Hotel staycation.

Over the weekend, Erik and I celebrated our anniversary by staying at a local hotel. Sounds a little strange, yes, but it was actually the best thing ever.

The past few weeks at work have been rough - I've been playing catch-up because of the holidays and my boss has a bad habit of complaining, which is incredibly annoying to listen to all day, every day. It was perfect timing, then, to take this mini vacation with Erik.

As I said to him later, it was really the perfect anniversary-slash-birthday gift he could've given me. I left it up to him to plan, as I spent the entire holiday season filling my calendar and juggling schedules. When I arrived, I collapsed happily into bed and all of my stress melted away. We ordered room service and went down to the pool - my only two requirements because I had never done the former and the latter was my favorite part of staying in hotels as a kid. When we came back, we showered and got in pajamas at 9pm, cuddled into bed, and watched TV and talked about the future.

The rest of the weekend was really great, too, especially when Erik called out of work and stayed at my house all through Sunday. It was a ton of quality time with him, something I feel like I never get enough of. Usually we're being social with our families or, at his house, with all of his friends. Even though we'll have an afternoon or night alone, it's just not the same as an entire weekend together. It was magical. It was relaxing. It was exactly what I needed.

Going back to work yesterday sucked, but I felt a little more refreshed than normal. My heart still feels like it's going to explode from all the feelings. It was a brief (but obviously not a complete) taste of what it's going to be like to live together and it made me super excited for our plans to move in together at the end of this year.

My (Not-So-)Long-Distance Relationship.

We were in the middle of lunch at the P.F. Chang’s right by our old college stomping grounds when my friend Melissa said something that changed the way I saw my relationship. I had just finished describing how Erik and I saw each other on weekends, sometimes only every other weekend. Her response was something along the lines of, “wow, so you’re basically in a long-distance relationship.”

As soon as she said it, I could feel a weight come off of my shoulders. Ever since Erik graduated college and stopped living in his dorm room twenty minutes from my house, we’ve been limited to seeing each other on weekends. We live a little over an hour apart, depending on how quickly we drive, so it can be a bit inconvenient to drop in for a short visit. Weekends are usually all-or-nothing:  either we go straight from work Friday evening and stay until Sunday night, or we skip it. It’s not worth the time and gas money to go for one overnight.

Since then, I had been struggling with so many feelings and frustrations, but couldn’t pinpoint the source. Any weekend not spent together felt like I was unwanted. If there wasn’t the right ratio of alone time and time with friends, I was agitated. When we would part ways on Sunday night, I would go to bed fighting back tears.

I still have some of those feelings, but putting a name on it and identifying it as a long-distance relationship somehow felt better. I was no longer trying to compare it to everyone else’s "normal" (for lack of a better word) relationships, couples who lived together or lived in the same town, and wondering why ours was different. I was more forgiving of my feelings because the circumstances were creating them, not something inherently wrong with the relationship.

When I think of long-distance relationships, my best friend Danielle comes immediately to mind. And when I think about how her husband is several states away from her, how she’s lucky to get any communication at all because he’s in the navy and on a submarine half of the time, I tend to discount my feelings. There’s no way my situation compares at all to hers.

That’s just it, though. Life is not about comparisons. There will always be someone better or worse, richer or poorer, in a better or worse situation. To a couple who live across the globe from each other, me calling an hour-long distance 'long' will be absolutely laughable. To a couple that live together, an hour seems like an eternity. It's not necessarily the exact distance, but that it limits our freedom to see each other. That's the part that sucks the most.

At the end of the day, what matters is how we feel in our given situations regardless of how it looks to other people. If tacking a label to my relationship makes me feel lighter and more peaceful about my life, then so be it.

Wordless Wednesday: Hershey Park.

Normal.

I sat in my usual spot at my second job Friday night, squeezing a few extra hours in my day to make a little more cash. As I mindlessly typed away (data entry, it's a love/hate relationship), I kept wondering what the evening had in store for me.

At that exact moment, Erik was already at my house, having dinner with my family and playing poker. Or so I hoped, since my mind likes to play tricks on me and wondered if maybe he was just going to bail on me completely. Monday's events played on a loop in my head, even though we'd gone back to our normal texting habits throughout the week.

What if he's just doing me a favor by coming over? What if he really doesn't want to be here? What if he waited until seeing me in person to break up with me?

Those are the thoughts that were swirling around my mind all. week. long. And as time ticked away, closer and closer to when I'd actually see him, I became more nervous.

As soon as I walked in the kitchen, though, it melted away. He was sitting there playing poker and joking around with my family. Normal. When he got up to get a beer and I was heating up my dinner, he gave me a squeeze and kissed me on the cheek. Normal. Poker eventually ended and we retreated to my room, got ready for bed, and snuggled together under the covers. Normal.

