Wednesday, March 18, 2009

who i am, who i'm not and who i wanna be.

Yesterday, after a casual discussion with The Boy, I realized that I have a very strange combination of personality traits.

If asked, I would probably classify myself as a people person. But I'm not sure how true this really is. It's easy for me to admit that I would love throwing parties that would be attended by my constantly growing circle of friends and acquaintances. I already have an affinity for designing all the details of a party, but I haven't actually had much opportunity to be the sole hostess. I am also, apparently, a person who's easy to get along with and easily well-liked by others. The Boy mentions this all the time as one of my most impressive qualities. It's something I've never realized before, mainly because I over-analyze every moment of my interaction with people, especially those I don't know well. I'm so mentally aware of every awkward pause and every strange answer I give to questions, and I always have this nagging feeling that, even though I'm interested in what the person is saying, my reactions make it look like I'm just feigning interest.

I would say that the main thing keeping me from being a complete social butterfly is my extreme dislike of all things awkward. I avoid awkward situations as much as humanly possible. Most times when I see someone I know around campus (besides my close friends), I check my cell phone and pretend to be reading a text to avoid even just saying "hi." It's the strangest thing, but I do it all the time. I just feel I'd rather walk silently past them than say "hey, how are you?"

To top it off, I also worry way too much about what other people think of me. I'm constantly worried about sounding stupid in any means of communication - talking in person or on the phone, in e-mails, even in blog comments and Facebook messages. It's the strangest thing ever, and I can't shake it. I often second-guess myself and will, in some cases, just forget about composing an e-mail or leaving a comment just because I'm afraid of coming across as weird.

I guess what it all comes down to is my inability to be sure of myself, to have complete confidence in who I present myself to be. This is also evident in other aspects of my life - the career I'm currently pursuing isn't really what I want out of life at all, but I'm too unsure of myself to do anything about it. But that's another thought for another post.

1 comment:

Scribbler said...

Your brain continues to develop until you're 24. After this point the part of your brain that is self-conscious and tries to figure out who you are quiets down and you begin to access memory more, which makes you more confident. You'll feel more sure of yourself soon enough.