I just deleted a post that was all about how I am aware of my shortcomings, aware of my excuses, and how I still feel defined by my failures and powerless against fighting that feeling.
I deleted it because I felt ashamed. Not because I figured something out, or realized I was making excuses (which I already realize), but because my face flushed with shame at the thought of people reading it and thinking about how I could take the time I spent complaining and woe-is-me-ing and use it productively.
I don't know how I feel about doing that. I just know I feel weighted down by life right now and it seems like for every step forward, there are three or more back. No matter how rationally I understand that we aren't defined by our failures, I still feel like I'm defined by mine. The reason I don't expect anything out of myself? So I don't have to work hard for the disappointment. I already feel it and embody it; I wear it like a coat so that it can't be thrust upon me when I don't expect it. My family has, for a long time, silently labeled me as a failure -- not necessarily intentionally, but it's been done, and consistently continues to be done in tiny, painful ways.
All I want is a new job with a good enough salary so that I can leave this house. That's all I need. I need to get out and be on my own in an apartment with Erik, who refuses to even let me utter the word failure when referencing myself. I want a lot of things - a dream job, a new car, the time and energy to socialize and connect with all of my friends on a regular basis - but I truly only need one thing: freedom from this house.