Changing My Story: My Job

One of the biggest struggles I’ve had in my post-grad life has been surrounding the topic of my job and career. I didn’t get a full-time job until I was three years out of college; I should specify that I also didn’t pursue much in those three years. A large part of it had to do with newly-diagnosed health issues and anxiety surrounding those issues, but I was also completely directionless.

I was left paralyzed by the career choices (or, lack thereof) presented to me in college. I studied accounting and, at my college, that meant getting on the track to get your CPA (Certified Public Accountant) certification, work in public accounting for a number of years, and then settle into a private company if you so decided. If there were other options, I wasn't well enough informed about them, and the discomfort kept creeping up around me.

The worst part was deciding internally that I didn’t have the drive or the interest in studying for and completing my CPA certification, which is a five-part, extremely difficult exam. As everyone prepped to take these exams just after college - when the information was still fresh and before they changed the methodology of accounting - I learned to keep quiet and under the radar, lest anyone find out that, no, I wasn’t planning to do the one thing that seemed integral to everyone else’s career track.

Because I didn’t want my certification - and because my grades slipped as I grew anxious and disinterested by the field of accounting - none of the companies who did on-campus interviews were interested in me. Mainly, they were public accounting firms, so I knew I was out automatically because my certification wasn’t forthcoming. That added to my stress, obviously. Disinterest + lack of options + rejection from the few places I interviewed = feeling pretty shitty about my career outlook.

Once I graduated, I stalled. Plain and simple. And it lasted three full years.

I finally got a job in April of 2012. It’s the job I still have now, which means I’ve been there for just under four years. From the moment I got the job until now, my family disapproved. Why? For dozens of reasons, but mostly because I’m not living up to my potential (and oh, how I have learned to LOATHE that phrase). I had already accepted that I had fallen far from the student I was in elementary, middle, and high school - and that my family was already disappointed by that. But after I finally graduated college with a sad-but-manageable GPA and a diploma, and after I finally got a job, it still wasn’t enough.

(Side note: that's also the major reason I wanted to needed to move out from my parents' house.)

So that’s the story I absorbed into my core: I had a job, but it wasn’t good enough.

That’s the story I told anyone and everyone. I answered the question, “so what do you do?” with the canned storyline of having a job, but needing to leave ASAP because of [insert logical reason - more money, better opportunities, etc. - here]. I told this not only to new acquaintances, but also repetitively to my friends and family members whenever I saw them. Nobody ends up in accounts payable and stays there; this was temporary, a stepping stone. It became the truth in my head.

Except, it’s not the truth. And slowly, I was starting to draw away from conversation about my career because I was stressed and ashamed. When I would see someone for the third or fourth time in the span of the year, I knew I was presenting the same storyline over and over, never making any progress. It felt so, so shitty. I would come away from hangouts with friends and holidays with family members with an emotional hangover, because I felt like the biggest failure compared to anyone else I knew.

There are parts of that canned story that are correct. All of the “reasons” for finding a new job are legitimate. However, I am comfortable there. It’s a small office, we have very few (if any) meetings, and my bosses are flexible. These factors benefit me right now with my health issues the way they are. The money is not good, but it’s not bad, and I can cover the living expenses that I share with Erik.

Understanding the source of my resistance has helped me lift this weight off of my shoulders. I keep trying to focus on all the things - finding a "legitimate" new job, researching how to start moving towards my dream profession/career, working on my physical and mental health - but with all of them demanding my attention, I was choosing none. This year is about me. My theme for 2016 is "nourish" and, abiding by that, finding a new job is not a priority. Maybe it's in the cards without me knowing it, but it's not my main focus.

This is my first real step in listening to my mind and my heart. It isn't glamorous. It doesn't subscribe to the whole comfort vs. change argument that insists that you should always! be! changing!, or else you're living some horrible, stagnant life. (Yes, this is how I interpret those messages sometimes, when I'm feeling extra snarky). But it's necessary, just based on how much relief I feel since admitting that I've been lying to myself. And that's all that really matters.

that time i beat martha stewart to the punch.

