{photo credit: me}
My 2010 was summed up by the phrase letting go. It wasn’t a mantra I set out to follow in January, but
one that became apparent when I recollected the years’ events in December. Even
upon figuring out my ‘word’ for the previous year, it didn’t occur to me to
create one for 2011. I was still of the belief that picking a word to describe
a year that hadn’t even happened yet was a bit pointless.
It has taken a few days of thinking to figure out my word
for 2011, and to be honest, I was pretty stumped for a while. There was more letting go, primarily of my
over-thinking and worrying. There was a lot
of love, not only in my relationship
with Erik but amongst my friends and family. There was bravery – taking small leaps with my anxiety by stretching my
limits in terms of attending events that I would normally just avoid. But none
of these words really stuck out to me.
And then, as I sat down to compose this post, I glanced up
at my bulletin board and saw this quote (from a Valentine’s-themed Dove
chocolate wrapper):
Trust with your heart,
not your head.
Trust.
It was the backbone behind all of the words I highlighted
above. I had to trust myself and my instincts instead of thinking of every
single scenario and fretting about it. This was particularly true in the
beginning of my relationship – after sitting one day and wondering how much do I like him, does he like me the
same way, how far will this go, are we compatible, I stopped the mental
spew of questions and thought, just go
with it, wherever it goes.
That thought followed me throughout the year, spreading to
other parts of my life. It’s like everything that everyone kept telling me has
finally clicked in my mind: Stop anticipating every single thing that can go
wrong. Be decisive. Don’t ask for and follow the opinions of others, because my
choices are my own to make. Do the things that make me happy, without worrying
about the opposite scenario being more responsible or less risky. Go with my
gut instincts.
Despite being so against choosing a word for my upcoming
year last December, I feel differently this year. It was a simple choice, one
that I’ve been half-heartedly committing to year after year. It was inspired by
Stephany, who chose health as her word; my word is healing.
Not only do I need physical healing of my stomach problems
and anxiety, but there is a lot of emotional crap clogging up my life. When I
sit down to apply for jobs, I feel such strong pangs of disappointment that I
can’t bear to submit applications. I don’t have a lot of love for myself in
general. There’s a struggle to communicate properly with Erik because of
twisted ways of thinking.
All of these things – my IBS, my anxiety, the emotional
back-up going on within me – need to be healed in order for me to be the best
Cait ever. I look forward to the challenge.
