Wednesday, May 4, 2011

the luckiest.


I always get nervous about posting mushy things around here and the reasons are two-fold. One, even though I love reading and hearing about love, I know some people just roll their eyes and make gagging sounds when they come across it and I don't want to cause that reaction. Two, as much as I want to share, I don’t want to over-share, because that could end up being embarrassing.

But you know what? I can’t help it. Normally I would cringe at how open I'm going to be in this post because I'm afraid that talking about all of it will jinx it. I worry that I'll sound silly and naïve, that I shouldn't feel so strongly about a relationship that hasn't even made it to six months yet, that as soon as I put these thoughts into the universe, everything is going to stop being so awesome. Not this time. Whether it lasts another month, another year, or a lifetime, I'm going to embrace my current feelings and share them with you, because when something is making me this happy, it's worth sharing.

The past couple of weekends with E have been nothing short of fabulous. There have been a lot of successful meetings of friends and family, but it’s not only that. Yes, it’s really awesome knowing that everyone is getting along, but even better are the little things changing and growing between the two of us.

I could feel myself falling for him quite a while back, because I tend to love big and without abandon. However, I kept that a closely-guarded secret, not spilling to a single person (not a single one! It was hard, you guys). I needed to be as sure as I could that he felt the same, which is difficult because there are some things about which I cannot know everything, and another person's feelings are one of those things.

That was the reason for all my angst-filled, emotional days last month – I was struggling with how I felt, how I thought he felt, if they really needed to match up, and my ever-present paranoia (which I’m learning to ignore more and more). And then, one night as I was fighting that paranoia and negativity, it hit me like a bolt of lightning, and I knew. I know how terribly cliché that sounds, but I don’t have any other way to explain it.

Everything feels so different this time around. Of course, I only have one other experience to compare it to, but I have this gut feeling that this is out of the ordinary. When we’re at a party and he comes up to me just to say hi, give me a kiss on the cheek and lip sync to whatever song is playing, I melt. He holds my hand while I'm driving during our many road trips. Whenever he compliments me, I can hear the sincerity in his voice and I get the biggest, silliest smile on my face. It's taken no time at all for him to become one of my biggest supporters, reminding me to think less, go with my gut, and have more confidence in myself. I still get butterflies when we kiss and when he tells me he loves me.

He's really everything I could ever want. He makes me laugh, he's fun to hang out with, and he gets along with pretty much everyone in my life. He's aware of my health and anxiety issues and doesn't make a big deal out of them, but at the same time he gently pushes me out of my comfort zone. He can joke around and poke fun at me, and in the next moment we'll be having a heart-to-heart conversation. We have just as much fun watching movies and game shows while eating Chinese food as we do at a crazy house party or out for drinks with friends. He always makes sure that I'm okay, whether it's checking with me about how long I want to stay somewhere or simply making sure I'm having fun.

Most importantly, though, is that he counters my two biggest flaws: putting myself down and caring about everyone else before myself . Now I have someone who builds me up both intentionally and through random compliments; I have somebody who cares about me and makes sure I'm happy. And honestly, I couldn't ask for anything more than that.