Martha Stewart's Gumdrop Pops project, published in the December 2008 issue of her magazine:

Please note, specifically, the Christmas tree:

The Christmas/Hanukkah Gingerbread Fortress, constructed by the members of the Residence Hall Association executive board '07-'08, in December 2007:

Please note, specifically, the gumdrop Christmas tree with sprinkle accents (my personal brain child):

Commence freak-out at the fact that I totally came up with this idea before Martha Stewart (or at least thought of it before she ever published it somewhere... which might then suggest that we share a brain).

To further prove my point, these are the Snowman Guards of our fortress that my friend constructed compared to Martha's:

It is, however, completely clear that I trumped Martha Stewart on gumdrop figurines with regards to fortress-moat-inhabiting alligators.

Boo-freaking-YAH.

oh, paula deen.

If you were wondering what my sophomore year at college was like, it was basically this, except in person - not over Facebook - and on a daily basis.

And I miss it. A lot.

my favorite valentine's day.

A photo essay.
Valentine's Day 2008, junior year of college.
Mysterious roses & girls night in.


Despite being sick, I wore a cute, theme-y outfit.


Decorations were put up...


...along with the obligatory tray of chocolates.


We all woke up to find roses at our door. They were a gift from a fellow accounting major who sprung to get roses for all the girls in our townhouse development. We didn't know that at the time, though, and had fun guessing.


Melissa got flowers from her boyfriend who was in England at the time. I was unnecessarily excited for her.


(They came in this absurdly huge box that we didn't know what to do with.)


Then Danielle, Melissa and I had our own personal Date Night. We watched Waitress, yelled at the TV, and cried.


Pajamas and delicious Italian take-out were involved.


So was this sparkling juice...


...that we couldn't open. See: distraught expression.


Eventually we figured it out; I don't remember how.


These chocolate-covered strawberries were also involved - a gift to Danielle from her boyfriend.

The end.

superbowl ramblings.

Before college, I never paid attention to the actual game during the Superbowl. I was more interested in the silly commercials and pigging out on onion dip and chips. Because of the massive junk food consumption and resulting bellyache, I often thought that there should be an official school holiday the day after the game.

In my freshman year at college, I spent the evening with my three best friends at the time. We muted the game itself and tried to pay enough attention to turn the sound back on to watch the commercials. Then when the game was over, we ran to the convenience store on campus and back in record time to grab snacks before the newest episode of Grey's Anatomy (when it was still good...).

In sophomore year, my friends and I were the fresh new executive board for the Residence Hall Association. Our idea was a good one - serve free pizza and hot wings while showing the game on two projector screens and a big-screen television - but whichever teams were playing that year, there was little interest. Well, other than in the food. People lined up to get their pizza and went back up to their rooms. That's what you get when you hold it in the main lounge of the freshman dorms.

Junior year was the best Superbowl experience I've had to date. The Giants were playing and I was decked out in a bright blue shirt with curling ribbon in my hair (the dance team-er in me never died). We had learned from the prior year's mistakes and had ordered triple the amounts of pizza and hot wings, making sure to stow a pie or two away so we actually had something to eat. All day, we made sure the projectors worked and the sound was set up correctly. We duct-taped all the wires to the floor and set up the dingy tables, sofas and chairs. The room filled quickly with people, who promptly lined up to get their food. They were so ravenous by halftime that they were watching when exactly we left the room to pick up the second batch of pizzas. And although I paid literally no attention to the football season preceding the big game, I was giddy with excitement as (mostly) everyone cheered on the Giants. It was an incredibly exciting game, due mostly to the spirit of everyone in the room. Hands down, it was one of my favorite college experiences.

