Friday, July 16, 2010

things that changed her life.

This is a post inspired by Amy over at Just a Titch, whom I adore.

There are some moments that change your game, your view, your life. They start out normally, but well, they never quite end that way, do they? This is one of mine."


During the summer between sophomore and junior year of college, I developed a crush on a friend, a bad habit I seem to be unable to break. Fall semester of that year was spent over-analyzing every conversation, every comment, every action – my roommates would nod their heads, assuring me that I wasn’t making up the flirtation and the chemistry. I was always worried it was all in my head, but with three other people confirming that it wasn’t, my confidence was built up.

I made a decision at one in the morning on Christmas Day. It was the first time I was making a move regarding a crush I had, and I was going to do it via text message. I am not courageous in any way, and even just sending a text message was incredibly difficult. But, inspiration struck and I composed it and before I even had time to think twice, I hit send and it was on its way.

For a brief moment, I was flying. I felt invincible, having done something I never thought I’d have the courage to do. Within minutes, however, panic set in at the complete realization at what had been done. I frantically tried to contact my friends who immediately applauded my bravery. Clearly they knew how monumental this was.

When push came to shove, it turned out to be a case of bad timing and complications. I’m still not sure what was complicated, although a few months later it became apparent that he was seeing another girl. For a few months I wished he would explain himself, but eventually I settled into the fact that I wouldn’t ever know what had been going on between us.

To this day, this is one of most courageous things I’ve ever done. My friends still congratulate me for having the guts to do it. I was always the timid, quiet girl, who kept everything to herself and would dwell on crushes without taking action. Sending that text message was going against everything in my nature, every instinct to keep quiet and avoid embarrassment and hope that he would take the first step for me.

I can’t say for sure if this experience makes me more or less likely to do it again in the future. Because I was essentially rejected, I went through the “worst case scenario,” but it’s hard to know if that’s a good or bad thing. If I think about my current crush (yes, I already have one, shut up), in theory, I want to be able to say I would do something about it, but chances are I’ll just sit and wait. I think too much and am analytical to a fault, so I don’t think I’d ever reach that level of assuredness I’d need in order to do it again.

All I know is that it taught me that I could do anything. It showed me how damn difficult it is for all of that pressure to typically fall on the guy to say something first. It made me realize that I wasn’t a silly, immature girl anymore, but that I was growing up and things were changing.