Thursday, April 1, 2010

day 3.

I've been trying to write a post in my head over the past few days, but I don't really have much to say. What I do want to say is that I am so thankful to anyone who commented on the last post or tweeted me. I really, truly appreciate it. Cookies and hugs for all! (Except not real cookies, because I can't send them through the internet. I would totally bake some for you, though.)

So the obvious question is, how am I? I'm okay and not okay. I'm sad and happy. Everything's normal, yet everything is different. I check my phone too many times over the course of a day, expecting a text message. It's a little harder to fall asleep at night and sometimes a little harder to get up in the morning, but otherwise my days floats by as it always has, filled with chores and wasting away time on the internet.

When there's a noticeable, tangible difference in the course of my day, I definitely feel it. The missing text messages suck. Not having a blinking IM box at the bottom of my screen sucks. He was that one person who I was always in contact with and it's a stark difference from my communication with my other friends, which has always been irregular and unscheduled - I don't have another friend with whom I exchange daily text messages or nightly Skype calls. That's the hardest because that's a big gap that I can't fill with something or somebody else.

My lack of sadness is probably a little bit of denial mixed with my desire to avoid feeling bad for myself. It's only the third day in, so it hasn't really hit me that this really happened. We made the decision to avoid contacting each other for a month so that we can process the breakup and come back with the fresh outlook of being friends. Maybe I'll start to feel it after another week or so, or, maybe I won't.

On top of that, I'm the kind of person that hates having a pity party for myself because of what it does to me. I had a few of those moments in the past six months about my health, and it's not a good place for me. Everything negative about my life springs up in my mind and I eventually turn those into irrational predictions about my life (like, I kept thinking that I was always going to be sick, that my friends would get tired of coming to my house, and I'd be friendless forever and ever).

So, that's where it stands. Don't worry, I'm not going to talk about this to death because wouldn't that be terribly boring. In other news, the weather has been delicious and I am absolutely loving it. Seventy degrees?! More, please!