Since then, my Superbowl festivities have been rather calm. Last year I was sick in bed, not making it back to school in time for The Boy's party (for which I had actually made Superbowl-themed cupcakes). And today? I'm relaxing with my family, eating onion dip and chips again. Except this time I also have a Smirnoff Ice in hand. Which makes it infinitely more awesome than five years ago.

catharsis.

Since last post, I took an unexpected little bloggy break. I realize it was an icky post on which to end, but I really just needed to spend more time fixing the problem instead of dwelling on it. I do want to say thank you to everyone who responded because I've been a little lax on replying to comments and basically my response to each one is the same: thank you so much and big squishy virtual hugs!

Last Friday I spent the afternoon with two of my best friends from college, Katie and Melissa. It was so incredibly therapeutic in ways I didn't even expect. I had been looking forward to talking out all my problems and getting different perspectives on them, but didn't realize how happy I would be to see them and talk to them again.

Summer 2006, on our way to see Wicked on Broadway.

In college I had a rough start, but somehow made friends anyway. Katie was one of those friends and we bonded so quickly that we moved in together (each of us was having problems with our assigned roommates, so we switched within the first two weeks of school). Our room was all the way at the end of the hall, secluded in the corner among the rowdier residents of our floor. We put up curtains and had a non-school-issued carpet, along with a unique room set-up. There were many nights spent talking about our lives and being surprised at the parallels, specifically the fact that we both attended all-girls high schools and felt socially inept because of it. It made freshman year so much more bearable to room with someone who didn't want to party and drink, but instead wanted to watch Disney movies and talk about childhood memories. And, you know, somebody who wanted to read the dictionary with me.

Okay, so we don't actually read the dictionary. This was part of Katie's campaign for class president in freshman year, because clearly, reading the dictionary makes you awesome.

Then there was Melissa, and oh my God, I have never clicked with a friend faster. Nobody else even comes close to understanding my crazy, happy-go-lucky, let's-watch-Food-Network-and-call-Sandra-Lee-a-lush, Disney-crazed self as well as she does.That uber quirky side of me is often lost on people - I just take it to a level that most people aren't willing to go to, but Melissa somehow is. I met her through Katie, who had classes with her, when Melissa tagged along on a floormate outing to see Harry Potter 3. In sophomore year we roomed together and it was the most fun I ever had in college. It may not have been the most productive year, but we had a helluva good time.

Our first meeting. Love Friendship at first sight snarky movie commentary.

I'm sure this is true of everyone, but I make friends with people who share certain qualities with me. With Katie and Melissa, the range of topics we cover goes from discussing our life crises to what we think of the Jon and Kate fiasco. I find that we're all very open and eager to talk about things because we are looking for someone to validate our feelings and gently offer solutions. And that's exactly what I've been needing lately.

if i close my eyes.

This post is inspired by this post by Melissa.

If I close my eyes tight and turn on music from Colbie Caillat's first album, Coco, I'm transported to my junior year of college.

Opening the door in the morning to see everyone waking up, making breakfast, Natalie and I watching VH1 music videos. Donning scarves and walking to class together. Sitting in my room on a Saturday with the window open, overlooking the little bits of wilderness on our campus, the wind blowing in through my sheer white curtain with the flower decals.

Staying up late and talking about nonsense, eating microwaveable brownies, and cutting out pictures of shoes from magazines. Giggling and plotting over my pining for a silly boy. Watching The Hills, Grey's Anatomy, Dancing with the Stars, and Top Model. Knowing who was coming up the stairs just by the way they walked.

Walking across campus, carrying books; carrying art supplies; carrying a container full of candy corn and a pumpkin piñata. Going to lunch, dinner, wherever, and admiring our beautiful campus. Raising money at the local food store for RHA on an early Sunday morning, then having the whole day ahead of me. Speed walking on chilly nights to the spiritual center for Sunday night mass. Waking up at 8am on a Saturday to tape a video for the RHA conference and having a ridiculous amount of fun with the mascot costume. Going to conference.