The relief I felt is indescribable. My mind plays devil's advocate all the time and I had been so worried that perhaps I was putting too much hope and faith in things working out.

We had an absolutely wonderful weekend, too. I think we were both trying to make up for the mistakes of the past month and attempting to get back to the really good place we were just before it all blew up. There was miniature golf, walking around the mall, driving in the rain, and a fabulous dinner at Bahama Breeze on Saturday, with the rest of our evening spent drinking wine and playing video games with my brother. Sunday was a lazy morning, a discussion about feeeeeeelings (my favorite!), and a few hours spent outdoors playing wiffle ball and lounging on the grass.

Writing about feelings is one of my secret talents in life, but talking about them is one of my biggest insecurities. Last weekend's argument being as big as it was, I knew it was important to truly get all of my feelings out instead of half-assing it. On Tuesday morning, as I was still reeling from everything, I poured everything out onto a page in my iPhone Notepad app and I promised myself that no matter how long it got and how much my feelings changed by the time we talked, I would share everything on that page.

I kept that promise to myself. It was really difficult to get started, but as I spoke, a huge weight came off of my chest. The problem I usually have when sharing feelings is that I either freeze and refuse to say anything, or I forget important things I wanted to say. Writing it down remedied that. It felt weird reading from a script, but the goal was accomplished: say absolutely everything I needed and wanted to say. And it felt wonderful.

Last weekend we had walked up to the line between being 'us' and being back to 'him' and 'me' again; it was truly a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from. Having him here this weekend and finding out that everything would be okay felt like an incredible blessing and I could hardly believe it. I got really lucky and I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure I don't jeopardize this again.

Breathe In, Breathe Out.

This weekend, I had my first legitimate panic attack in front of Erik.

Since the beginning of our relationship, I talked about my anxiety candidly. I remember telling him on the night of our first kiss – five days before he asked me out – that I have some issues. He reacted supportively, saying that he would be happy to help me get through tough times. He’s said this whenever I’ve brought it up again. It’s one of the things I found really refreshing about him.

We’ve been dating for just over a year and half. In that time, my anxiety hasn’t truly flared up in front of him. Part of it is that I do my best to prevent it. Part of it is that I always felt uniquely at ease around him. I used to think this was a good thing:  how fabulous that my anxiety stayed at bay while we were together! It didn’t put a damper on anything we did, which is what I hate most about being anxious. After this weekend, I realize I was only putting off the inevitable.

On Saturday night, we went on a dinner cruise with his family – his parents, Natalie, and her husband. I had been dreading this from the get-go. I regretted not declining earlier, insisting that someone go in my place. Still, I was able to put the worry out of my mind and prepare, something I’ve always found calming. I bought two kinds of motion-sickness medicine, acupressure bracelets, and ginger gum. I felt ready.

But as soon as I walked down that pier and heard the boats rocking in the harbor, I freaked. Stepping on board didn’t help – because we were still docked, there was a distinct rocking motion. I panicked.

Tears came involuntarily as I clutched at my bag and focused my eyes on anything but the windows that displayed visually the teetering motion I felt. There was no way I could survive three hours on a boat if it was going to feel like this. All of my well-laid-out plans to retreat to the top deck and put on my bracelets were out the window; I wanted off the boat. Now. And I said as much, through clenched teeth, to Erik, along with I want to go home, I can’t do this, and why are you making me do this?

I could tell he was dumbfounded. In theory, anxiety wasn’t a big deal to him. It was a vague concept, one that he probably interpreted as me being a little nervous about things. To see it in full force, however, was completely different. He didn’t know what to say or do, which just made me feel guilty.

Thankfully, Natalie (who is my best friend of five years and well aware of my anxiety issues) came to greet me and, upon seeing my tear-filled eyes, calmed me down. She hugged me tightly and asked what was wrong. When I told her, she reassured me and told me her husband said that this was the worst of it – once we got moving, it would be okay. I would be okay. And I believed her.

I don’t fault Erik for his reaction, not in the least. He didn’t know. But that’s the thing – he didn’t know. Now, he realizes what anxiety does to me and that it’s possible – and probable – that I’ll have a similar reaction to most new experiences. It was a dose of reality for him, and quite frankly, it scares me. This realization could have a negative impact on our relationship, because he has to deal with the reality that this is “normal.” Is that something he wants to deal with? Is he willing to give up going on cruises – real, week-long ones – together, because it’s something I know is too overwhelming for me?

I ended up enjoying the rest of the cruise, though I will admit I'm relieved to have it off of my mind. But now I've replaced that anxiety with worry, because I never anticipated Erik's reaction to seeing me panic. All I can do is discuss it more, promise to try my hardest to work on it and not let it paralyze me, and ask him to be patient. Trust isn't my strong point, but I don't have much other choice.

