Monday, September 10, 2012


I sat in my usual spot at my second job Friday night, squeezing a few extra hours in my day to make a little more cash. As I mindlessly typed away (data entry, it's a love/hate relationship), I kept wondering what the evening had in store for me.

At that exact moment, Erik was already at my house, having dinner with my family and playing poker. Or so I hoped, since my mind likes to play tricks on me and wondered if maybe he was just going to bail on me completely. Monday's events played on a loop in my head, even though we'd gone back to our normal texting habits throughout the week.

What if he's just doing me a favor by coming over? What if he really doesn't want to be here? What if he waited until seeing me in person to break up with me?

Those are the thoughts that were swirling around my mind all. week. long. And as time ticked away, closer and closer to when I'd actually see him, I became more nervous.

As soon as I walked in the kitchen, though, it melted away. He was sitting there playing poker and joking around with my family. Normal. When he got up to get a beer and I was heating up my dinner, he gave me a squeeze and kissed me on the cheek. Normal. Poker eventually ended and we retreated to my room, got ready for bed, and snuggled together under the covers. Normal.

The relief I felt is indescribable. My mind plays devil's advocate all the time and I had been so worried that perhaps I was putting too much hope and faith in things working out.

We had an absolutely wonderful weekend, too. I think we were both trying to make up for the mistakes of the past month and attempting to get back to the really good place we were just before it all blew up. There was miniature golf, walking around the mall, driving in the rain, and a fabulous dinner at Bahama Breeze on Saturday, with the rest of our evening spent drinking wine and playing video games with my brother. Sunday was a lazy morning, a discussion about feeeeeeelings (my favorite!), and a few hours spent outdoors playing wiffle ball and lounging on the grass.

Writing about feelings is one of my secret talents in life, but talking about them is one of my biggest insecurities. Last weekend's argument being as big as it was, I knew it was important to truly get all of my feelings out instead of half-assing it. On Tuesday morning, as I was still reeling from everything, I poured everything out onto a page in my iPhone Notepad app and I promised myself that no matter how long it got and how much my feelings changed by the time we talked, I would share everything on that page.

I kept that promise to myself. It was really difficult to get started, but as I spoke, a huge weight came off of my chest. The problem I usually have when sharing feelings is that I either freeze and refuse to say anything, or I forget important things I wanted to say. Writing it down remedied that. It felt weird reading from a script, but the goal was accomplished: say absolutely everything I needed and wanted to say. And it felt wonderful.

Last weekend we had walked up to the line between being 'us' and being back to 'him' and 'me' again; it was truly a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from. Having him here this weekend and finding out that everything would be okay felt like an incredible blessing and I could hardly believe it. I got really lucky and I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure I don't jeopardize this again.