Driving in my car, Natalie's car. Food shopping at Stop and Shop or Shoprite and using only one cart for four people. Buying supplies at the party store for a last-minute Halloween party. Stopping at Starbucks for a pumpkin spice latte. Shopping at Target and the mall, eating at Applebees, Joe's and Panera.

*

If I close my eyes really tight and put on some Mika (Grace Kelly and Love Today), I can go back to sophomore year of college.

Pipe cleaners and foam dealies. Our Disney-themed dorm room. Mystery spot on the bathtub floor. Wearing the same colors on the same day, because we're secretly a girl band. Obsessing over SYTYCD. Off-putting drippy sounds coming from the H-VAC. Creepy bugs that disappear and have us turning the room upside down. The Infamous Flood and subsequent chaos. Photoshoot with the industrial fan.

Countless trips to Alli's dorm to have unofficial RHA meetings. Grueling walks to the RHA office at 9am on Mondays. Going downstairs to watch American Idol in Dan's room. Making t-shirts for Relay for Life. Spending an entire afternoon saving the Sibling Sleepover event. Pulling off Lions Fest as the new executive board of RHA.

Always ordering too much dessert. Buying grapes for $8. Mistake bites. Microwaveable Pasta Alfredo. Questionable microwaveable Thai meals. Trips to the convenience store all the time because it was so close. Watching American Idol. Imitating car commercials. The pre-relationship saga with Katie and her current boyfriend. Doing laundry in the basement. Realizing mid-year that we were using the garbage room the wrong way. Criticizing HSN, infomercials, Oprah, and Sandra Lee. Bambi wake-up calls. Underwear on the floor. The "fuck it" bucket.

*

And sometimes, if I try very hard, I can hear C'est La Vie from B*Witched blasting from the girls' bathroom on my freshman floor (because we're cool like that) and remember almost everything.

Taking showers together (in separate stalls) with Linds at 2am. Walking around in slippers. Getting food from the late-night dining hall in pajama pants at midnight. Sitting in Patricia's room, studying microeconomics or talking about life. Hanging out in Andrea's room during fall semester finals. Spending inordinate amounts of time in Ivette and Lindsay's room and mocking our drunk floormates. Creating birthday posters.

Actually going to every class. Visiting C4 for date nights with Katrina. Getting my workout in by taking the stairs to W9 and sneaking food from Alli. Doing community service in the bad part of Trenton. Going to see my theater and music major floormates in performances.

Taking the Loop to the mall for numerous shopping trips. Getting stranded at the movie theater. Going out to eat with Katie's family when they visited. Coping with the John Fiocco incident. Floor meetings. Ice breakers. Rearranging our furniture. Painting a mural to leave our legacy.

--
Note: Senior year was omitted because it kind of sucked.

baby it's cold outside.

I'm all snuggled up in my room, looking at the rain-slash-snow falling outside, and I'm just so excited for winter this year. That's probably because I'm not in college anymore, so I don't need to walk the excruciating ten minutes to class in freezing cold weather. Seriously, it got pretty bad.

Example one was in freshmen year during finals for the fall semester. I'd spent three consecutive days completely within the confines of my dorm building. Since we had a small dining hall in the basement, there was no need to leave, even for meals. But on one of the days, I needed to trek all the way across campus (a ten-minute walk) to tend to something in the business building. It was the absolutely FRIGID.

Then there was junior year. For some reason, the cold was unbearable that winter. I remember walking to classes on several occasions with the wind blowing directly in my face. Being a stubborn/forgetful college student, I didn't have anything to cover my head, so my ears and nose completely froze. It was downright painful. The worst part was finally getting to class because my face would start to defrost and it would give me a headache.

But now? I get to cozy up in my house and drive myself whenever I need to leave instead of freezing to death.

