Sunday, October 16, 2011

Special Birthday.

Today (by which I mean Sunday, because I accidentally posted on Saturday night) is a special day because it’s E’s birthday.

My fave picture of him, with my brother at Easter.

(While I’m at it, I may as well drop the ‘nickname’ considering I don’t think it’s an issue anymore – his actual name is Erik. Clearly, I’m super creative with my nicknames.)

I joked that he’s officially old, but he pointed out that that makes me really old, so I dropped it. In honor of his birthday, I want to share with you an excerpt from a journal entry I wrote on our six-month-versary. I got into this habit of writing ‘letters’ to him every once in a while (that he hasn’t read), so that’s why it’s written as if addressed to him. This piece is one I constantly go back to that so accurately describes how I feel about him and this relationship.

"When we started talking, I was broken. I had just begun to pick up the pieces and try to figure out how to put them back, all the while having to plaster on a grin and pretend everything was in order. Yes, I had my friends holding me up, but they were busy with their own lives. To be 100% honest with you, I felt a little helpless.

Most of all, though, I was at a point where I thought nobody was going to love me like this. And I worried that, even if I put myself back together the best I could, the cracks were going to stay and keep people away. My health and anxiety problems - even if I "fix" them - will likely always rear their ugly heads every once in a while, and it's scary to think about facing that alone for the rest of your life.

You proved me wrong. You proved me wrong at a time when I really needed to be proven wrong. You were the first person who didn't make a big deal out of my problems or judge me for them. You pushed them aside and found the true me underneath. I feel like others look at me and start thinking 'health problems, anxiety, no job, burdening her parents' - you saw through all of that and just saw me.

As much as I love you for all of that, don't think it's the only reason. I love you for all that you are - the charming, outgoing person who makes friends wherever he goes; the goofy, silly person who comes up with stupid jokes (that I laugh at anyway); the kind-hearted, caring person who listens to my crazy thoughts and gives me advice."

It’s incredibly sappy, I know, but it’s the honest truth. That’s why I can’t help doing all these celebratory things for his birthday. He’s so important in my life and I’m pouring all of my love into things – his party, our dinner out, and gifts – so that he understands that fact. If you were to ask him, he’d probably say he’s the lucky one here, but it’s really and truly me, I promise you that.

Happy birthday, love. ♥