all we can do

One thing I've learned about myself in recent years is that I hate the end of things. When I was in high school, I went through a phase where holidays would come to an end, and I would almost feel like crying. Sometimes I think I actually did, too.

Today was one of those days. Today was what was probably my last dance recital, at least for a while, if not forever. And as usual, the reality of it has just set in.

I picked up my iPod, and staring back at me on the screen the words read "Cait's solo 2008." And I'm crying. Performing all of my dances became my day-to-day routine. To realize that they've been performed and that there won't be any more practice.. it's upsetting to me. Milestone recitals always have this effect on me. When I "graduated" my dance school in 2005, I was a happy camper all day. I didn't shed a tear until my friends left that night, at which point I completely broke down.

This year is even worse, and yet I'm less upset. There's talk that the studio will continue, but I don't think it really will. Even if it does, we're losing even more people. Just in these past two or three years, I have become much closer to the girls who are there now than I was to my fellow classmates when I attended every week. At dance, you let go - you don't care about what you say or do. So everyone gets to know each other on a very, very personal level, and you feel such a strong connection to everyone.

It was just a big blur of a day. Waking up, getting ready, getting there, setting up.. the actual show goes by in what feels like a ten minutes. The party was quick too, and they didn't play Last Dance as our last song. But you know what? I had an absolutely amazing day, and that's all that counts. My cousin and my roommates - three of my best friends - were there to see me in my element. My boyfriend sent me flowers. My dancers were just as crazy and fun as they always are. I'm a very happy girl right now, and maybe that's why I'm finding it so hard to realize that it's all really over.