lack of motivation

Let's being by stating the obvious: I am not a motivated person.

I don't really know where this bad habit of procrastination began, but it is a huge struggle for me to get things done that I don't want to get done. It's more complex than simply putting off work, but I'm having a difficult time peeling off all the layers and getting to the core issue.

One aspect is that I like to be easily defined and I like attention. In my group of friends, I'm the one who's playfully picked on for skipping classes, sleeping too much, and never studying. Yes, it's attention for the wrong things, but it's attention nonetheless. I don't know if that's uncommon, but I do know it's damn hard to stop. If I start doing my work and going to class, I lose that.. defining characteristic, I guess, that I've created for myself.

I've gone back and forth trying to decide if I'm afraid, either of success or failure. I've always concluded that I can't be afraid of failure, because I've failed many, many times. Although, perhaps I'm not afraid of actual failure, but of failure to meet my unrealistic and perfectionist goals. At times, I was intrigued with the idea of being afraid of success, but I don't believe that's it.

I just got done reading The Boy's essay for his med school applications, and holy cheese and crackers, I am speechless. I mean, since I met him, I knew that he had a passion for medicine - he told me he's wanted to be a doctor since he was eight years old. He's been saving money for med school since then, went to a pre-med high school, and worked as an EMT. So yeah, I know it's what he wants to do. But reading the essay just amplified that passion by one million. It really opened my eyes to how he feels about all this, how determined he is.

My next feeling? One of envy. Not a negative envy; a weird, awe-filled envy. I told him this, too. I told him I wished that I had been lucky enough to know exactly what I want to do with my life and had the motivation to work towards that goal. At first I felt this aspect of his life was intimidating, but now I just admire him for it. Unfortunately for me, though, without a goal, there is no motivation. Accounting was a decision made when I asked myself, well, what else am I going to do? My parents suggested it, I figured I was good at math, and here we stand. I won't say I hate accounting, because I honestly don't. It's just not exactly what I want.

What do I want? Things I can't have. I would have loved to study dance, to become a professional dancer. If I had realized my passion when I was younger, I could have really pursued a career as a dancer. I also yearn to be a wedding/party planner, but my personality isn't fit for that job. I am fearful of phone calls and hate confrontation, so I would lack the putting-my-foot-down attitude that's needed to succeed in that arena.

I'm stuck in this lukewarm state, not passionate enough towards my current career choice and facing too many odds towards my dream jobs. Wonderful.