sometimes, i'm responsible.

This weekend, I had to battle it out between my Rational Side and Impulsive Side. You’re probably familiar with these two – Impulsive sounds like the bubbly friend who tells you to throw caution to the wind and do whatever you wish; Rational sounds like your mother.

After weeks of unsuccessfully being able to get on a regular schedule, on Thursday I committed to fixing it no matter what it took. I had no plans for the weekend and had off from work this week, so it was perfect timing. But after updating my Facebook status to say I was overdue for a beach trip, I was presented with an invitation to spend the weekend at a friend’s shore house.

I woke up Saturday morning debating for a good hour and a half. That’s when Rational and Impulsive showed up. Impulsive was jumping up and down, pointing out the window and saying, “look how gorgeous it is outside! You get to go to the shore, and the beach, and see your friends! Who cares if it wrecks your schedule again, you can just start again on Monday. Go, go, go!” And, to be honest, I listen to that side of my mind a whole lot – Impulsive is a persuasive little thing.

Except, Rational was there, calmly repeating itself over and over again. If I went, I would definitely not eat properly and I might not sleep well in a bed that wasn’t my own. I would have to take my meds, deal with my anxiousness, and probably not be able to enjoy it as much as I’d like. Still, Impulsive tried to coax me. Maybe I wouldn’t be as anxious as I was predicted and the trip would be relaxing (and still fun, it never forgot to bring up the fun part).

Despite my tendency to listen to my impulsive side, I ended up choosing the responsible and rational option, which was to stay home. I could enjoy the sunny weather from my house while still working on my schedule, and to assuage the nagging sadness of turning down another invite, I reminded myself that this is the first big hurdle to feeling better. Once I’m well, I can accept every invite that comes my way.

That being said, I had a pretty enjoyable weekend nonetheless, if only because I felt like a normal, functioning human being again. I woke up before noon, went to bed before midnight, and had three balanced meals each day. It was rounded out with doing yoga each morning, getting some sun (and sunburn) while doing yard work, and playing video games.

Being responsible isn’t always fun – I would definitely have enjoyed my trip to the shore this weekend – but if this is step one to getting my life back on track, I will definitely appreciate it in the future.