Roommates.

Recently, Erik and I have started spending entire weekends together, mostly out of necessity. He had a full-time internship and a handful of night classes this past semester, which only left Friday through Sunday to spend quality time together. In April, for Nat’s wedding, I was with him from Thursday through Sunday – four whole days. Now that I work and he's back home, it's really the only time I see him.

When the weekends are over, I get sad. My bed always seems emptier that first night after a few nights together. I never get that sick of him, which is surprising because I get sick of mostly everyone. I look forward to the next time I get to see him.

Now that I have a job, moving out has become a tangible goal. Sure, it would take me a little while to save – I’m not making a ton of money – but I could do it, if I really wanted it. Erik hopes to have a job as soon as possible and he’s looking to move out, too.

Combine those two things together and you get this:  I am now seriously considering moving in with Erik.

It started out as a theoretical situation a few months ago, inserted randomly into conversations about other topics and prefaced by “maybe in the future, when…” or followed up by, “… but you know, just hypothetically.” I think it’s something we both expected to eventually happen, but neither wanted to say it with any certainty.

Now that it’s a real possibility – obviously not immediately, but within the next year – it’s actually a little scary. Putting it on paper (or, you know, the internet…) makes it feel real. I mean, no real decisions have been made, but the conversation has taken a turn from “maybe, in the far future” to “possibly, in the closer future.”

But I will say this. The prospect of living with Erik and seeing him every single day absolutely thrills me. I'm not naive enough to expect that it'll be sunshine and cupcakes all of the time; I know we won’t always get along and we'll learn just how long it takes to get annoyed with the other person. I have health issues that he knows about, but living together will expose him to the extent of how bad they can get.

I also have mixed feelings because I've heard a lot of criticism of moving in with a boyfriend or girlfriend before getting married. Some people say you absolutely must have a year or two to live completely on your own, just to know what it's like. Other people say it'll complicate and possibly ruin an otherwise good relationship. Those things are what freak me out the most.

When I look at the reality of it, though, I can't imagine that the difficulties would overshadow my happiness. The thought of seeing him every day, going to bed and waking up together, or coming home from a stressful day at work to hang out with him makes me completely giddy. He has this uncanny ability to completely relax me, whereas in my current living situation (with my parents), I don't always come home to a stress-free environment.

I look forward to the day that this will be my reality. Until then, I'll be saving my pennies and crossing my fingers that Erik gets a job sooner than later, so that we can start looking at it a little more seriously.

Valentine's Weekend.

This weekend, on Saturday mostly, Erik and I celebrated an early Valentine’s Day. Since he’s interning full-time and taking a few night classes, we figured it’d be easier and more enjoyable to spend an entire Saturday together instead of a few hours on Tuesday night.

To start off the day, we exchanged gifts right away because we lack self-control. I had picked up a few extra things during Christmastime for him – a shirt from Hollister and a stuffed Angry Birds doll to hang from his car window – and made this incredibly cheesy project. (You don’t know just how hard it is to come up with 52 reasons you love a person, even if you love them a lot. Just saying.) And look what I got!

This is a great gift for two reasons: 1) now I can re-read them anytime I want, and 2) Erik dislikes reading and books in general, so for him to go into a bookstore and get this for me says a lot.

Our Valentine’s Day ‘tradition’ – which is just barely that, since it’s only been for this year and last – is to cook and eat a meal together. About a week ago, however, he offered to treat me to any movie I wanted to see in addition to our dinner. So, I chose The Vow.

Let me tell you right now, if you’re planning on seeing it, be prepared to cry. I went in knowing the general plot but had no idea how heartbreaking it was going to be. But overall, I loved it. I enjoyed crying like a baby because it felt real.

After the movie, we came back to my house and started prepping for dinner. Our menu was steak, these potatoes (that I found on Pinterest!) and salad. The potatoes didn’t work out as expected, so we wrapped them in the bacon instead. They still weren’t perfect and I got a little cranky about it, but Erik asked gently if I was really going to let a few botched potatoes ruin my night, and so I got over it.

Later, we had cheesecake for dessert that I made because it’s our favorite. Throughout the evening we went through two bottles of wine… which we purchased on two separate trips to the liquor store. See, Erik decided to tell me after we checked out the first time that he thought we should’ve gone with the bigger bottle. Which meant we went back out fifteen minutes before it closed to get another bottle. We had lots of conversations because wine makes both of us a little more chatty and emotionally open, so that was really nice.

It was a wonderful Faux Valentine’s Day. We don’t usually do anything romantic on a regular basis and it was awesome to have a whole day dedicated to focusing on our relationship. Everything only reinforced how much I love him.

Birthday/Anniversary Weekend.

