Changing My Story: My Job

One of the biggest struggles I’ve had in my post-grad life has been surrounding the topic of my job and career. I didn’t get a full-time job until I was three years out of college; I should specify that I also didn’t pursue much in those three years. A large part of it had to do with newly-diagnosed health issues and anxiety surrounding those issues, but I was also completely directionless.

I was left paralyzed by the career choices (or, lack thereof) presented to me in college. I studied accounting and, at my college, that meant getting on the track to get your CPA (Certified Public Accountant) certification, work in public accounting for a number of years, and then settle into a private company if you so decided. If there were other options, I wasn't well enough informed about them, and the discomfort kept creeping up around me.

The worst part was deciding internally that I didn’t have the drive or the interest in studying for and completing my CPA certification, which is a five-part, extremely difficult exam. As everyone prepped to take these exams just after college - when the information was still fresh and before they changed the methodology of accounting - I learned to keep quiet and under the radar, lest anyone find out that, no, I wasn’t planning to do the one thing that seemed integral to everyone else’s career track.

Because I didn’t want my certification - and because my grades slipped as I grew anxious and disinterested by the field of accounting - none of the companies who did on-campus interviews were interested in me. Mainly, they were public accounting firms, so I knew I was out automatically because my certification wasn’t forthcoming. That added to my stress, obviously. Disinterest + lack of options + rejection from the few places I interviewed = feeling pretty shitty about my career outlook.

Once I graduated, I stalled. Plain and simple. And it lasted three full years.

I finally got a job in April of 2012. It’s the job I still have now, which means I’ve been there for just under four years. From the moment I got the job until now, my family disapproved. Why? For dozens of reasons, but mostly because I’m not living up to my potential (and oh, how I have learned to LOATHE that phrase). I had already accepted that I had fallen far from the student I was in elementary, middle, and high school - and that my family was already disappointed by that. But after I finally graduated college with a sad-but-manageable GPA and a diploma, and after I finally got a job, it still wasn’t enough.

(Side note: that's also the major reason I wanted to needed to move out from my parents' house.)

So that’s the story I absorbed into my core: I had a job, but it wasn’t good enough.

That’s the story I told anyone and everyone. I answered the question, “so what do you do?” with the canned storyline of having a job, but needing to leave ASAP because of [insert logical reason - more money, better opportunities, etc. - here]. I told this not only to new acquaintances, but also repetitively to my friends and family members whenever I saw them. Nobody ends up in accounts payable and stays there; this was temporary, a stepping stone. It became the truth in my head.

Except, it’s not the truth. And slowly, I was starting to draw away from conversation about my career because I was stressed and ashamed. When I would see someone for the third or fourth time in the span of the year, I knew I was presenting the same storyline over and over, never making any progress. It felt so, so shitty. I would come away from hangouts with friends and holidays with family members with an emotional hangover, because I felt like the biggest failure compared to anyone else I knew.

There are parts of that canned story that are correct. All of the “reasons” for finding a new job are legitimate. However, I am comfortable there. It’s a small office, we have very few (if any) meetings, and my bosses are flexible. These factors benefit me right now with my health issues the way they are. The money is not good, but it’s not bad, and I can cover the living expenses that I share with Erik.

Understanding the source of my resistance has helped me lift this weight off of my shoulders. I keep trying to focus on all the things - finding a "legitimate" new job, researching how to start moving towards my dream profession/career, working on my physical and mental health - but with all of them demanding my attention, I was choosing none. This year is about me. My theme for 2016 is "nourish" and, abiding by that, finding a new job is not a priority. Maybe it's in the cards without me knowing it, but it's not my main focus.

This is my first real step in listening to my mind and my heart. It isn't glamorous. It doesn't subscribe to the whole comfort vs. change argument that insists that you should always! be! changing!, or else you're living some horrible, stagnant life. (Yes, this is how I interpret those messages sometimes, when I'm feeling extra snarky). But it's necessary, just based on how much relief I feel since admitting that I've been lying to myself. And that's all that really matters.

Living at Home.

Sometimes, my friends tell me all of the reasons I should be happy I'm still living at home. Mainly, that I'm saving money and that trumps everything else. Except it doesn't.

A few weeks ago, I decided I was going to take a seasonal retail job at the mall where one of Erik's friends works. My part-time job is ending as soon as I finish this last set of work and I haven't had much luck starting my hunt for a new full-time job. It seemed like a good transition from one part-time source of income into another.

