My Sleep Habits.

My sleeping habits are something I don’t discuss with most people. I used to, but then I got one too many judgmental reactions, so I stopped. It’s been on my mind a lot because I’m slipping back towards an abnormal schedule again, and I hate myself for it.

The summer between sophomore and junior year was when I developed the problem of staying up later and sleeping in later. I’d be going to bed at three or four in the morning and sleeping past noon. There were days where I could ‘fix’ my schedule by pulling an all-nighter and going to bed by 7pm. This would ensure 12+ hours of sleep, waking up at a decent hour, and feeling well-rested.

I continued that pattern until I graduated college – getting by during the semester because of obligations and surviving the summer with my all-nighter fixes. Once I graduated, everything got so much worse.

I had a lot on my shoulders. My health issues were new, my relationship was shaky, I hadn’t found a job, and now I was away from the comforts of college and seeing my friends all the time. It was a combination of anxiety and likely a small helping of depression that led to the complete destruction of my sleeping schedule.

There was a point in time where I was staying up until eight or nine in the morning, then sleeping all day long, until nine or even ten at night. There were nights I relied on my tried-and-true all-nighter fix, only to find myself sleeping for a ridiculous amount of time, usually into the following afternoon (meaning about 18 hours). It became a pattern because I wasn’t exactly happy to be waking up at 9pm; the disappointment and shame I felt only propelled the urge to sleep all day.

I’ve slowly been able to fix that problem; it hasn’t been that bad in a while. Still, I find myself staying up late and being unable to get out of bed in the morning. My body craves 12 hours of sleep. There’s no motivation to wake up at a decent hour because if I do, I have more hours in the day to realize how much of a failure I am. When I sleep in until 2pm, by the time I fully wake up and get ready for the day, it’s nearly dinnertime and there’s a lot less self-criticism at night.

But I can’t deny that I feel terrible. It helps me avoid the harsh reality that I’m failing at life by not having a job, but then I feel ashamed that I’m wasting my life away. I can’t win either way and it’s frustrating.

I’m keeping the comments closed on this one because I don’t want sympathy or words of advice. Everyone in my life already says “just get up early,” “set an alarm and force yourself to get up,” “make your job search your job.” None of these helps or motivates me; instead, I feel worse because those things don’t come easily to me. If you feel compelled to say something on this topic, feel free to e-mail me.

and then this happened.

Super Serious, Day 1 (Wednesday).

Breakfast (7:45am) - 1 full egg & 2 egg whites scrambled with shredded cheese; 1 slice rye bread with Smart Balance butter; 1 glass of Gatorade with fiber supplement.
Morning snacks - chocolate chunk granola bar; leftover grilled chicken
Lunch (1pm) - Smart Ones frozen meal
Afternoon snacks - 2 vanilla sandwich cookies; 2 Almond Joys; 1/2 bowl of Kix; rice crackers; Ranch-flavored Wheat Thins

... and then I passed out at 8pm without eating dinner. Oops.

Exercise - 10 minutes of Wii Sports; 1 hour of raking leaves

~

Ladies and gentlemen, if you'll notice, there is no update from today for my Super Serious plan. Why? Because I slept for twenty-four hours. Take a moment, let that sink in.

I fell asleep at 8pm last night and, aside from waking up around 9:30 with horrible stomach cramps, slept through until 8pm tonight. Sleeping for that long, although wonderful when it's happening, is bad news. Bad, bad news. I finally got out of bed and nearly toppled over. It doesn't really help that I seem to be developing a cold in the midst of this, but everything felt very off. I barely had the energy to make myself breakfast (yes, breakfast at 8pm).

I was hesitant to share this because I'm not really proud of it. My sleeping habits, while constantly the source of jokes amongst my group of college friends, aren't really funny anymore. But I figured a twenty-four hour sleeping binge was an exception, because even I'm still going... wait, WTF?!

Anyway, despite my usual nature to abandon a plan once I fail, I'm sticking to Project Super Serious. Here's hoping tomorrow will go a little smoother!

tell me this isn't weird.

I am absolutely out of my mind.

Why?

I just pulled an all-nighter.

See, this is my "method" of getting on a regular sleeping schedule. I'm embarrassed to admit how late I've been sleeping (it's only been really bad the past two days), but it's fairly late. So, if I stay up all night, I am absolutely exhausted the following night. My head usually hits the pillow around seven, and that's even stretching it. This ensures that, even if I sleep for ridiculous amounts of time (I'm talkin' 12+ hours here), that leaves me at seven, eight, or nine in the morning. Perfect!