You know what happens when your anniversary falls three days before you birthday? You have a weekend jam-packed with amazingness, that’s what.

Festivities started on Thursday with a trip to NYC to go see the New York Rangers play. Had you told me a year ago that I’d be excited for a hockey game, I would’ve laughed in your face. Yet I was so thrilled, actually, that I kept forgetting the reason we were going to the game: to celebrate mine and Erik’s first anniversary, which was also on Thursday.

At least I got to see Lundqvist during warm-ups.

The game was so much fun. My favorite player – goalie Henrik Lundqvist – came out for warm-ups but then we realized he wouldn’t be playing because he’d be playing in a game the following night. I was thoroughly bummed out. But the evening was still exciting; the game went into overtime and the Rangers won it about three minutes in.

So excited!

Friday was mostly a low-key day. We slept in and ran errands for my party (ordering sandwiches and picking up beer and wine). Then, at my request, we decided to go ice skating with our friends at a local outdoor rink. Despite getting tired and dehydrated after an hour, it was still fantastic. I love ice skating because I find it so relaxing, and being on an outdoor rink made it that much better.

After spending a little too long lazily laying in bed Saturday morning, we finally got up and prepped for my party. People started arriving around 5pm and it was an absolute blast. It was so great because almost everyone I’d invited was able to make it; catching up with everyone and playing Wii games with them is always the best.

College girls, minus Danielle who was busy interviewing for residencies!

The boys, with whom I always neglect to take pictures. That's Kyle (Nat's fiance) and Matt (Melissa's fiance) in case the faces don't look familiar. They're both wonderful guys.

Being the birthday girl meant that everyone kept “pressuring” me to drink (it's in quotes because I gladly obliged). Every time my wine glass was low, my friends offered to fill it up – sometimes to the actual brim of the glass. With the exception of three glasses had by Melissa and Natalie, I drank the whole (large) bottle of wine myself. Surprisingly, I didn’t feel that drunk, just really sleepy by the time everyone headed out.

So classy. But really, I drank from a glass for most of the night - this was just for dramatic effect.

I can't say that Sunday morning was particularly fun, but it wasn't too bad. Meaning, there was minimal nausea/stomach upset; instead, I was exhausted and had a headache. The majority of my day was spent laying in bed with Erik, watching TV and just hanging out. He was kind enough to go get Dunkin Donuts for me at my request. We had Chili’s To-Go for dinner with my family (because I was not up for a dinner out, which was the original plan) and cupcakes to celebrate my actual birthday.

This weekend was a perfect kick-off to my year. I couldn't have asked for a better birthday or anniversary celebration; I'm so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life.

How was your weekend?

One Year.

 {March 2011; at Cortney's birthday party}

 One year ago today, I took a huge leap and jumped when I didn’t see any safety net beneath me.

Erik and I had only been on four ‘dates,’ one of which included a very memorable New Year’s Eve. Up until that point, I hadn’t fully figured out how I felt. I was letting myself go with the flow, not really concerned with having all the pieces put together. In the back of my mind, though, I was aware that things were moving super fast.

So when he asked me to be his girlfriend, I was surprised. But it took only a moment before I said ‘yes.’ It truly was the boldest – and by far the best – decision I made in 2011. And while I worry that sometimes I exaggerate, I feel that my life would be starkly different without him in it. I’ve become a better version of myself, some of which would’ve happened anyway, but having him by my side has only fueled my momentum.

I’ll share something I haven’t shared with too many people: this is my first time being really-and-truly in love. Looking back, I didn’t feel this way in my last relationship; I couldn’t tell you what I felt then, but I know it wasn’t this. This is love. This is the thing you can’t describe, the feeling you stop questioning because you just know. It makes me so blissfully happy at times that I hope it never stops.

So here’s to another wonderful year with my best friend, the person who makes me smile even when I don't want to, always makes me laugh (even when he's not funny), and treats me like a princess.

Love you always, babe.

{October 2011; Erik's birthday party}

Christmas Recap.

My Christmas was chaotic, but wonderful in every way.

The festivities began with a family party at my house on Saturday afternoon. It was quiet and relaxed, which is preferable because the following day is usually buzzing with excitement. We sat around chatting, taking pictures, and preparing a yummy dinner including – my favorite – kielbasa.

Dessert followed up dinner and included my favorite sprinkle cookies from the bakery in my parents’ hometown, where my aunt and grandparents still live. At that point the rest of the family – my uncle and his family – joined us with three more plates of dessert, including my aunt’s famous cream puffs. Holy sugar overload, batman.

Despite planning to leave for Erik’s house by 7pm, I didn’t pull out of the driveway until 9pm. The drive flew by and the next thing I knew, I was reunited with my love after more than a week apart (which sounds like nothing, but when you normally see one another twice a week, that’s a long time). Once I settled in, we exchanged gifts, cuddled while watching TV, and then fell asleep.

