Sometimes I miss him, most times not. And, it's not necessarily missing him - I miss things. I miss the drive to his house, his quirky parents, playing Yahtzee and baking snickerdoodles. I miss watching Mythbusters together and having sleepovers at my house. I feel like that's not really missing him, but the experiences we had together. Or are those one in the same?
The other day I looked back on some early e-mails, the ones where we had big disagreements and wrote long e-mails back and forth. They made me so angry. We started our relationship on really shaky footing and unfortunately, the issues we had left most of my friends and family with a bad taste in their mouths. I was angry at him for being that way, angry at myself for not standing up for my side of things and instead going to my family and friends to complain. I was angry it even mattered at all - that the opinions of the people closest to me mattered even though they didn't know the whole story.
On the other hand, I sometimes feel like I'm throwing all the goodness away, that I'm only seeing the bad and not enough of the good that's truly there. There's a lot of good there that I'm just tossing aside with the hopes that something better will come along. I'm afraid that the risk of losing him is too high considering the amount of confidence I have in finding someone who clicks better with me, which is very low.
So, I'm mostly confused. I'm not sad anymore, at least not most of the time, but I can't figure out where I stand. It's somewhere in between being over him and not, being ready to be friends and not, missing him and not. It's been three weeks now and I guess this is a good place to be - getting there, but not quite there yet (wherever "there" is).
Showing posts with label breakup. Show all posts
Showing posts with label breakup. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
realization.
It's taken me a little over a week, but reality has finally settled comfortably into my mind regarding my break-up. I can't really tell you if the past week and a half was denial - to me, it was just a lack of realization. The Boy and I had had breaks in the past, so it just felt like another one of those. Obviously I knew it wasn't the same, but there was nothing that was making this time different.
Yesterday we talked for the first time since we broke up. The deal was that we wouldn't, but somehow we ended up on gchat at three in the morning. I don't regret it; I feel like it brought some closure to everything. It didn't happen immediately - at first I was angry because he felt better after talking, but I still clung to my emotions. Part of me wanted to stay hurt, confused and sad, because I'm stubborn like that.
He told me things that have made him feel better, like focusing on bettering his life, realizing we don't know what the future holds, and understanding that this break up was bound to happen sooner or later. Mentally, I kicked and screamed at that, calling it a bunch of bullshit. I wanted so badly to hold onto my thought that maybe this was all a big mistake. I was livid. He went to bed happy and here I was, restless and bitterly crying into my pillow.
It was already 4am by the time our talk was over and I spent a good hour moping around my room. I wasn't the least bit tired, so I distracted myself with a workout and breakfast. When I came back to my room, I was still sad but was at least ready to sleep. I could very well have stayed up - in fact, I should have because I was supposed to work - but I knew I would keep feeling miserable and it would get worse as I stayed up longer without sleep. So I had another train wreck day where I slept well into the late afternoon hours.
I felt incredibly guilty doing this again, because this is exactly what I did the day after our break up. I didn't feel like another day like this was warranted. In the end, though, it was the best thing I could have done. I woke up feeling a lot better, with all the things he'd said the night before settling into my heart. The permanence was clearer and the fact that it wasn't a mistake and that we weren't getting back together anytime soon was made more concrete in my mind.
I think that today, I'm emotionally where I thought I was going to be last week. Last night was when I felt absolutely inconsolable, when I wanted my friends to cry to and hug. Today I'm much less upset, but I'm finally at the point where I feel like it's really over. And although it's sad, it's a peaceful place to be.
Yesterday we talked for the first time since we broke up. The deal was that we wouldn't, but somehow we ended up on gchat at three in the morning. I don't regret it; I feel like it brought some closure to everything. It didn't happen immediately - at first I was angry because he felt better after talking, but I still clung to my emotions. Part of me wanted to stay hurt, confused and sad, because I'm stubborn like that.
He told me things that have made him feel better, like focusing on bettering his life, realizing we don't know what the future holds, and understanding that this break up was bound to happen sooner or later. Mentally, I kicked and screamed at that, calling it a bunch of bullshit. I wanted so badly to hold onto my thought that maybe this was all a big mistake. I was livid. He went to bed happy and here I was, restless and bitterly crying into my pillow.
It was already 4am by the time our talk was over and I spent a good hour moping around my room. I wasn't the least bit tired, so I distracted myself with a workout and breakfast. When I came back to my room, I was still sad but was at least ready to sleep. I could very well have stayed up - in fact, I should have because I was supposed to work - but I knew I would keep feeling miserable and it would get worse as I stayed up longer without sleep. So I had another train wreck day where I slept well into the late afternoon hours.
I felt incredibly guilty doing this again, because this is exactly what I did the day after our break up. I didn't feel like another day like this was warranted. In the end, though, it was the best thing I could have done. I woke up feeling a lot better, with all the things he'd said the night before settling into my heart. The permanence was clearer and the fact that it wasn't a mistake and that we weren't getting back together anytime soon was made more concrete in my mind.
I think that today, I'm emotionally where I thought I was going to be last week. Last night was when I felt absolutely inconsolable, when I wanted my friends to cry to and hug. Today I'm much less upset, but I'm finally at the point where I feel like it's really over. And although it's sad, it's a peaceful place to be.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
