Monday, October 8, 2012

Sick Day.


Today, I took a mental-health-slash-legitimate-sick day. Last night I was up way too late having an emotional breakdown, this morning I woke up an hour before my alarm, and when I finally got out of bed, I felt lightheaded and my stomach was killing me. I was willing to push through those first two things, but when I realized I was feeling physically sick, I decided to call out.

It’s not a decision I make lightly. Taking sick days seems frowned upon – they’d rather have advanced notice – so I’m worried about being reprimanded for it. But it was something I needed, not only because I’m sick but because I’m exhausted.

I hate getting negative here because it starts to sound like my life is sad and dreary all the time. Most days, probably 90% of the time, I have a positive attitude – I've settled into my job and schedule, my weekends are fun-filled, and I feel like I have some of my free time back. Everything is peachy.

But every once in a while, particularly on Sunday nights, everything piles up all at once. It starts with one bad feeling or thought and a chain reaction starts. And usually, that starting point is when Erik and I go our separate ways after the weekend is over.

I wish we could live closer so that we didn't have to wait until weekends to see each other.

I wish we could actually live together so I could see him every day.

I start to think about planning to make that a reality, but then realize with my current job, I probably can’t save enough money.

I get depressed that I have a low-salary job.

I get frustrated that I can’t control my spending.

I get annoyed that I don’t have the courage/energy/willpower to look for a new job.

I become defeated because I don’t even know what job I would get.

I start planning other ways to save money, but realize the holidays are coming up and I have to buy gifts.

I get mad because I’m always going over the top with gifts for others and those people rarely come up to my level.

I start noticing that nobody in my life equally reciprocates what I do for them. Even Erik.

That’s what everything devolved into last night: nobody cares about me as much as I care about them, I’ll be stuck at home forever, and I’m never going to find a worthwhile job. Last night was particularly emotional because of family drama that makes me uncomfortable and even more restless to get out of this house.

I’m feeling better about these things now; I don’t feel like nobody cares or that I’ll be stuck here forever. I am, however, emotionally and physically drained from staying up late thinking about and getting upset over these things. I needed today to sleep in, drink tea, and take care of myself so that I can work on real solutions to these problems.

P.S. – Please don’t see this as a cry for pity. I feel like with every additional negative post, I’m creating a case for wanting attention and/or advice. This is simply an expression of my emotions; as I mentioned last week, I know that the best resolution for most of these things is talking to a therapist, which I hope to start looking into soon.