My Day 5 photo is just okay, in my opinion. It took me a while to get it the way I wanted and I'm still not totally happy. But I love these little glass candy decorations and I wanted to show them off.

learning my limits.

Last Friday into Saturday, I had the absolute best time reconnecting with my younger cousin, L. She and I are... well, we're hard to describe. We're not exactly alike, although in many ways we are. I'd say we're different in all the good ways, ways that make us able to tolerate each other.

One of our biggest differences is choice of social activities. In college especially, I was (and still mostly am) the laid back type. I didn't go to frat parties every weekend - in fact, I only drank on a handful of occasions in college, most of them happening after I turned twenty-one. My friends and I spent our time watching TV shows, going to the movies and the mall, or going out to eat. That's just what I chose to do and I was perfectly content with it.

L, on the other hand, was ready for college before she even got there. When I went to visit her last weekend, all of this was on my mind. I had simply assumed we'd be drinking, so it didn't surprise me when she suggested we pick up some beer or vodka. I chose vodka, just because I knew it would be easier to mix into something else and go slow. I was wrong. (Although I'm still glad I didn't go with beer, because she'd surely have me chugging and I cannot chug anything, for the life of me.)

Let me just say, even after turning twenty-one, I haven't really ever gotten drunk. I'd also never taken a shot. So ... definitely killed those two birds with one stone.

It wasn't bad, but it wasn't all good, either. A big mistake I made (and that I knowingly made) was that I had barely eaten all day. I know, I know, novice mistake. But I figured I'd have one or two shots, then mix it with sprite and call it an evening. Nope. The equivalent of four shots later (I had a couple of half-shots in the beginning, since I was a newb), I was having. a. ball. L decided to call up my brother and we had a nice little chat, and a couple of her friends had come over. It was all good.

Then in the span of about ten minutes, it was suddenly not good. I got quite hot and dizzy and was no longer happy to be drunk. L noticed and I could tell she was worried, but I think she thought I was just overreacting. Luckily one of L's friends was pretty sober and noticed, and I have a feeling she said something to L when I went to use the bathroom down the hall. When I got back, everyone had left and L said we could just go to bed.

Most of the problem was that L didn't really pay attention to the fact that her tolerance was much higher than mine. I didn't drink often; she drank every weekend. She was basing her decisions to take more shots on how she felt, not realizing that I was likely more drunk than she was at any given time.

The good news? I didn't throw up and I didn't pass out. I did start getting a little emotional because I wanted to feel better, but that moment came and went. I think L got a little overly concerned because she felt bad, so we put on a movie and she ended up falling asleep by 1am. Within an hour or so I felt loads better, but I couldn't fall asleep because kept having to pee. Wonderful.

Overall, it was an absolute learning experience. L told me the next morning that it was good I was with her to test my limits, because hers were tested at a point where it would've been uncool to go crying to someone about overdoing it. I'm mostly appreciative of the fact that we were just hanging out in the dorm and that I learned my limit. Now I know better for next time how far I can go before it crosses from this-is-so-fun-OMG drunk to must-stare-at-one-thing-so-I-don't-throw-up-from-dizziness drunk.

The best part? I wasn't even hungover! Bonus points for me.

~

Super Serious, "Day" 2 (Thursday night into Friday morning)
"Breakfast" (8pm) - 1 whole egg & 2 egg whites, scrambled with cheese; 1 slice rye toast with Smart Balance butter.
"Lunch" (Midnight) - shrimp-flavored ramen noodle soup
Snacks - chocolate chunk granola bar; 2 vanilla sandwich cookies
"Dinner" (5:15am) - Smart Ones frozen meal

Exercise - nothing

why i can't wait for friday.

It's almost Friday, and I'm more excited than usual.

Why?

Tomorrow I'm visiting my cousin at college.

