Monday, December 1, 2014

On and off.

Christmastime seems as good a time as any to settle back into my writing here, or at least try.

More and more often, I find myself wondering how days and weeks go by while feeling like mere moments. I'm not insanely busy - I work from 9 to 5:30, have a decent commute, and don't always have jam-packed weekends. But in my downtime, instead of doing anything remotely productive, I watch mindless TV shows and scroll endlessly through my tumblr feed.

I think part of my problem is that work is so busy. It's not that it's stressful, it's that I spend every minute of every day doing something. My only breaks are my half-hour lunch and the small five-minute chunks of time I get from grabbing my lunch from the fridge or washing my dishes at the end of the day.

When I get home, then, I want to zone out completely. The problem? I have many, many other things that need doing, like that pesky job search or taking some time for self care. My biggest "treat" is a hot bubble bath. Otherwise, I don't schedule time to journal and release all my thoughts and feelings, or to meditate (or even just sit and relax!), or to exercise, or be creative. I'm "on" all day long and then "off" all night long, until I crawl into bed and do it all again the next day.

Dedicating time to myself is something I have always struggled with and will probably continue to struggle with for a long time. Even trying to change one small habit at a time hasn't been successful, which only sends me down the path of self-criticism and self-loathing. It's as if I need someone to babysit me and tell me what to do and when. The logical side of my brain knows that that "someone" is me, and this is part of being an adult, but I don't listen to myself.