Morning came quickly and I was very excited to wake up, as evidenced by the fact that I was up at 9:30 and had to wait (almost like a little kid) until Erik decided to get out of bed at 10:30. Everyone had a delicious breakfast; I had cereal because I can’t eat a lot in the morning. Then we settled around the tree and I played Santa and handed out gifts. After that I was on my way out the door and heading home to quickly shower, get ready, and put together a brownie trifle for our second family party. It took longer than I expected – I’d taken a half-hour head start from Erik and when he arrived, I was still not dressed – but luckily my hair and makeup don’t take long.

 Seventeen people for dinner = one long table & disposable plates.

We arrived at my aunt’s house with plenty of time until dinner. I had time to breathe as I helped with dinner preparations and then we all sat down to another delicious meal. Then it was time for pictures and gifts!

Me and Lynds. Best friends!

Erik and I, yay!

All of the 'kids' - me and my cousins, along with Erik and family friend, Brian.
 

The rest of the evening was spent catching up with family members and noshing on a huge variety of desserts. We – Erik, me, and my brother – ended up staying last and having a three-hour chat with my aunt and cousins over various family issues. It was exhausting and a bit emotionally draining; when we arrived home, I was in a poor mood and thankfully Erik was here to comfort me.

It was such a fabulous weekend. I saw almost all of my family, got to spend time with Erik’s family, and spent the entirety of Christmas Day with Erik. I couldn’t have asked for a better Christmas.

I'm Thankful For...

Dishing about family drama, wine nights, and the Ke$ha concert with Lynds. Late nights, cooking dinner together, complaining about our parents, and the great wheelbarrow debacle with my brother.

Being asked to be a bridesmaid in my two best friends’ weddings. All of the wedding preparations for Danielle’s big day, then watching her marry her husband and seeing how happy they were. Being full-to-the-brim with love for my friends and the love that they’ve found. Bonding over pints of Chinese food, homemade Oreo cupcakes, games of Just Dance, take-out dinners from Chili’s, and unseasonal blizzards. Meeting dancers and being as excited as if they were celebrities.

The evolution of my relationship with Erik, from the adorably awkward and nervous beginning stages to the comfortable, amazing place we’re at now. Meeting his friends and loving all of them. Bringing him into my family and watching him get along with everyone. The opportunity to see him several times a week, including once-a-week sleepovers. How wonderful it feels to have his arms wrapped around me. His ability to make me smile and laugh even when I don’t want to.

VEDA. BEDS. #SummerofHarry. #twookclub. All of the new friends I made this year from all of those. Everyone who reads and comments on this blog. All my Twitter friends.

Letting go of some stress and anxiety. Being more relaxed and not thinking so much. Growing my nails out. Working more hours at my part-time job.

Feeling like my life is settling into place a bit more every day.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Special Birthday.

Today (by which I mean Sunday, because I accidentally posted on Saturday night) is a special day because it’s E’s birthday.

My fave picture of him, with my brother at Easter.

(While I’m at it, I may as well drop the ‘nickname’ considering I don’t think it’s an issue anymore – his actual name is Erik. Clearly, I’m super creative with my nicknames.)

I joked that he’s officially old, but he pointed out that that makes me really old, so I dropped it. In honor of his birthday, I want to share with you an excerpt from a journal entry I wrote on our six-month-versary. I got into this habit of writing ‘letters’ to him every once in a while (that he hasn’t read), so that’s why it’s written as if addressed to him. This piece is one I constantly go back to that so accurately describes how I feel about him and this relationship.

"When we started talking, I was broken. I had just begun to pick up the pieces and try to figure out how to put them back, all the while having to plaster on a grin and pretend everything was in order. Yes, I had my friends holding me up, but they were busy with their own lives. To be 100% honest with you, I felt a little helpless.

Most of all, though, I was at a point where I thought nobody was going to love me like this. And I worried that, even if I put myself back together the best I could, the cracks were going to stay and keep people away. My health and anxiety problems - even if I "fix" them - will likely always rear their ugly heads every once in a while, and it's scary to think about facing that alone for the rest of your life.

You proved me wrong. You proved me wrong at a time when I really needed to be proven wrong. You were the first person who didn't make a big deal out of my problems or judge me for them. You pushed them aside and found the true me underneath. I feel like others look at me and start thinking 'health problems, anxiety, no job, burdening her parents' - you saw through all of that and just saw me.

As much as I love you for all of that, don't think it's the only reason. I love you for all that you are - the charming, outgoing person who makes friends wherever he goes; the goofy, silly person who comes up with stupid jokes (that I laugh at anyway); the kind-hearted, caring person who listens to my crazy thoughts and gives me advice."