I was happy with my decision and thought I was being smart. Yes, I might be a little better off job searching "full-time" after my 9-to-5 and making sure I snag a new job, but I figured I could pick up some extra cash for a few months while also pursuing that goal.

Well, tonight I discussed it at family dinner, because on Thursdays my brother comes home to visit. My brother immediately bashed my entire decision, saying that working in this particular store is degrading and stupid and not worth the money. My dad chimed in about how I have to take this job seriously and actually show up because I know the person who hired me. My mom - who already knew - stayed silent, which is her way of saying she doesn't think it's a good idea but she knows a lot better than to voice that opinion.

This is why I can't stay at home anymore. My family means well, I understand. They know I'm intelligent and can do great things, so they struggle when I'm not meeting their "successful life" expectations. I've had some hiccups in my life thus far and am trying to navigate them the best that I can. Instead of support, I receive negativity, lack of confidence, and silence.

Sometimes I wonder if they'll ever be happy. Not because I want to make them happy, but because I'm curious, as it seems impossible to please them. Even if I was doing what they think is best, there would just be something else that would come into focus as something I was doing wrong.

Being here and being criticized is not worth it. I would much rather "throw my money away" on an apartment to live with Erik who literally has never breathed a single negative word about anything I've decided to do or not do. My peace of mind is far more important than any amount of money I would save.

Real Feelings on Work.

Sundays are the worst.

Monday mornings are a close second. The alarm goes off and I really want to hit snooze five more times. I already sleep as late as possible - up until a half-hour before I have to leave - and I still want more. But once I'm up and going, it's fine.

The drive isn't terrible, though I could do without the bathroom stops considering it's only a half-hour commute. As soon as I step into the office and settle in, I get through my day. Morning reports, finishing up yesterday's mail, filing papers. Suddenly it's lunch time, the mail comes in for the day, and I code and enter everything. I count the hours until 5:30.

But after a weekend of sleeping late, spending time with friends and Erik, and having a reprieve from my schedule, the hours go too quickly on Sunday night. As I clean up my room and get into bed, I get a mean case of the sads.

I've cried (only the tiniest bit) every Sunday night just at the thought of having to make it through another week. Mostly I mourn the freedom I had. That was always going to be the hardest part for me. Even if I loved my job, I would crave shorter hours and more time to relax. (Doesn't everyone?) It hits me really hard and I don't know how to overcome it.

Work itself is fine; it's the schedule I hate. Having to get in bed at 10pm. Waking up at 7:30 and still feeling exhausted. Feeling sick every morning on the way to work. Working for most of the eight hours I'm at work. Rush hour traffic.

It's as if I'm not cut out for the 9-to-5 grind. Would it be better if it was something I loved doing? If my office was closer to my house? If I could work different hours, still totaling 40 hours per week? I don't know.

That's what's difficult. I dislike it so much, but I don't really have a choice.

My New Job.

So, about that new job I got and never talked about...

I'm currently working for a small company that owns fast food franchises in the accounts payable department. Mostly, I do the accounting for all the bills that come in, which is a lot. Imagine things like gas, water, electricity, food supplies, cleaning supplies, machine maintenance, and a whole bunch of other bills ... and multiply it by 50. Yup, we have roughly 50 restaurants. It adds up.

I knew when I accepted the position that throwing myself straight into a 9-to5:30 situation was going to be rough. My only experience in an office setting was a three-month internship in the summer of 2007 and even then, I ended up having one day off almost every week. But my life had come down to this:  I was standing at a crossroads and couldn't decide which way to turn. The three main choices were to work on my anxiety issues, work on my health issues, or get a job. Obviously I went with the last choice.

I'll be honest, my first week was awful. I was crying myself to sleep every night because I hated being so tired and having no reprieve. I was having a crisis about my freedom being gone; from this point forward, I'm going to be "stuck" working full-time, every day, for a long time. It was scary. On top of that, they really weren't kidding when they said I would have a high volume of work. There were piles of papers messily stacked on my desk by Tuesday.

On Thursday of that first week, I had a meltdown of epic proportions. It was the worst day so far because I spent all day matching checks to invoices and my boss seemed slightly annoyed that I hadn't worked faster (I finished exactly at 5:30). Erik and I had plans to meet up at a local bar to watch the Rangers game, but since we arrived ten minutes before the game started, the place was packed. The disappointment was the last straw, but I stupidly figured if I went in, I'd feel better.