This is awesome for many, many reasons. First of all, she and I are the closest out of our family, close enough to consider each other sisters. We've recently been having a rough time keeping close, not only because we were so busy in our senior year (hers in high school, mine in college), but because we couldn't relate to each other. My college career was ending, which meant that everything that I had gotten used to was going to change, and not necessarily in a way that I liked. Her life, however, was just beginning, as she enjoyed her senior year and got ready to go to college.

Whatever the reasons, now that I've settled a bit into the post-grad life and she's finally gotten her freedom in college, all the annoyances we had with each other are fading. While things are far from perfect, they're definitely getting better. I had felt, at one point, like we were reverting back to being simply cousins and not acting like sisters. I don't feel like that anymore.

The second reason I'm looking forward to visiting is that she ended up going to the same college as I did. Visiting her means I go back to my old campus, my old freshmen dorms, my old... dining hall. Well, maybe not there. We're doing a mini walking tour, just to see what's new (like the controversial public art pieces that were just installed), then taking a trip to the mall to look at Christmas things. Even the mall is a place full of college memories, where I shopped for Secret Santa gifts and a last-minute strapless bra for the EMS formal (where I first met The Boy).

I am incredibly lucky to have her at the college where I "grew up." One of my bigger problems recently is my anxiety with new places and situations, so if I were visiting a college I didn't go to, I'd probably be a bit of a mess. But since I'm so familiar with the drive there, where to park, and where everything is, it just feels like I'm going home.

happy halloween!

I absolutely love Halloween. Mainly for the free candy, but also because I love to dress up. I could definitely do without the scary stuff, but I don't mind it in moderation. Plus, I feel like it's the unofficial start to the holiday season.

Trick-or-treating was my activity of choice until sophomore year of college. Yes, COLLEGE. I continued to go throughout high school, I skipped freshmen year, but in sophomore year, a bunch of my friends still wanted to do it. And how can I pass up free candy? Sure, I could go buy my own bag, but unless you're going to shell out lots of cash, you're only going to get a limited variety. By going out, you get everything you could imagine and more. I remember dumping my bucket out and finding candy I totally forgot existed or that I simply didn't eat very often. It was amazing.

My junior and senior years didn't include trick-or-treating only because I hosted a party one year and attended one the following year. Our junior year party was pretty last-minute because we all wanted to go out, but not to drink (I know, we're not your typical college students). So, we hosted our own party which included pizza, snacks, and amazing brownies. We had thirteen people total, talked really loudly and got in trouble, then crowded into one of our rooms to watch Casper. It was a lot of fun, actually.

Our little common area, decked out for the party. We even had SUPER ILLEGAL STRING LIGHTS.

I guess now that I won't be trick-or-treating until I have kids of my own (yikes!), my favorite part of Halloween is definitely dressing up. In case you couldn't guess, I was Tinkerbell for our junior year party. Last year (my senior year) I was a black cat.

However, my favorite costume of all time was none other than being a Disney princess. I had only been a fairy princess when I was four years old, and had otherwise gone in the direction of whatever was popular (like the year I was the Pink Power Ranger when everyone else was too).

I can't say the idea was exactly all mine. My best friend at the time decided she wanted to be Maleficent, the evil witch from Sleeping Beauty. It was our senior year of high school, which meant we were the only ones allowed to dress up for the annual class parties. Since I had always wanted to do theme-y costumes with friends, I immediately decided I would be Aurora. Originally we tried to get our friends to be other Disney princesses and villains, but everyone already had other ideas.

Being Princess Aurora was the best time I've ever had on Halloween. I can't tell if it comes across in my blog, but I was born to be a Disney princess, no lie. Princess Cait was actually my nickname of sorts in high school (hence the URL to this blog - ou, fun fact!). I mean, nobody ever called me that in any seriousness, like yelling down the hallway for me. It was mostly just online screen name material and for joking around. Needless to say, I am the perfect candidate for dressing like a princess.

What was your favorite costume for Halloween? What's your favorite part of Halloween in general?