It’s incredibly sappy, I know, but it’s the honest truth. That’s why I can’t help doing all these celebratory things for his birthday. He’s so important in my life and I’m pouring all of my love into things – his party, our dinner out, and gifts – so that he understands that fact. If you were to ask him, he’d probably say he’s the lucky one here, but it’s really and truly me, I promise you that.

Happy birthday, love. ♥

Birthday Bash.

Hello and happy Friday!

My mind's been all over the place this week, which is why this little space has been quiet. I do, however, want to share with you a few pictures from E's birthday bash last weekend! It ended up being a smaller crowd - mostly his group of friends, since mine couldn't attend (though I did have a lovely dinner with Katie before the party began).

I was grateful for the smaller crowd and also that a few of the guests weren't super into drinking; it lessened the potential for someone to get crazy drunk, sick, or a combination of the two. Still, it was an incredibly fun and relatively crazy party. There was lots of laughter and lighthearted competition. The party started at 8pm and went until around 4am, so you can imagine the state that most of us were in by then.

But enough chatter - onto the pictures!

 The two pictures with E are from the very end of the night, when he kept drunkenly insisting that I kiss him while the picture was taken. I protested; we compromised. The middle picture is of the girls - E's roommate's girlfriend, me, and E's hometown friend's girlfriend.

We were playing Kings, and for those who've never played, just know that someone draws a card every turn and then has to slip it under the tab of a beer - whoever pops the tab has to drink it. E taunted me (and everyone else) the whole game, yet popped the tab all three times. In that last photo, we're laughing hysterically at something E did, though I can't specifically remember what.

 

And then he got a cupcake to the face, as is appropriate.

His birthday actually isn't until Sunday, so I'm taking him on a semi-fancy dinner date Saturday night. This was supposed to be in lieu of gifts, but I picked up a few gifts for him as well (that he already received, because I'm an impatient gift-giver).

Anyway, I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Wine and Love [Vol. 11].

hosted by Nora!

Filling my wine glass...

• My allergic reaction at the end of last week. It was so terrible, to the point that I wondered if I'd ever feel better again because it was going away so slowly. Plus, it completely ruined all of my weekend plans, which included a Devils game on Saturday with E and dress shopping with all of the bridesmaids for BFF Wedding #2 on Sunday. Such a bummer.
• Chipped nail polish. It's a stupid little thing, but this pretty purple nail polish I used is chipping like crazy!
• Feeling unmotivated. The allergic reaction sapped all of my energy, so the job hunt I was supposed to resume, the journaling I was supposed to do, and the general reorganization of my life never happened. I've been busy so far this week so nothing productive is getting done and I just feel incredibly lazy.

Filling my heart...

• On Monday, E and I were texting each other and realized we both didn't have anything to do, so I suggested he come over and he did! We usually plan things in advance and rarely decide on a whim to hang out, so it was nice - plus, I'm glad he's so close by that we can have impromptu date nights.
• Going to the So You Think You Can Dance tour on Tuesday night with Ashley and Cortney! The show was fantastic and, as usual, we waited outside to meet the dancers afterwords. So much fun.
• Dress shopping with Danielle. For Natalie's wedding (which is in April), we got to pick between three different styles for our bridesmaid dresses. Since I missed Sunday's outing and Danielle was still undecided, we met up at the David's Bridal near us yesterday afternoon and picked our styles.
• This weekend, my parents are going away, so I'm throwing a (small) house party for E's birthday. It's going to be your typical house party, but since I wasn't an avid party-goer in high school and my parents rarely go away, I've never done this before. I feel very rebellious. But, I'm mostly excited because I think it's going to be a lot of fun.
• Finally being able to take hot showers again! For the few days when my hives were really bad (Thursday, Friday, and Saturday), I had to take cool-to-lukewarm showers or baths because I didn't want to the hives to get worse. I typically take really hot showers, so when I finally got to turn the temperature back to my 'normal' level on Sunday, I was so happy.
• Getting Melissa's save-the-date in the mail yesterday!

I Like Bullet-Point Lists.

{♥}

• I went to see Lion King 3D last night with one of E's friends from school - his roommate's girlfriend - since the boys didn't care to see it. It was so much fun to re-watch the movie -- we'd both forgotten a lot, except for all the lyrics to all the songs, to which we both shamelessly sang along. It was also really cool that we decided to go together, because we're friends by association. Usually we all just hang out in a group when I go to visit, so it was really great to step out of that setting and actually be friends with E's friends, instead of just being a tag-along because I'm his girlfriend (if that makes any sense at all).

• Tonight I made hot chocolate and decided to add a few dashes of pumpkin pie spice. It's so yummy and a perfect substitute for a pumpkin spice latte when I don't want coffee (or can't afford to buy one every time I want it).

