where i am.

So.

I had complete emotional and mental breakdown on Friday. It was ugly. I was crying and screaming so much that I was hoarse for the rest of the night. It got so bad that I actually had to stop because I felt faint.

It felt good to let it out, but considering it was my mother and brother listening to my complaints, I knew I wasn't going to get the sympathetic response I wanted. Our family lacks that emotional bond - we communicate mostly through sarcastic remarks and jokes. That's part of what had been getting to me, seeing as any progress I made was ignored, but if I tripped up with my sleeping or my diet, judgment would be passed in a jeering comment. As much as I was glad to offer them a real explanation, I could still use a few nice words and a hug.

The problem with complaining to them is that they also make it perfectly clear that all my problems are my own and can only be fixed by me. While I'm completely aware of that fact, I would've liked at least a little sympathy that things suck right now that are a bit beyond my control. I have a habit of blaming everyone and everything for my problems instead of myself, and because of that, my parents have taken to blaming ONLY me for any of my problems. There's no middle ground, and it's frustrating, because I certainly didn't wish anxiety or IBS onto myself.

After explaining everything in a little more detail, it's becoming clearer that my anxiety is playing a bigger part in all of this than I would like to admit. For my entire life, I've experienced all my stress in my gut. Every holiday, family gathering, class trip or major event in school, or presentation in college, I would wake up feeling sick and a bit flustered. When I was healthy, I was able to calm myself by taking some deep breaths and mentally talking my nerves down. The problem now is that my anxiety is compounded with a stomach that isn't functioning right, so everything is made worse. And when I think about it, the worst parts of being sick are the instances where I'm stressed out - I can't go anywhere without knowing that there will be accessible bathrooms both at the location and on the trip there. It's gotten so bad that I even get nervous when driving the fifteen minutes to Target.

I've always known, even if just in the back of my mind, that my anxiety was playing a part here. But I kept convincing myself that if I got the illness under control first, then I would stop having a horrible time driving places and attending events because my stomach wouldn't be flipping out every ten minutes. It seems, though, that I really have to consider working on the anxiety alongside my health, because I think the anxiety has just gotten worse since I've been sick.

This whole thing has taken so much energy out of me, and honestly, I've probably been struggling with depression lately. I spend almost all of my time at home, only going out to see The Boy or to go to work. Any event that I do go to, I stress and worry about it. Just this weekend, I drove to my college campus to visit my cousin and go to a party. It's an hour drive, one I'm familiar with and that is on a main road with plenty of gas stations and stores, just in case I need to stop. The entire drive down was miserable and I had to stop once. When I finally got to campus, I spent fifteen minutes in the student center because I had to use the restroom again and I was getting nervous about actually going into my cousin's dorm. Then, even after the visit went well, I spent another ten minutes debating about even going to the party. Finally I gave in, but I was still feeling less than pleasant.

The most frustrating and depressing aspect of this entire situation is that I used to be fine. I used to go to parties, events, and family gatherings with no issue. I used to drive around for hours without stopping anywhere. Now I feel so limited with what I can do, especially when I'm with other people. But I'm hoping to use my frustration as motivation to do everything in my power to make this better. I'm fixing my sleep, going on an even stricter diet, and working on my anxiety. I want to be normal again, because this? Right now? Really, really sucks.

torn.

I always tell people that I don't really recognize that everyone's getting older until I take a look at people who are younger than me. I definitely don't see it in my own life, but that's probably because I'm experiencing it, so it's hard to remember myself at different stages. It doesn't really hit me with people older than me, either.

But when I see my neighbors - my former babysitting clients - and am informed that the youngest is no longer in kindergarten but going to middle school next year, it's a bit of a shock. The same happened when my other neighbor got her license, or when I realize that my cousin is going to college next year. It catches me a little off guard.

On Saturday we had a graduation party for my cousin, Lynds. She's become such a different person lately, and although I can't really say I'm happy with all of it, she is such a determined individual. Her major? Education of the deaf and blind, with a concentration in sociology. Damn. She's always been awesome with kids and has always wanted to be a teacher, so that part doesn't come as a surprise. But to me, it takes a lot of courage and a special kind of person to branch out into teaching students with special needs.

That being said, I've been frustrated recently with the person she's become around her friends. Since we've always been really close, it's sometimes hard for me to realize she is only eighteen, and that she's going to go through different phases, especially in high school. It hurts because nine times out of ten, she chooses friends over family. She used to be all about family, but now she seems to find us boring. At family functions, she's always texting her friends, hoping to get away from the party early to go hang out with friends.

It wouldn't bother me as much if it weren't for all the pictures that pop up on Facebook that show me that she hasn't picked up the best of habits. It's not the drinking that gets to me, because I get that. Even though I didn't drink in high school, I'm not a Judgy McJudgerson about it. She has, however, picked up smoking. And well, I can't say I'm super happy about it. I've asked my friends, my brother, and my mom about it, and they all give me differing opinions.

My feeling on the matter is that it's a temporary thing. Whether that's me in denial or being extra hopeful, I keep telling myself that it's not something she is looking to continue. So, I've chosen not to say anything. I don't want to confront her about it only to be snapped at because I jumped to conclusions or am telling her what to do.

I feel so stuck, because outwardly, we still act like we're super close. However, I am completely aware (and she has to be, too) that we're not close at all anymore. She's turned into someone I can't relate to, and since she's too busy to hang out, we don't have any opportunity to really talk and connect anymore. I know nothing about her life because she knows I didn't do any of this stuff at her age, so she never really shares anything with me. She thinks I'm just the boring older cousin who wouldn't understand. It hurts more than I'd like to admit, but I feel like even if I explained it to her, nothing would change. She would understand what I'm saying and feel bad, and possibly try to arrange a few more hang-outs every month out of guilt, but it wouldn't really change her back to who she used to be.

So here I am, proud of who she is on the inside, unhappy about who she acts like on the outside, and crossing my fingers that she'll gain a little wisdom and maturity when she gets to college. Until then, I'll take from our friendship what I can get, even if it's only little bits and pieces right now.