Tuesday, April 5, 2011

dear diary.


I'm the queen of recording and analyzing my life, so it's no surprise that I have three separate places where I write out my thoughts. There's this blog, of course, where I analyze some of my feelings, talk about a specific topic or tell a story. I have a private blog online where I record my day-to-day activities, because that can get tedious to read for anyone but me. The third is my handwritten diary, which is obviously the most private of all, and is filled with undeveloped thoughts and ramblings. But that's where most of my "ah-ha" moments come from.

Last night I was still trying to figure out this melancholy feeling that's been following me around since last week. I was scribbling down ideas in my purple, floral-print, spiral-bound notebook that I call my diary, but none of them pinpointed the problem. Then, in the middle of one sentence, a thought crossed my mind, and suddenly it clicked.

My problem is that, in my relationship (and even occasionally in my friendships), I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. At any given time, I believe that I am too quirky, weird, bitchy, and/or messed up, to the point that I don't deserve friendship or love. Even though people express that they love and care about me, I keep waiting for the day that they realize how screwed up I am.

With my friendships, I've learned to cope with this and realize it's a silly (and irrational) fear. When I have a low moment, I can prove my fear wrong by recalling specific events and things that were said. But when it comes to my relationship, one that's only three months old, it's not that easy. Considering I truly believe that I'm not as intelligent, nice, personable, or enjoyable to be around as everyone seems to think I am, it's hard not to expect someone to walk out of my life.

There isn't much to be done about it - our relationship is still on the new-ish side and while I long for us to reach that point where I don't have this fear looming over my head every day, it's something that's only going to improve with time. For now, I just have to work on my confidence and ignore my instinct to distrust and discount anything nice E says to me.

I always knew I had an issue with this, but I never realized how much I obsess over this fear of abandonment until it all came pouring out onto the pages of my diary. It's proof that I should make a better habit of clearing out my thoughts by writing in it as often as possible, because I'm more likely to solve some internal struggles in the process.

Do you keep a handwritten journal or diary?