• I'm finally getting around to decorating my room. It was supposed to get done when I finished painting a month ago, but a lot of things kept going wrong. Mostly, none of the wall mounting stickers (3-M and Scotch brands) wanted to stay stuck to my walls. But, I put together the clothesline-like display for my pictures and it looks fab. I can't wait to share some pictures, probably later this week!

Hope everyone's having a great weekend!

Rainy Tuesday.

Today, I'm sick. My stomach's giving me hell, more so than it usually does.

(Perhaps this weekend's diet consisting solely of sub sandwiches, Taco Bell, and fried Oreos was a poor combination.)

So while I catch up on reading (Catching Fire and L.A. Candy) and potentially find enough energy to do the chores I'm supposed to be doing, you can take a gander at a few more wedding pictures -- this time, they actually all include me! Because that's all you care about anyway, right?

Waiting for the bride to make her entrance.

 Relaxing with the girls in the bridal suite!

 Me and E at dinner - the only picture we thought to take together.

{taken by Natalie}

Happy Photos.

As I mentioned on Sunday, I'm challenging myself to blog every day in September (BEDS). I'm following this list of prompts for when I find myself in need of a topic; today is one of those days.

Day 07 → A photo that makes you happy

I'm cheating and doing two:

 My best friends.

The only trip we ever took, just the three of us. We went to the shore and hit up the beach, of course. I found a patch of super-flat sand and suggested we make footprints, but then someone suggested handprints and they turned out much better. They are the best friends I never had growing up; to come across both of them at the same time (spring semester of sophomore year of college) and develop this long-lasting friendship with them is truly incredible.

The night it all began with E.

This was after he cornered me to talk to me and get my number. I felt so incredibly awkward in this picture because we were trying to pretend we hadn't just had a private, flirty, twenty-minute conversation in the middle of the party. He randomly sat down next to me and I remember having butterflies rocketing around my stomach. Looking at this picture reminds me of that feelings and makes me see how far we've come, and I can't stop a big silly grin from crossing my face.

Where I've Been.

At the Ke$ha concert last Friday with Lynds and two of her friends.

I’ve become inadvertently pretty busy these days, except not with anything super crazy. It’s a mix of the following:

• VEDA (Vlog Every Day in August). Not that making videos itself takes a lot of time, but editing them takes a bit of time and watching and commenting on others’ videos takes up a bunch of time. When I’m not reading blogs, I’m watching vlogs. (And loving it, by the way.) Check out my channel here.
  
  
• Wedding fever. Okay, I know I mention the upcoming wedding of one of my best friends a lot, but you must understand that I am wedding obsessed in general, and this is the first wedding I've actually attended, never mind the fact that it's someone to whom I am really close. Being a bridesmaid is a lot of fun for me, and I’ve been busy with dress fittings, finding shoes, finding a good strapless bra (arguably the hardest part), putting together a special gift, and planning the logistics of that weekend.
  
  
• Time with friends. I’ve recently: had a girls night with Lyndsay; seen the Glee 3D movie with Ashley; baked cupcakes and gushed about wedding details with Melissa; went to a Ke$ha concert with Lyndsay and her friends; watched the SYTYCD finale with Ashley.
  
  
• Time with E. I typically spend at least half of every weekend with him, since that’s the only time I get to see him. Luckily, he’ll be back at school starting next week, meaning he’ll be a twenty minute drive from me! Of course, that likely just means we’ll spend more time together.
  
  
• Working and doing chores. I’ve been doing my best to pick up as many hours as possible at my part-time job so I can keep up with wedding costs. The job hunt is on hold because I'm trying to keep my anxiety levels low as we get into the last two weeks leading up to the wedding. Also, in lieu of paying my parents rent, I do odd jobs around the house. Recently I let my hours fall by the wayside (I’m supposed to clock five per week), so I’ve been doing a ton of things from yard work to scrubbing the shower to re-painting the banisters.

So basically, life got in the way of blogging. Which is totally acceptable, but I miss it a lot. Once VEDA ends and the wedding is over (in two weeks!), I should be back to a more normal posting schedule.

In the meantime, tell me what you've been up to! I've been trying to stay up-to-date on blogs, but catch me up anyway.

Someone on my side.

{♥}
For most of my adult life, I’ve been looking for support from those around me, the lack of which has attributed to my low self-esteem. I have parents who rarely say ‘good job,’ so I never felt successful and feel I never will be. I had an ex-boyfriend who would try to hold my hand through everything, making me feel like I couldn't do things on my own.

