made when I asked myself, well, what else am I going to do? My parents suggested it, I figured I was good at math, and here we stand. I won't say I hate accounting, because I honestly don't. It's just not exactly what I want.

What do I want? Things I can't have. I would have loved to study dance, to become a professional dancer. If I had realized my passion when I was younger, I could have really pursued a career as a dancer. I also yearn to be a wedding/party planner, but my personality isn't fit for that job. I am fearful of phone calls and hate confrontation, so I would lack the putting-my-foot-down attitude that's needed to succeed in that arena.

I'm stuck in this lukewarm state, not passionate enough towards my current career choice and facing too many odds towards my dream jobs. Wonderful.