Sunday, January 10, 2010


On Friday I threw myself a birthday party. We had sub sandwiches and margaritas, played NES and Wii Mario Kart, and watched ridiculous YouTube videos. During and immediately after the party, I thought it a success.

But slowly, a sadness crept into my mind. What I had hoped the party would do for me didn't happen. I placed too much importance on it. I figured seeing all my friends would lift my spirits, make me feel better, or at least distract me for a night. Distract me it did, but not very well.

Catching up with everyone was a double-edged sword. It was wonderful to hear what they were doing, but with every new story, my heart hurt at the fact that I had nothing to share. Nobody really asked me what I was up to, probably because they all know I'm not up to much. And I can understand that - why discuss my problems on my birthday, a day when I'm supposed to be happy?

I felt mostly detached from everyone. Yes, I laughed at the boys being excited for NES, or at Melissa attempting to play Super Mario 3. I got excited over my presents and serving our margaritas with umbrella straws. But there were little moments, when everyone was talking to each other, telling stories about jobs and classes, when I felt completely alone.

That is, I've decided, the worst part of all of this. In a group of people where everyone is moving forward - especially among my friends where they're moving in leaps and bounds - I am standing achingly still. I'm the single person that is faltering, who's stuck with poor health and an unclear view of what path to take.

I hate saying all of this, I really do, because I know my friends read this blog. It isn't really their fault, but I know it would make them sad to know that I was unhappy. But I have to be honest with both myself and those around me. The problem is, simply, that nobody could've given me what I wanted for my birthday. Relief from my anxiety and health problems isn't exactly something you can wrap up in a box and hand to someone.

The bottom line is that I hoped this party would be something it never could have been. I correlated seeing my friends with feeling better without realizing that venting was a key part of the process, and obviously I wasn't going to have a mental breakdown at my own birthday party.

I'm trying to see my party for the success that it was, but I'm still finding it difficult. When this moment passes, as I'm sure it will, I'll have a recap of how it went. For now you can check out Melissa's little review, which I actually quite liked.