Friday, December 30, 2011

One Word.

{photo credit: me}

My 2010 was summed up by the phrase letting go. It wasn’t a mantra I set out to follow in January, but one that became apparent when I recollected the years’ events in December. Even upon figuring out my ‘word’ for the previous year, it didn’t occur to me to create one for 2011. I was still of the belief that picking a word to describe a year that hadn’t even happened yet was a bit pointless.

It has taken a few days of thinking to figure out my word for 2011, and to be honest, I was pretty stumped for a while. There was more letting go, primarily of my over-thinking and worrying. There was a lot of love, not only in my relationship with Erik but amongst my friends and family. There was bravery – taking small leaps with my anxiety by stretching my limits in terms of attending events that I would normally just avoid. But none of these words really stuck out to me.

And then, as I sat down to compose this post, I glanced up at my bulletin board and saw this quote (from a Valentine’s-themed Dove chocolate wrapper):

Trust with your heart, not your head.


It was the backbone behind all of the words I highlighted above. I had to trust myself and my instincts instead of thinking of every single scenario and fretting about it. This was particularly true in the beginning of my relationship – after sitting one day and wondering how much do I like him, does he like me the same way, how far will this go, are we compatible, I stopped the mental spew of questions and thought, just go with it, wherever it goes.

That thought followed me throughout the year, spreading to other parts of my life. It’s like everything that everyone kept telling me has finally clicked in my mind: Stop anticipating every single thing that can go wrong. Be decisive. Don’t ask for and follow the opinions of others, because my choices are my own to make. Do the things that make me happy, without worrying about the opposite scenario being more responsible or less risky. Go with my gut instincts.

Despite being so against choosing a word for my upcoming year last December, I feel differently this year. It was a simple choice, one that I’ve been half-heartedly committing to year after year. It was inspired by Stephany, who chose health as her word; my word is healing.

Not only do I need physical healing of my stomach problems and anxiety, but there is a lot of emotional crap clogging up my life. When I sit down to apply for jobs, I feel such strong pangs of disappointment that I can’t bear to submit applications. I don’t have a lot of love for myself in general. There’s a struggle to communicate properly with Erik because of twisted ways of thinking.

All of these things – my IBS, my anxiety, the emotional back-up going on within me – need to be healed in order for me to be the best Cait ever. I look forward to the challenge.