Monday, December 10, 2012


My life has been laced with such restlessness lately.

I’m eight months into my first grown-up job, nearly two years into a really great relationship, still living at home, not yet financially independent, and still pretty uncertain about anything in my life. Without anything pinned down, I get fidgety.

The main reason my job status is impermanent is the money. At this point, I would even be able to handle the same commute time as long as it paid more. The work I’m doing is fine, even enjoyable at times, but the pay and the working conditions are less than ideal. I’m also pretty overqualified for what I’m doing. On the bigger scale, I’m still not sure what direction I want my professional life to go in – do I stay in accounting, move into receptionist/assistant positions, or branch out towards event and wedding planning? Those questions are constantly there, in the back of my mind.

As far as my relationship goes, it’s not uncertain in terms of anything being wrong. Not at all; it’s the total opposite, as everything is going swimmingly right now. It’s just that I love knowing things for sure, something that’s fairly difficult in the realm of love and relationships. I want to have the security that we’ll be together for a long time and that someday, we’ll get married. It’s fun to talk about in theory and light-hearted what-ifs – which we have – but there’s nothing set in stone. Moving in together would be a nice milestone, but that’s far off and may not even happen.

On that same page, being at home is awful. It’s probably the worst thing going on right now, aside from not having enough money to get out. My parents are great people and they did a fantastic job of raising me and my brother. They made their mistakes, but I’m sitting here as an educated, well-rounded individual. Still, they do have their flaws – my mother cannot stop micromanaging everyone around her and my father is nearly completely disconnected from me as an adult. It makes living here incredibly difficult and oh, how badly I want to have my freedom.

I would love for any of these things to get sorted out a little more. Unfortunately, everything is interconnected:  until I find a job with a better salary, I can’t move out of here, never mind move in with Erik. Instead I have to sit, wait it out, and find ways to maintain my sanity in the mean time.