My parents are not the greatest motivators, nor are they good at being supportive; they’re much better at pointing out my shortcomings than my accomplishments. My ex-boyfriend – whom I only mention because there should be a certain level of support in a relationship – was intent on ‘helping’ and ‘fixing’ things, becoming overly-involved in my quests to get healthy and find a job. It reached a point where he would become disappointed and resentful when I didn’t make a sufficient amount of progress, which eventually became one of the reasons our relationship didn’t last.

Until recently, the only taste I'd had of true encouragement is from my friends, particularly my four best friends from college. They give me a pat on the back for a job well done, even for the smallest things, and have been incredibly supportive despite the mess my life has been for the past few years. Unfortunately, I don't talk to or see them on a daily basis and they are incredibly busy with their own lives, so I don't have them cheering me on in my day-to-day life.

That all changed when I started dating E. Even before we were officially a couple, I casually mentioned that I struggle with health and anxiety issues; his immediate response was to tell me he wanted to be there for me (although I attribute some of that to him wanting to win me over). But since then, I've realized he truly means it. The greatest example came the other day, when I was working on my job search. I wasn’t even applying to jobs yet, just looking up possibilities, but when I told E what I was up to he sent me a couple of encouraging texts. They were simple messages, like ‘keep it up’ and ‘I’ll be here to support you,’ yet they had such an incredible impact.

I can remember telling my ex countless times, “I need you to get out of problem-solving mode and stop ‘helping,’ I just need you to be there for me and listen and say ‘good job’ every once in a while.” He could never do it. Over and over I argue with my parents, pleading with them to stop pointing out all of my downfalls and recognize a job well done. They can't do it.

So when, on a random weekday afternoon, my boyfriend texted me to essentially say you’ve got this and I’ve got your back, I could’ve cried. I actually am crying as I type this. Because that’s what I’ve been missing and that’s what I’ve really needed. Because someone said outright that they know I’m capable of something, they trust I can do it on my own, but that they are there for me to lean on as I go along. Because it is exactly what I’ve been asking of people my entire life.

I didn’t intend on this post coinciding with an anniversary of sorts, but it was actually around this time last year that E first approached me to hang out. Of course, I said no the first time, mainly because I felt my life was in complete shambles and I was in no condition to be in a relationship. Little did I realize that he was going to be the one to help me put everything back together again.

wine and love [vol. 6].

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Hand me the wine glass...

• For whatever reason, we've had an influx of bugs in our house. Not a crazy amount - it's not like we have an infestation or need to call an exterminator - but over the past week, there have been about four or five, found either in the den or my bedroom. They're all the same type of bug and I'm getting really tired of them flying around suddenly and scaring the crap out of me.
  
  
• When I was painting my room, I did a sloppy job around the edges and got some of the purple paint I was using on the ceiling. So, I went to touch it up... only to find out it's not the same color. I thought my ceiling was white, but I was mistaken, because I touched it up with white and the shades don't match. Which means I get to repaint the whole thing, and that's just a royal pain in the ass.
  
  
• I weighed myself the other day and I it turns out I lost about three pounds since last month. The reason this is on the wine list is because I really shouldn't be losing weight -- I'm already skinny as it is and dipping below the 120-pound mark (I'm 5'7") makes me uncomfortable. More worrisome is that I can't tell if it's from changing my eating habits (more fruits/veggies/protein and less pasta/bread) or if my IBS is getting that bad that I'm losing weight from it, which really wouldn't be good.
  

Things I'm loving...

• I've reached this point in my relationship with E where... I feel really secure, I guess is the best way to put it. I've stopped waiting for the other shoe to drop and wondering if my quirks or flaws are going to drive him away. It's a really great feeling.
  
  
• Speaking of my relationship, sometimes I still have to pinch myself to make sure this is real life. I'm a pretty lucky girl, I must say (and a happy one, too).
  
  
• I applied for my dream job last week. It involves working with students on a college campus to plan activities and events, which is basically what I was doing in college (I was part of the Residence Hall Association). And the icing on the cake? I would get free housing... and the campus is mere minutes away from E's house. Obviously I'm most excited about the job, but I can't help adding an extra bit of giddiness at the prospect of living about twenty minutes from my boyfriend. Please cross your fingers that I get an interview and that they love me!
  
  
• Aside from the mismatched ceiling paint, I absolutely love the color I picked for my room. Eventually I'll stop being lazy and take some pictures to compare the before and after.
  
  
• Even though we've had really hot weather here, I've been able to manage without air conditioning at night. Instead, I open my window, put on my fan for a breeze, and fall asleep to the peaceful sound of the crickets chirping outside.
  
  
• I picked up my shoes for BFF Wedding #1 (which is the nickname I've given Danielle's wedding in September; #2 is Natalie's in April, and #3 is Melissa's). I welcome any opportunity where new shoes are a necessity, because then I don't feel guilty about buying them.