...

Isn't that the craziest thing you've ever heard of?! Yeah. We're weird, and I say "we" because my brother does this too. But it works! It's a kind of last resort, but it does work.

I do have trouble spots, however, like ... right about now. I think it's because my body's finally realizing, hey wait a minute, you didn't sleep! I get really punch-drunk too and annoy the crap out of my parents. It also gets really, really hard not to succumb to a mid-afternoon nap, because that turns into flat-out SLEEPING. Basically, the idea is to keep myself occupied throughout the day and not letting myself crash until at least seven. Maaaybe six, if I'm having a rough time of it.

So that's my crazy confession for the day. But now I want you to tell me...

Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? And why?

Maybe I'll be surprised and find out someone else does this. But I seriously doubt that. Oh, and for the record, I have pulled all-nighters for traditional things, like girl talk and writing papers due the next day.

it's just those rainy days

This morning was awful. I was exhausted and it was cloudy and gloomy out, the perfect recipe for skipping class and staying in bed. But as New Cait, I hauled my under-rested body out of bed and went on my way.

On the walk to class I realized I was in a crappy mood for no reason, other than probably the culmination of the tiredness, the interesting convo with The Boy last night, and the poor weather. I was ragging on The Boy, bitching about class not being canceled (because I think cloudy/rainy days should be just as much reason for cancellation as snow days), and just being cranky.

We got out of class relatively early, something that made me happier. Lunch was a riot - who knew making fun of contemplating the complexities of OCD could be so hilarious*? And after all my complaining about The Boy (particularly how he wants to spend more time with me even though I spend 5+ hours with him every night), he was at the student center eating lunch too, came over to say hi, and it made me happy. I guess that's a good thing, right?

Anyway, I'm still exhausted and in dire need of a power nap before my class at two, which is a joke. Attendance isn't mandatory and he ONLY teaches from the slides (that he creates) which are then posted online. Basically that means I'm very tempted not to go. But! As New Cait, instead of telling myself it would be okay to miss it, I'm just going to tell myself I can go to class in my post-nap daze and it won't matter! Sweet.

__________
* I understand OCD is a serious issue and shouldn't be mocked. I have mild OCD tendencies about my body, like my awful nail-biting habit. But in discussing it, it becomes pretty comical and it's hard not to laugh.

worrywart

To start, I'd like to thank everyone for the input I've gotten so far about how to get my hair cut. I think I might actually step a little further out of my comfort zone (the first baby step having been getting it cut short last year) and go with layers. Stay tuned!

*

Can somebody tell me when my sleep schedule went completely down the crapper all over again? A month ago, I had everything under control - actually getting sleepy by one in the morning and waking up before noon every day. Now? I'm nocturnal again. Seriously. It's 9am. I haven't slept yet.

Now I'm getting worried because I've got just over two weeks left until school. Considering this is the year that I'm hoping to eventually dub The Year I Kicked Major Academic Ass, I really need to get back to sleeping like a normal human being.

Of course, on top of having trouble falling asleep, my brain decided it was time to list all of the challenging, complicated aspects of the upcoming year. I just love. it. when that happens. It puts me in my "oh shit!" mode. Here's why: I'm considering getting a job this semester, because I need the money. So first I start wondering if I should work on campus or off, then move to worrying about obtaining either kind of job. Then I realize, hey genius, what happened to studying HARD this semester? Oh. Right. It's probably not smart to expect myself to be able juggle a job with my new-found work ethic (especially since, well, it hasn't actually been "found" yet). AND THEN. I remember that I need to check up on the resume I uploaded to the school-run job search engine, which is being reviewed by someone in the office. The issue there? My GPA isn't listed because it's completely embarrassing and would probably be laughed at by corporate recruiters. Of course, the person sitting in the office doesn't know that - she'll just casually note, "please list GPA." If it were only that easy...

I really just wanted to go to sleep. Is that so much to ask?

*

To put me in a better mood, let me mention that tonight I'm going to my Very First Concert. Yes, first. Yes, I'm twenty-one. Moving on. I'm going to see Counting Crows (who are good, but not who I really care about), Maroon 5 (hellooooo, Adam Levine.. yum), and Sara Bareilles!! I'm majorly excited about her and Maroon 5 - both of their latest albums are just amazing. What's more exciting is that I get to see a whole mess of people who are also going, including one of my roommates, one of my accounting major friends, and the whole "lifer" gang from dance. It's going to be a blast, even though it's supposed to rain. We've all got lawn seats so we're pretty screwed, but I'm sure it will be fun anyhow.