Tuesday, April 20, 2010

not quite there yet.

Sometimes I miss him, most times not. And, it's not necessarily missing him - I miss things. I miss the drive to his house, his quirky parents, playing Yahtzee and baking snickerdoodles. I miss watching Mythbusters together and having sleepovers at my house. I feel like that's not really missing him, but the experiences we had together. Or are those one in the same?

The other day I looked back on some early e-mails, the ones where we had big disagreements and wrote long e-mails back and forth. They made me so angry. We started our relationship on really shaky footing and unfortunately, the issues we had left most of my friends and family with a bad taste in their mouths. I was angry at him for being that way, angry at myself for not standing up for my side of things and instead going to my family and friends to complain. I was angry it even mattered at all - that the opinions of the people closest to me mattered even though they didn't know the whole story.

On the other hand, I sometimes feel like I'm throwing all the goodness away, that I'm only seeing the bad and not enough of the good that's truly there. There's a lot of good there that I'm just tossing aside with the hopes that something better will come along. I'm afraid that the risk of losing him is too high considering the amount of confidence I have in finding someone who clicks better with me, which is very low.

So, I'm mostly confused. I'm not sad anymore, at least not most of the time, but I can't figure out where I stand. It's somewhere in between being over him and not, being ready to be friends and not, missing him and not. It's been three weeks now and I guess this is a good place to be - getting there, but not quite there yet (wherever "there" is).