A few misunderstandings later, I stormed out in tears and ended up in my car with Erik, sobbing. The day - and the week - had broken me down. It was terrible. I rarely let myself reach a breaking point, especially in front of other people, but I couldn't stop myself.

This week has been better, but I'm still not 100% happy here. Last week, I toyed daily with the idea of quitting. This week has felt more normal and I don't feel like quitting; still, looking towards the future scares me. I can't imagine sticking with this for a year or longer. But what I've learned is that, for right now, I have to take it a day at a time. That makes it much more manageable.

stuck.

I keep trying to come up with fun and exciting things to write about, but then I realize that my life is pretty mundane at the moment. To top that off, I have this unwavering feeling of being completely lost right now.

Throughout college, I've struggled with what I want to do. I stuck with accounting somewhat unwillingly, because I was told time and again that it is a useful major and can lead me to several job opportunities. It's difficult, however, because my school just assumed that all accounting majors are going to work for public firms and eventually earn their CPA certification.

Recently I've tossed the idea around my head a million times. Originally I refused to take it, knowing that I was not disciplined enough to study for a five-part, multi-hour test. Then when I started seriously looking for jobs last semester, all my interviews were with public firms who won't hire you if you're not eventually going to be certified. So, in a panic, I considered it and told these companies that I would be studying over the summer and completing the test next fall. WHAT?!

It was mostly out of necessity, and if public accounting is the only door open for me right now, then I will still need to take it completely out of necessity. What irks me, though, is that public seems to be the only open avenue. I would be much happier working within the accounting department of the company itself, not as an outside auditor. It's the difference between actually working with accounts and transactions or just being the person to look over all that stuff. I barely like checking over my own work, never mind someone else's.

On top of ALL THAT, the nagging voice in my mind and heart is constantly telling me I don't really want to be doing this, at all. I feel trapped. I have all this creativity running through me, but nowhere to channel it. All my dream jobs - wedding planner, party planner, interior designer/home stager, owner of some kind of cute craft/candy/cupcake shop, dance school owner - seem so daunting and unreachable. Despite earning a degree in accounting, which I understand is very useful and could actually help me in some of these dream jobs, I feel like I've wasted a substantial amount of time and energy. I wish I had realized sooner my true aspirations, so I could have better catered to them in terms of schooling and training.

Unfortunately, I don't really have the choice to be picky right now, because the job market is just terrible. So I'm stuck applying for office jobs, and not even having much luck with that.

moving on.

There's nothing like eating semi-thawed frozen blueberries out of a coffee mug to signal the end of the semester. See, I bought this bag of frozen blueberries, thinking I would make subsequent purchases of vanilla yogurt with which to mix them. What I've failed to mention is that I'm pretty sure I bought these blueberries on my very first grocery shopping trip of the year. Not the semester, the whole damn year. So for six months, they've been staring me in the face every time I open the freezer hoping for amazing food to appear. And every time, I look at them wistfully, wishing I had some vanilla yogurt so I could just freaking eat them already.

But this time I gave up. Maybe I'll get yogurt next shopping trip, maybe I won't. Until then, I'll eat them on their own. They're not bad, but it's just... unsatisfying.

In other news, today I had a visit from Lyndsay and her family as she continued her quest to decide on a college. And guess what? She made her decision today in the middle of the school bookstore. I gotta hand it to her, she was really sneaky about it. After wandering off to peruse the clothes, she returned with a t-shirt, went up to her mother, and said, "so, should I get this one or the pink one?" I didn't see this happen, I only know that's what she did because then she did the same thing to me. And I'm pretty sure I was way too happy for her. I may have squealed. And bounced around. Or, as some may prefer to call it, jumped around. In the middle of the greeting card aisle. IN PUBLIC. Okay sorry.

Anyway, I'm beyond excited that she's coming to my soon-to-be alma mater. [Side note - it's only an alma mater after you leave, right? Let's go with that.] I get to help her a little bit better because I know the ins and outs of the school, and now I have an excuse to come back and visit. Hooray!

Unforunately, I am not having as much success moving on to the next aspect of my life. No job yet, although I'm still semi-actively looking. Which means I'm being lazy but planning on tackling more opportunities this upcoming week. It's hard, but I'm trying to stay hopeful. I know the job market is pretty rough, but I'm crossing my fingers that something will finally slip into place.

I really just wish I were in Lyndsay's position - I'd give anything to stay in college for four more years and find a job in a better market with better grades. But I can't. So, I've got no choice but to put up a really good fight.