Sunday, July 6, 2008

awkward situations

I've been skinny all of my life, and contrary to popular belief, it hasn't been easy. I was that bony, twig-limbed girl - you know, the one that looks like she'll break if jumps rope too hard - until high school, when I finally hit puberty. Even then, as a dancer, I stayed pretty slim.

In eighth grade, I went through this strange week-long series of panic attacks that were brought on by being in school. It was the pinnacle of my anxiety problems, which will probably eventually get their own blog entry. Anyway, during one of my first trips to the nurse's office that week, before she had me lay down or call my mom, she looked at me for a moment and said, "here, get on the scale for a minute." I can't remember if I realized what she was doing at the time, but I do know it clicked soon after. She thought I was anorexic. I think quite a few people made that assumption. Not that I'd blame them - I was super skinny and I had social eating issues, which meant I barely ate lunch during school.

The strange part? That's something easily dealt with. I can explain to whomever was suspicious that I eat plenty at home. What's not easily dealt with is how my friends act around me. Many times I'm stuck in an awkward situation, left to lightly laugh it off or roll my eyes. Here's an example, one that I've experienced countless times: pool parties. Whenever bathing suits are involved, people freak out. And I understand that.. to a point. But almost every time, people imply that they'll feel more uncomfortable in my presence, because I'm skinny. How does one react to that? I never really know. I usually don't comment because I can't win. Obviously I can't agree. "Yeah, you're right. I AM pretty skinny. You should be embarrassed." NO. ...DUH. But I apparently can't disagree, either. "Guys, I'm not that skinny. My butt is actually pretty gross..." Before I can even get halfway through that phrase, I'm getting pffffft-ed at and dismissed.

So basically, I'm just stuck in a perpetual awkward moment when it comes to this stuff. I understand that I have a good body and yes, I'm very grateful for it. But just because someone is skinny or fit doesn't mean they're completely happy with their body. Luckily I have very few complaints with myself, but I'm allowed to have them.


Jamie said...

It's kind of nice (I don't know if that's the right word) seeing someone else have these thoughts, even if we are on the opposite end of the weight spectrum. People always assume once your thin, you have everything in the world and it's not like that. Everyone is insecure sometimes.

K said...

Uhmmm. cupcakes?!?! I want one.